December 31, 2020

A NEW YEAR OUTLOOK

It seems important to take time at the end of a year to reflect on what I’ve learned and the growth or challenges of life so as to move forward with intention. In years past, working for myself, I didn’t take much time to reflect. I was gang-busters on getting shit done. I’m thankful that I have a job that I can take PTO and sit and drink my coffee in the morning quiet of my apartment and just be.

That is one of my New Year’s resolutions. Learn to just be. I truly want to embrace whether astrology is what it claims to be. I spent 15 years neck-deep in the Christian Bible trying to sort out how I feel about religion and came out the other side realizing that there is so much more than that box can hold. It doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid box to sit in, but as I’ve stated elsewhere truth is truth at all levels, not just the one we are camping on. I recall that people I met along the Christian path made all eastern thoughts such as yoga or astrology out to be evil. One of my more stubborn traits is that if you tell me something is wrong, I’m going to explore it to figure out why I should believe that. I don’t take things a face value, if it is important I will deep dive in to figure it out. It must be the insanely strong Sagittarius nature I have. 5 of my placements are in Sag, making me seek truth above all things. Astrology may be just an indicator of possibilities, but I would like to explore how those posibilities actually play out to get a sense of what may come moving forward. It isn’t a crystal ball, but it can be useful none the less. It is worth my focus for a while to see if it is both trustworthy and true.

According to my astrological predictions of 2021, my progressed moon is moving into Scorpio for 2021. I need to learn more about how that all works, but apparently it means I will be more emotional. Moon in Scorpio. . . seems like sending a scientist into a daycare center. Chaos reigns! There is very little logic and no way to contain it. I look forward to emotional growth and learning to deepen my ability to understand myself better. It perhaps will deepen my interest in astrology and other psychological endeavors. I am hoping it will increase my ambitions since Mars rules Scorpio. I have spent the last couple of years feeling listless in setting goals so with any luck I will be able to truly figure out what I want for the next phase of life. The Moon in Libra, that I’m moving out of, explains why I was so set on keeping the peace and not rocking the boat in my relationships. Even in moving out of my house and leaving my husband I did it in a very peaceful and non-confrontational way. It also explains why the turmoil with my daughter during the Spring COVID shut-down was so difficult for me. I’m actually looking forward to embracing the ability to have constructive conflict and not feel the need to make everyone else comfortable for a while. It also seems like a great time to take up dating! That will be a roller-coaster of emotions I haven’t felt for 30 years and this time I am much more grounded and mature in understanding myself.

As I listen to the predictions for both Virgo and Sagittarius in 2021 it appears my energies will get off the hook with some of the more negative tones of the year. The over arching idea of 2021 appears to be that it will be better than 2020 but only in that it is unpredictable in nature fluctuating up and down rather than the “under the thumb” feeling of 2020. Steve Judd is adamant that January is going to be the hardest hit with some unpredictable nightmares occurring mid-month and then some release of that until September-October when some scary hidden things are going to come to light that will rock the world. November may see some natural disasters and other physical earth changes too. Overall, though, my sign outlook for both Sag and Virgo are very positive as Jupiter is my dominant figure and it is blowing me kisses on both fronts for most of the year.

So, in planning my year, or at least making my resolutions, I want to focus on my own stability and ability to take care of myself. Ever since I got pregnant with my first child I have focused on my family. That appears to be from a strong 4th house and Saturn in Cancer placement. However, something about leaving my husband and two sons and camping with my daughter in my own sanctuary as released me from my bonds of enslavement. Not that I don’t still want to nurture and love my children, but I feel a strong sense of release from being burdened by it. It is like my boundaries have been lifted and instead of trying to reign in and control everything I am feeling a strong sense to let the cards fall where they may. My boys are adults now (my mid son doesn’t turn 18 until June by by in large he is his own man in every way). In discovering the depth of astrology I am learning that they have their own lives to lead. I am now a spectator and although I can call out my observations, it is their game to play. I do not need to shelter or protect them from all the harsh aspects because it just hinders their growth and development. As I have seen in my own life, the earlier you learn the lesson the better it will be for you in the long run. There are SO many lessons to be learned in life and skipping over any of them is a huge disservice.

I see that in my ex-husband’s chart. Although I am still convinced his birth time is wrong, it is impossible to overlook his birth day. As I review all the placements and what they mean and how his life path “should” be according to his chart, he has pretty much missed all his opportunities for growth and completely derailed his path in this life. He is on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces – literally to the hour. Although technically his is Aquarius he exhibits all the Pisces negative qualities. However, the rest of his placements make no sense. I see very little of his life in the interpretations. Why? I believe that childhood trauma brought out the Pisces ability to detach into a dream world took over. He has stuck his proverbial head in the sand and refused to engage in life. As I learn more, I understand where it started. We married when he was 19. That was our first mistake, but I digress. Around 28 is the Saturn return, which causes someone to really question who they are, what they want, and what direction their life is taking compared to their life path and purpose. Because when he was 28 we had 2 small children and he was a stay-at-home dad, he chose to refuse to take up the torch, so to speak. I was the “boss” of the family and he was happy to keep the kids alive during the day and have no real responsibility. That is not his life path and purpose. As our family grew and life continued to get more mundane, he got further and further from who he was supposed to be to the point that he became very unhappy. However, he saw this as “life” in that being a dad and a husband meant that he wasn’t supposed to be happy somehow. Instead of then figuring out his responsibilities and engaging as a father to his children, he checked out. He holed himself up inside his own head, not letting anything or anyone in. He kept his nose to the grindstone of work, after our daughter was born and I chose to stay home with the kids, because he enjoyed it and it suited him, but his home life was completely boring to him.

