December 31, 2020

A NEW YEAR OUTLOOK

It seems important to take time at the end of a year to reflect on what I’ve learned and the growth or challenges of life so as to move forward with intention. In years past, working for myself, I didn’t take much time to reflect. I was gang-busters on getting shit done. I’m thankful that I have a job that I can take PTO and sit and drink my coffee in the morning quiet of my apartment and just be.

That is one of my New Year’s resolutions. Learn to just be. I truly want to embrace whether astrology is what it claims to be. I spent 15 years neck-deep in the Christian Bible trying to sort out how I feel about religion and came out the other side realizing that there is so much more than that box can hold. It doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid box to sit in, but as I’ve stated elsewhere truth is truth at all levels, not just the one we are camping on. I recall that people I met along the Christian path made all eastern thoughts such as yoga or astrology out to be evil. One of my more stubborn traits is that if you tell me something is wrong, I’m going to explore it to figure out why I should believe that. I don’t take things a face value, if it is important I will deep dive in to figure it out. It must be the insanely strong Sagittarius nature I have. 5 of my placements are in Sag, making me seek truth above all things. Astrology may be just an indicator of possibilities, but I would like to explore how those posibilities actually play out to get a sense of what may come moving forward. It isn’t a crystal ball, but it can be useful none the less. It is worth my focus for a while to see if it is both trustworthy and true.

According to my astrological predictions of 2021, my progressed moon is moving into Scorpio for 2021. I need to learn more about how that all works, but apparently it means I will be more emotional. Moon in Scorpio. . . seems like sending a scientist into a daycare center. Chaos reigns! There is very little logic and no way to contain it. I look forward to emotional growth and learning to deepen my ability to understand myself better. It perhaps will deepen my interest in astrology and other psychological endeavors. I am hoping it will increase my ambitions since Mars rules Scorpio. I have spent the last couple of years feeling listless in setting goals so with any luck I will be able to truly figure out what I want for the next phase of life. The Moon in Libra, that I’m moving out of, explains why I was so set on keeping the peace and not rocking the boat in my relationships. Even in moving out of my house and leaving my husband I did it in a very peaceful and non-confrontational way. It also explains why the turmoil with my daughter during the Spring COVID shut-down was so difficult for me. I’m actually looking forward to embracing the ability to have constructive conflict and not feel the need to make everyone else comfortable for a while. It also seems like a great time to take up dating! That will be a roller-coaster of emotions I haven’t felt for 30 years and this time I am much more grounded and mature in understanding myself.

As I listen to the predictions for both Virgo and Sagittarius in 2021 it appears my energies will get off the hook with some of the more negative tones of the year. The over arching idea of 2021 appears to be that it will be better than 2020 but only in that it is unpredictable in nature fluctuating up and down rather than the “under the thumb” feeling of 2020. Steve Judd is adamant that January is going to be the hardest hit with some unpredictable nightmares occurring mid-month and then some release of that until September-October when some scary hidden things are going to come to light that will rock the world. November may see some natural disasters and other physical earth changes too. Overall, though, my sign outlook for both Sag and Virgo are very positive as Jupiter is my dominant figure and it is blowing me kisses on both fronts for most of the year.

So, in planning my year, or at least making my resolutions, I want to focus on my own stability and ability to take care of myself. Ever since I got pregnant with my first child I have focused on my family. That appears to be from a strong 4th house and Saturn in Cancer placement. However, something about leaving my husband and two sons and camping with my daughter in my own sanctuary as released me from my bonds of enslavement. Not that I don’t still want to nurture and love my children, but I feel a strong sense of release from being burdened by it. It is like my boundaries have been lifted and instead of trying to reign in and control everything I am feeling a strong sense to let the cards fall where they may. My boys are adults now (my mid son doesn’t turn 18 until June by by in large he is his own man in every way). In discovering the depth of astrology I am learning that they have their own lives to lead. I am now a spectator and although I can call out my observations, it is their game to play. I do not need to shelter or protect them from all the harsh aspects because it just hinders their growth and development. As I have seen in my own life, the earlier you learn the lesson the better it will be for you in the long run. There are SO many lessons to be learned in life and skipping over any of them is a huge disservice.

