July 29, 2022

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

That phrase usually means that something bad happened after you wished for something good. Not this time. It is interesting how life can meander and go in completely different directions than we anticipate. Learning about Human Design has been a huge eye-opener for me. It explains so much of my life and the difficulties that I had as a child. As I am coming to terms with the reality of having a closed and repelling aura being that I am a Manifestor, I am having so many “a-ha” moments. All this knowledge likely stems from going to the Joe Dispenza conference in Denver in May. As part of our meditations, we were supposed to have a goal in our minds to meditate on and mine was to clear any blocks I may be having to fulfill my life purpose. Learning about Human Design is like finding the hidden door in the attic to a bunch of treasures you didn’t know about but were actually there all the time.

When I was a child I felt very much alone. In my family, I felt unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. This is an extremely common complaint of Manifestor children and I’m realizing that the closed aura makes it very difficult for family and friends to predict what the mani-child is thinking or what they will do next. I was listening to a YouTube interview of a Manifestor (from London) and she said the best way to describe it is that when we walk into the room people cannot tell if we want to sit and have a cup of tea or we want to kill them. Let that sink in. People can’t read if we hate them, love them, want to kill them or are delighted with them by our expressions because our aura hides everything and people sense there is more going on underneath than they can understand so they make their own assumptions. As an insecure, awkward child people would just avoid me. Other children would get uncomfortable around me and not want to play with me. A closed aura makes people uncomfortable. Knowing this is profound because now I can forgive everyone who rejected me because they had no idea who I was or what was going on with me so they could not see my innocence or my compassion and good nature because I was shy and quiet. On a positive note, I was not really bullied. That was likely because people didn’t know what I was capable of and didn’t want to make the mistake of finding out.

Another “a-ha” moment for me was realizing why I draw people who are prone to projection. The people I have felt unseen by are the ones who tend to see other people as movie screens playing out whatever is going on inside them. For example, my mother would tell me what I was thinking and feeling (instead of asking me) based on how she was thinking and feeling. It made me so angry that she never understood me and gaslighted me constantly into mirroring back to her what was untrue for me. However, as a protection mechanism, I refused to tell her what I was thinking and feeling so she couldn’t turn it against me or shame me for the differences between us. She was then left with nothing to go on except her own feelings and it then reinforced her delusion that I was a mirror of her rather than being entirely different. If we look at the universe as providing lessons in life, I was given this kind of mother to force me to be more open and honest with other people. I was just stubborn and refused to learn it sooner.

As for friends and romantic partners, I have always been frustrated that I end up with people who don’t seem to care what I think or how I feel. Now that I have a clear understanding of how I show up, I realize that people who want intimacy and true connection cannot tell up front if that is something I can deliver. Being that I was unhealthy and not self-aware in my early years, I repelled the people that could have been there for me because I wouldn’t open up and let them in (by informing them of my thoughts and feelings). The ones that were left were the ones that are so wrapped up in themselves that they really just needed someone to be there to confirm their own thoughts and feelings. Because I didn’t learn the lesson from my mother I was given my ex-husband, a Manifesting-Generator. He also was not open or revealing about his thoughts and feelings but he has something of black-hole energy in that he is so inwardly focused that he draws sympathy from others. He gives the impression that he wears his heart on his sleeve and is in touch with his emotions, even though he cannot actually express them. Everyone in his life feels compelled to take care of him because of his ultra-sensitivity, like a wounded puppy. It was perfect for me because neither of us made the other one uncomfortable and we went our entire marriage without really knowing what the other one was thinking or feeling. We both projected on the other one and never contradicted each other outwardly. It wasn’t until I became more self-aware and started expressing my feelings and trying to understand him that I realized how far apart we really were!

Fortunately, I have very different relationships with my children than my mother or ex-husband. I learned when my kids were little that if I informed them of my plans, my thoughts, and my expectations up front things went more smoothly. Being that I homeschooled my kids, I spent a lot of time sharing my thoughts, feelings, and opinions as a means of educating them. My love language is physical touch so they got lots of hugs and kisses, and I intuitively was able to verbally affirm my love and support for them. Some children of Manifestor mothers struggle to feel loved by them because of their closed aura, which is heartbreaking.

So, thank you Joe Dispenza! The result of my weekend retreat is that I now know that I need to be more forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis to have the relationships I want and ease the path toward my purpose. I will also be able to test people for their ability to not project on me and actually show interest when I inform them of my thoughts and feelings. It is interesting because I have no reservations now in telling people anything they want to know about me and am a very open person. However, I have been waiting for them to ask. Them asking equates to initiating in the Human Design world and everyone except Manifestors are not meant to initiate. It hurt my feelings that they didn’t initiate but now I can inform them that I am open and ready to divulge information and it will open the door to better communication and deeper intimacy with those around me. I am still seeking my ultimate purpose in a practical sense, but in a grand scheme, it is to be 100% true to myself and my own energies and initiate when the urge to do so hits me. It will be an adventure!

