April 27, 2020


A friend recommended a book to me called The Celestine Prophesy. The best way I can describe it so far is Divici Code meets Deepak Chopra. The author clearly believes in Energy Medicine and Mystical spirituality not tied to a particular faith. It is just what the doctor ordered. Normally, I stay pretty busy on the weekends getting caught up on cleaning or working. However, I took the opportunity this past weekend to rest and read.

One aspect of the book that I wanted to explore was the idea that we cannot grow if we don’t go back and realize the opportunities our parents gave us in shaping us for our destinies. Even if those circumstances felt bad, or we wallowed in self-pity at the poor fate of our being born into the families we were, we need to look for the connections and how it has intentionally shaped us to be where we are. I have done something similar in the past, but it is good to get it out in the open.

My father is a very stable and hardworking person. I remember he was always busy either working or going away on weekends for the National Gaurd. He was respected and a leader in the positions he held. He seemed to be trapped in middle-income life and struggled with his financial decisions, and never seemed to get ahead. However, because of his diligence in being a hard-worker, their house is paid for and he has a nice pension. He was agnostic, never really telling me what he believed other than it didn’t hurt to have faith because even if you’re wrong you’ve been happy and if there really is a God and you don’t believe you have something to lose. However, he never seemed to have much interest in discovering anything out about what happens after you die.

As a father, he was aloof and disinterested. He didn’t really feel compelled to be a part of the lives of his kids. He did seem to directly compete with my brother on things and seemed to resent when my brother was better at something than him. He would ignore things for a long time, and then finally explode and yell. However, he wasn’t physically harmful in any way, he seemed to leave all discipline to my mother.

It is interesting as I write this I see so much of how my life was limited by my upbringing by my father. It seems like I lived under the dome he built. I have kept my life small and not aimed for more than middle-income life. I have made decisions that have set us back financially. I married a man that is aloof and disinterested in his kids and ignores things until he explodes.

My mother is strong and determined. She was never really interested in working but always had some kind of side job that she could spend the money on her own pleasures. She was feisty and not someone you crossed. There are so many bad things I could say about my mother and how she hurt me as a child, but the important things are that she taught me to be a mediator. She could not understand other people, even a little, and would look to me as a kind of counselor. I became good at observing and trying to figure things out because she appeared to not have the ability to figure much out herself. She was good with numbers, and had decent problem-solving skills to get what she wanted, but was so oblivious to people.

She became a Christian when I was 9 and went from being aimless to having a very direct purpose in life. She has been obsessed with reading the Bible and writing in her journal and teaching others about what she knows. She is also very uninterested in anything that challenges her beliefs to the point of knock-down-drag-out fights if you suggest anything she believes may not be true. It defines her now. However, she has developed great faith. She has almost a child-like faith in that she finds great parking spaces and seems to have a bubble around her when driving, and she is a terrible driver.

What I feel I have received from my mother is stubborn determination. Once I decide something, I don’t look back. I fight for what I believe I should and I will completely reinvent my life to get what I feel I should. That led me to take our first child and move to another state so that we could raise our family on one income, which we did. I then picked up our 3 kids and moved back to Colorado so they could have more opportunities as they got older, as the small town we lived in was a recipe for teen-pregnancy and alcoholism. I homeschooled. . . enough said. I built a business around working from home so I could fulfill my duties as a mom and make money for our family.

The theme of my adult life is “should”. I have looked at what I believed needed to be done and I did it, regardless of whether it is what I wanted or felt good to me. I ignored my own intuition and made my road map off of expectations for what makes a mom a good mom, or evading being thought of as “bad” by those whose opinions matter to me. That is not something my parents did. I know my mom sacrificed so that we could have things, but she would not have picked up the household and moved to benefit the kids. My dad would never have allowed her if she wanted to. She made sure my brother got special schooling and I got braces etc. so it’s not like they were not working for our good. I just went overboard to make my home more child-centered.

At some point in the last couple of years, mostly since I started tapping into my intuition and actually asking my body and internal self what I really wanted have I stopped striving for the “shoulds”. Outside of moving my family across town so my kids could go to better schools (yes I’m relentless), I have been really working toward not worrying about making anyone else happy. That has sent me on a two-year frozen period where I’m not really sure what I want because I’ve always been led by shoulds. My intuition isn’t giving me a lot of lead on what comes next so I feel stuck and trapped, really. I can see that my life before was marked by dissatisfaction. I was always moving toward a goal and it has been hard because I have not determined a goal to work toward in the past year. I am hoping to go through the exercises of the book will help me find that goal.

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