I see that in my ex-husband’s chart. Although I am still convinced his birth time is wrong, it is impossible to overlook his birth day. As I review all the placements and what they mean and how his life path “should” be according to his chart, he has pretty much missed all his opportunities for growth and completely derailed his path in this life. He is on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces – literally to the hour. Although technically his is Aquarius he exhibits all the Pisces negative qualities. However, the rest of his placements make no sense. I see very little of his life in the interpretations. Why? I believe that childhood trauma brought out the Pisces ability to detach into a dream world took over. He has stuck his proverbial head in the sand and refused to engage in life. As I learn more, I understand where it started. We married when he was 19. That was our first mistake, but I digress. Around 28 is the Saturn return, which causes someone to really question who they are, what they want, and what direction their life is taking compared to their life path and purpose. Because when he was 28 we had 2 small children and he was a stay-at-home dad, he chose to refuse to take up the torch, so to speak. I was the “boss” of the family and he was happy to keep the kids alive during the day and have no real responsibility. That is not his life path and purpose. As our family grew and life continued to get more mundane, he got further and further from who he was supposed to be to the point that he became very unhappy. However, he saw this as “life” in that being a dad and a husband meant that he wasn’t supposed to be happy somehow. Instead of then figuring out his responsibilities and engaging as a father to his children, he checked out. He holed himself up inside his own head, not letting anything or anyone in. He kept his nose to the grindstone of work, after our daughter was born and I chose to stay home with the kids, because he enjoyed it and it suited him, but his home life was completely boring to him.

What is interesting to me as I read the CafeAstrology.com version of “who he is”, I really like that guy. If he had actually become what his chart indicated, if he had met all the challenges and stepped up, embraced conflict in that he fought for his own happiness and become the best version of himself, we would still be together. It is in refusing to see the pressure life was putting on him as helpful, he was squashed by it rather than elevated. I look at my own chart and see it reflects me, scarily, to a T. Although I feel like I’ve failed in a lot of ways, according to my chart I have embraced life’s challenges beautifully and learned the lessons presented thus far. I lived out my South Node (in Capricorn) in my early years, embraced my North Node (in Cancer) during my parenting years and now get to release myself from that burden. I was tortured by my IC being in Scorpio by my Scorpio mother and now my mid-heaven in Taurus can shine with my satisfaction in my physical world.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lot to learn still. Equipped with my chart, I know what that is. My Jupiter in my 7th house predicted the end of my 1st marriage and now my Pluto squaring my Venus tells me I have to get comfortable with my emotions. That indicates both having a fear of intimacy and a strong desire for it. I need to move past the fear of it to find it with my next mate. I abhor the thought of dating in that I know I will have to date a lot of different people, which means exposing myself and all my inadequacies to the nth degree. However, it is my next path of growth to put myself out there and find out how to hold on to my energy and not allow other people to toss it around like a boat on the ocean in a storm. I was drawn to my 1st husband because he was stable, emotionally, and did not cause drama. However, intimacy comes from moving through conflict to resolution. I never felt emotionally intimate with him because he was so guarded and we never actually resolved any conflict. After a fight, I never felt closer to him, only more frustrated and lacking in release. I have my children to thank in teaching me that we can have serious disagreements but still be dedicated to each other and come out the other side feeling stronger and more connected. I am not the emotional vampire my mother was, and conflict is not death, as her Pluto nature imposed. I do feel, however, a strong desire to stay completely away from people with strong Scorpio as it feels like regression back to childhood for me.

What have I learned in 2020? My worth is in who I am not what I do. As a Virgo I have an insatiable desire to be useful. I have learned that I am useful and have proven that in every way and no longer need to prove that. Of course, I still have to get things done and do a good job in what I do, but now I see that is innate in who I am not something I have to worry about. I over-do my usefulness to the point that others feel like they don’t have to do things because I’ll take up any slack. That puts me in a position of feeling resentful and lacking in boundaries of what really is mine to do and what really belongs to others that I have taken on. I want to hold on to this notion that I cannot take up other people’s slack without somehow injuring both myself and those I think I’m helping. There is always a time when they cannot do something and helping them is the compassionate thing to do, but knowing when that time is and when it is them just refusing to take responsibility is a supremely important line to understand and not to cross.