What is interesting to me as I read the CafeAstrology.com version of “who he is”, I really like that guy. If he had actually become what his chart indicated, if he had met all the challenges and stepped up, embraced conflict in that he fought for his own happiness and become the best version of himself, we would still be together. It is in refusing to see the pressure life was putting on him as helpful, he was squashed by it rather than elevated. I look at my own chart and see it reflects me, scarily, to a T. Although I feel like I’ve failed in a lot of ways, according to my chart I have embraced life’s challenges beautifully and learned the lessons presented thus far. I lived out my South Node (in Capricorn) in my early years, embraced my North Node (in Cancer) during my parenting years and now get to release myself from that burden. I was tortured by my IC being in Scorpio by my Scorpio mother and now my mid-heaven in Taurus can shine with my satisfaction in my physical world.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lot to learn still. Equipped with my chart, I know what that is. My Jupiter in my 7th house predicted the end of my 1st marriage and now my Pluto squaring my Venus tells me I have to get comfortable with my emotions. That indicates both having a fear of intimacy and a strong desire for it. I need to move past the fear of it to find it with my next mate. I abhor the thought of dating in that I know I will have to date a lot of different people, which means exposing myself and all my inadequacies to the nth degree. However, it is my next path of growth to put myself out there and find out how to hold on to my energy and not allow other people to toss it around like a boat on the ocean in a storm. I was drawn to my 1st husband because he was stable, emotionally, and did not cause drama. However, intimacy comes from moving through conflict to resolution. I never felt emotionally intimate with him because he was so guarded and we never actually resolved any conflict. After a fight, I never felt closer to him, only more frustrated and lacking in release. I have my children to thank in teaching me that we can have serious disagreements but still be dedicated to each other and come out the other side feeling stronger and more connected. I am not the emotional vampire my mother was, and conflict is not death, as her Pluto nature imposed. I do feel, however, a strong desire to stay completely away from people with strong Scorpio as it feels like regression back to childhood for me.

What have I learned in 2020? My worth is in who I am not what I do. As a Virgo I have an insatiable desire to be useful. I have learned that I am useful and have proven that in every way and no longer need to prove that. Of course, I still have to get things done and do a good job in what I do, but now I see that is innate in who I am not something I have to worry about. I over-do my usefulness to the point that others feel like they don’t have to do things because I’ll take up any slack. That puts me in a position of feeling resentful and lacking in boundaries of what really is mine to do and what really belongs to others that I have taken on. I want to hold on to this notion that I cannot take up other people’s slack without somehow injuring both myself and those I think I’m helping. There is always a time when they cannot do something and helping them is the compassionate thing to do, but knowing when that time is and when it is them just refusing to take responsibility is a supremely important line to understand and not to cross.

I have also learned that I have to step out of my head and engage in life too. I’m not the “head in the sand” person my ex-husband is, but because most of my planet placements are in the southern hemisphere of my chart my life lives in my consciousness not out in the world. It has been a safe-haven and a wonderful first half of my life to really develop my mind and conquer my sub-conscious wiring. Not that I’m an expert, but I’ve done the work. I really feel that it was in physically leaving my husband that I realized action is just as necessary as making the decision in your mind. I left my husband mentally 5 years ago, honestly, but I feared the reality of it and how it would affect my family if I physically left. I realize that the mind is like the sandbox version of a computer program. It is nice to play around and see how it might go to work out bugs and make sure it is what you really want, but it is the production side of the program or life that matters. Until it leaves the storyboard and is physically realized it doesn’t really count. So one step I need to take is in speaking my truth. I spend a lot of time hiding what is really in my mind to “protect” either myself or others from the harshness of who I really am. This has created relationships that aren’t actually real. People don’t actually know me. I blame the fact that my parents and my ex weren’t capable of knowing me no matter what because of their own inability to see reality, but that doesn’t excuse my hiding things from them. I have to put out there who I am and they can either deal with it or ignore it at their leisure and I can choose to spend time with them or not depending on their reaction. However, until I put it out there we can’t know what will really happen.

So, in summary, 2021 will be a year of honesty and of self-acceptance both mentally and physically. I am who I am and those who appreciate that will stick around and those that don’t will fall away but I’m not taking responsibility for anyone but me and showing up as the real me. Dating will test this and hone it and helps me fight against my tendency to hide and pull back from those who would energetically deminish me. It will be rough for sure, but I want to embrace my Sagittarius nature and have fun with it. I want to be playful and enjoy getting to know people on a different level. To really embrace my Jupiteriousness (not a real word!) I need to seek truth not only internally but live it externally. Carpe Diem!!

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