I have also learned that I have to step out of my head and engage in life too. I’m not the “head in the sand” person my ex-husband is, but because most of my planet placements are in the southern hemisphere of my chart my life lives in my consciousness not out in the world. It has been a safe-haven and a wonderful first half of my life to really develop my mind and conquer my sub-conscious wiring. Not that I’m an expert, but I’ve done the work. I really feel that it was in physically leaving my husband that I realized action is just as necessary as making the decision in your mind. I left my husband mentally 5 years ago, honestly, but I feared the reality of it and how it would affect my family if I physically left. I realize that the mind is like the sandbox version of a computer program. It is nice to play around and see how it might go to work out bugs and make sure it is what you really want, but it is the production side of the program or life that matters. Until it leaves the storyboard and is physically realized it doesn’t really count. So one step I need to take is in speaking my truth. I spend a lot of time hiding what is really in my mind to “protect” either myself or others from the harshness of who I really am. This has created relationships that aren’t actually real. People don’t actually know me. I blame the fact that my parents and my ex weren’t capable of knowing me no matter what because of their own inability to see reality, but that doesn’t excuse my hiding things from them. I have to put out there who I am and they can either deal with it or ignore it at their leisure and I can choose to spend time with them or not depending on their reaction. However, until I put it out there we can’t know what will really happen.

So, in summary, 2021 will be a year of honesty and of self-acceptance both mentally and physically. I am who I am and those who appreciate that will stick around and those that don’t will fall away but I’m not taking responsibility for anyone but me and showing up as the real me. Dating will test this and hone it and helps me fight against my tendency to hide and pull back from those who would energetically deminish me. It will be rough for sure, but I want to embrace my Sagittarius nature and have fun with it. I want to be playful and enjoy getting to know people on a different level. To really embrace my Jupiteriousness (not a real word!) I need to seek truth not only internally but live it externally. Carpe Diem!!

December 26, 2020

Uncovering the Authentic Self – Week 1

One of my paths to self-actualization according to my astrological reading is to develop my communications skills both in written and verbal mediums. I came across a DailyOm course on “Uncovering the Authentic Self” that asks a bunch of questions weekly to help you look back and see trends and various roadblocks in your past that will help you clear the road for the future. I intend to review these questions and do my best to engagingly introspect. Feel free to join me!

What is standing in your way right now?

Over time I’ve realized that I am the only one standing in my way and that is usually a huge hurdle to overcome. I have spent a great deal of time, energy and money to determine who I am and it seems that is a never ending topic. I seem to fight against my own inner-knowing and brush it off as too easy or over simplified. The truth is, if I would just take myself seriously I would have a much easier time.

However, as I do look back over my history and compare it to my astrological chart and what they “predicted” I still think life would have taken a different course than my intuition would have allowed. For example, I knew I had to be a mom. I didn’t really want to, in the beginning, but something said that it had to happen for me. I thought I would only have one, and that would have shaped me very differently than having three did. I unconsciously ended up having to dedicate myself to my children and my family (as my 4th house and half my planet placements dictated) rather than dedicating myself to my career (as my south node was trying to move me away from.)

Now that I know what my chart says my growth points are and what I can expect from the 2nd half of my life I can navigate more consciously and avoid those things that I know are not congruent with my true self. However, psychology still plays a big part in things. As I was reading today in a horoscope analysis I purchased on AstroDienst, my struggle with both myself and my chosen partner in life is my desire to work out my “daddy issues”. The absence of my father in my childhood now leads me to desire a surrogate and it really resonated with me that my desire to find a new husband stems from my desire for someone else to give me meaning and purpose and be that ideal father-figure that I can admire. Crap! I need to get really comfortable with taking care of myself and depending on my own resources to find security and meaning before I can successfully find a new mate.

What would happen if you overcame the obstacle?

I have worked on my daddy issues. Around the time my 2nd son was born it started becoming very clear I could no longer release my dad from responsibility of his absence in my childhood. Yes, my mom was the dominant figure in my life but he chose to not participate. It took me a long time to work through forgiving him for not protecting me from my mother’s emotional abuse (she is a solid Scorpio) and even longer to forgive him for not actually being a father on any level other than financial provisions (he is a star Capricorn). However, I still admired him to some degree until I had an all-out war with my mother and chose to stop talking to her for a couple years. Even though he knew how crazy she has always been, even though she was wrong on so many levels, my father still stood there and said that I was basically a disappointment as an adult. He said if I had only been disciplined more as a child, maybe I would have grown up better. That was the moment any and all disillusions of my father fell away and I saw him clearly. I saw him as a weak and selfish man who deserved my mother and was happiest when he was miserable. He felt superior in her insanity and my rocking that world and trying to better myself, or her, was unacceptable. He would never see me, the same as my mother would never really see me – only the fantasy of what they wanted me to be.

It never occurred to me that I needed to let go that my ideal for a man. I do realize that no man is perfect and no relationship will ever be roses and rainbows all the time. However, as I have decided to let go of my 1st marriage because he cannot see me, just like my parents can’t see me, I do need to be real about what I can expect if I marry again. If I could really understand my desire to idealize the perfect man as everything my father and my soon to be ex-husband represent are not, then I would be able to set the expectation a little more realistically. Honestly, that is my biggest deterrent for dating and why I’ve delayed filing for divorce. I know there is baggage and a great deal of compromise in finding someone to spend your life with after 40. I don’t believe in fairy tales or perfection anymore but there is still a strong disappointment to me when people fall short. I know everyone will fall short of my ideals and I don’t know how to live with the discord. I don’t want to accept something mediocre because perfection doesn’t exist and yet if I don’t I will get nothing.

Are obstacles really just fears holding you back?

Um, yes, obviously! But let’s review the facts. I have many friends I really can’t spend that much time around, but I hold onto the friendship anyway. I see their “quirks” and their issues clearly and I have learned to accept that it is not my place to try to fix them or hold them to any kind of standard. Some I truly respect and value, others are just fun to do stuff with. However, I have to limit how much time we’re together. A few I can travel with, but most I can’t be with for more than a few hours at a time. I’m finding that true with my kids as well. As they grow into adulthood, I find them difficult to be around all the time. I think it is the energy that they exude. Strong energies really tire me out and I need a lot of downtime to find my own energy again. My mother taught me that when someone around me has a stronger energy I needed to back up and sit quietly. I find it hard to show myself, my opinions, and my desires when I’m around someone who is stronger energetically than I am. If they are weaker, I can stand up more but I also have an aversion to people I find really weak. If I can dominate someone, I feel guilty doing so therefore I will hide my strength to protect them. So, it would seem there is a really small margin that I can operate as myself in.

Take-away

I think my take-away today is that I need to learn how to hold my energy steady regardless of who I am around. Perhaps dating is a great way to practice that since the majority of dates will “go away” and I don’t have to see them or spend time around them again. I have realized that my not engaging in conflict has not been healthy for me or those around me. They cannot every really know me if I never tell them what upsets me. I have a fiery nature that I need to allow to be unleashed. When people realize that they irritate other people, they have a choice to make changes. If they choose to continue to irritate people, then they will suffer the consequences of not having those people around – but it is still a choice and I am an adult now. I am not a child who needs to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Perhaps as I spend more time around people and practice using my energy to make room for myself, more people will be less difficult for me to be around.

December 21, 2020

Winter solstice, shortest day of the year, and this year it marks the convergence of both Jupiter and Saturn in the sky. They will look almost like one planet even though they are millions of miles a part. This is the first time they have been in this position in 800 years and in addition to being significant by themselves they are both entering into the house of Aquarius. Yes, I am interested in astrology now.

I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to figure myself and other people out. It never ceases to amaze me how different people can be and how diverse they can be. I started learning about the 4 quadrant typing system, DISC is the one that comes to mind but there are so many variations of this system and they go by many names. However, that is like saying it is a 2-story house or a ranch style. It doesn’t describe the size, neighborhood, color etc. It just gives you a framework to mentally understand a few of the dimensions. It is important the same way knowing if someone is an introvert or an extravert. It sheds light on otherwise confusing differences in people. I, however, need more.

I have looked at Myers-Briggs. I think it is very helpful from a career perspective because it goes into details about work style and communication. If you are an ISTJ (as I am) you will not likely go into sales. If you do, you will be supremely unhappy because it just isn’t “who you are”. With 16 different types in Myers-Briggs it helps to really dig a little deeper to pinpoint some more unique differences between people. However, it doesn’t really take into consideration upbringing and influences that life throws at you to help you become more balanced. The typical ISTJ is someone who lacks in the people skills department so they focus on facts and data. They make great accountants and scientists, which is why I went into finance where I can both analyze and be neck deep in data. However, my life influences have given me the ability to teach and counsel and be able to break down the steps into understandable sections to show other people how to do things. I thrive when I’m training others and being able to see them understand what I’m showing them. That is not necessarily common to ISTJ. There comes a point in these kinds of models where you can’t just type-cast a person based on a test or you may overlook some really important factors.

The Enneagram has been my favorite for several years due to the depth and breadth it offers. Not only are there 9 specific personality types but it shows how people will change when they are doing well or doing poorly. It also shows the different directions they may lean within their personality toward the one next to them on the wheel. I do find it very validating and the most compelling is the levels of health it dives into. A healthy Type 1, for example, is humanitarian and eager to “fix” the world on a selfless level. However, an unhealthy Type 1 is judgmental and negative to a pretty strong degree. People live on the spectrum each day but the Enneagram gives guidance to how a person may be drifting downward on the levels as to how to bring themselves back up. What works for a Type 1 will not work for a Type 3 to improve their levels. The key to the Enneagram is knowing which one you are. It is easy to mis-type yourself. People have a problem with not seeing themselves in reality. They may not like aspects of themselves so they project different behaviors so they feel better about who they are. If you mis-type yourself it is really pointless to use the Enneagram. As with the other two systems you really need the help of someone who really knows you to tell you if a type fits.

So, what about astrology? People read a lot about their horoscope and most people know the basics about their sun sign just because it is fairly common now. However, the sun sign is really misleading. I am a Sagittarius and for most of my life, that just didn’t fit me. Yes, I do like to travel but I’m a solid home-body who likes consistency. I do like my freedom, but it expresses itself in a very muted fashion. It is more of a freedom of the mind and choices rather than a physical freedom. It wasn’t until I discovered that the rising sign (ascendant) is what your personality really is that it made sense. I am a Virgo rising, which explains my attention to detail and my organization as well as my need to do everything the “right” way. The sun sign is your path to growth. As a Virgo I need to lighten up and embrace a fun-loving side to honor my Sagittarius nature. I see the struggle for both and know that is things like picking up and moving my family across the country (twice) that my Sagittarius-ness came out. My hopping on a plane and wandering around London by myself for 4 days (and loving it!) shows my gypsy side. My day to day presence is defined by the Virgo.

Astrology is so much more detailed, and confusing, so it is not for the faint of heart. Once you get a full natal chart and see the planets spread out and find out their locations all mean something entirely different for you than for other people your head might spin a bit. However, if you actually understand what they all mean, you find a lot of details that the other systems miss. You also are what you are. I know my birth date and time and that isn’t going to change. I cannot mis-type my astrology chart. One interesting thing to note is that you can not become your astrology chart. Depending on your traumas in life, and your willingness to let life shape you, you can end up on a path that is different than your chart. So, if your chart doesn’t resonate with you, it would be best to really look into what happened in your life that pushed you away from realizing your true potential – because the chart is a map to becoming the best you. And you always have a choice. However, if you choose not let life shape you there is no chance you are happy about it. There will always be a feeling that a piece of you is missing because you literally amputated your real self somewhere along the way. You can use the chart to understand where you do need to go and do your best to get back on track. You can find the missing pieces and repair the damage if you are intentional and dedicated.