July 20, 2022

I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED

As I have been wrestling over the direction my life should take, I have been juggling the various areas of interest in my mind like flaming bowling ball pins. I have spent my career life in business, helping businesses and counseling people on tracking their finances for their business. However, it is not my passion or my gift. My gift is in merging all that exists up in the world of thought into the reality of what that means on a day to day basis. Whether it be how to track inventory or how to understand the wonders of the Universe, it doesn’t matter if you can’t actually do something with it in the here and now.

I am not an optimist or a pessimist. Both have their innate issues. An optimist tends to ignore the possibility for failure in the effort to make their dreams come true. A pessimist tends to refuse to look for possibilities because of all the reasons things can go wrong. Truth lies in the middle. We must look at all the possibilities and then forecast where things can go wrong so we can actually make things happen working towards our goals. That is the sweet spot of the realist. That is where I want to live and breathe and help others in their journey.

In my meditations I have been asking Spirit to guide me toward something to focus on. After some reflection, it hit me that I have this website and a ton of information that I can post to help people with content they are interested in. Whether it be spiritual reflections, astrology, Human Design, or general mysticism I have a lot of resources that I can provide people. I have everything I need to reach out into the world and help people pull down their lofty general notions and figure out how to make it real in their life. Being that I am who I am, I cannot promise daily content or even consistent areas of focus but I can use this platform to document what I have learned/am learning.

I have spent the last year + learning astrology. I have gone through more than one course to learn how to read charts and have a lot of books to assist me, but I have not wanted to offer myself for readings because I don’t feel I am an expert yet. It occurred to me that only in actually doing readings will I become an expert. I have been on FB in some astrology groups where I have contributed some useful insight into people’s charts to offer my guidance and it has been very encouraging that although I may miss some things I do know enough to be helpful. It is my intention to use my astrology knowledge as a springboard to helping people in their spiritual lives. People come to astrology and other tools to understand themselves and their purpose. It ends up being a very deep and personal journey that is ultimately spiritual in nature. When we learn how to understand ourselves we also learn how to understand others and everyone’s place in the world. When we learn to understand others we see that we are all connected. When we see we are all connected we see that their is something connecting us all – a higher power. Spirit. Once we see that there is a bigger picture it opens so many doors to discovery. I hope to be a guide to opening doors.

I have everything I need. I am everything I need. However, life is about inclusion. I cannot exist on my own and sustain myself. We were created to connect, to nourish others, to live in community. Being part of the whole means getting involved in the whole. I am ready to connect.

July 14, 2022

Masculine or Feminine? That is the question.

I was out on my balcony this morning drinking my coffee and enjoying the cool air before the temperatures get into the 90s today. I have trees surrounding my third floor balcony that overlooks a courtyard at my complex. There are always squirrels or birds that like to play on the branches and I really enjoy watching them. This morning there were two squirrels on one of the trees. One was actively chasing the other one around. It became clear that one was male and was wanting to procreate with the female. She would stop for a bit and he would get close to her. She would run off and stop, wait for him to get close again and then run off. He seemed playful at first but after some time he got impatient and made it clear her running away was no longer an option. They looked like they were wrestling the way they were rolling around with her trying to get away, but it wasn’t angry or violent. It was foreplay.

Not to say that I have a deep interest in the mating habits of squirrels, but I do have a deep interest in what it means to be masculine vs. feminine. I spent my younger years warding off the feminine because I saw my mother display it so poorly. She loves to play the victim and “help me” feminine side but then becomes manipulative and controlling with it rather than truly appreciating the help she receives. I was so angry and resentful of her “feminine” behavior that I swore I would never be like that. I didn’t realize at my young age that she was exhibiting a very unhealthy behavior and that true femininity is nothing like that.

I recently was messaged through an online dating sight by a man who was interested in my comments on my being in touch with my feminine. He, apparently, is currently reading a book on healthy masculinity and was intrigued. We had a lovely conversation and it has me thinking a lot more about what I actually am and want to be. It is a feminine woman’s desire to be pursued. I think the unhealthy side has produced all the extreme push to look good to a man so a woman can be desired sexually. It absolutely makes a woman feel good to know that a man desires her, but healthy relationships are about being desired for all aspects not just physical ones.

It seems that most of the world today has blurred lines as to what is the correct roles people are to play. Of course, a man is more than welcome to take the feminine role and allow a woman to pursue him. The problem is when a man wants to lead or doesn’t provide the sensuality in a relationship if he is the feminine. Men who want to be chased and then still want to call the shots in the relationship will be met with resistance. You have to pick one role or the other, you really cannot have both. Just like a woman who is masculine cannot be aggressive and lead with her man and then expect him to step up and take responsibility. That was my mistake. Because I was feminine-averse in my younger years I made decisions and took the lead, but when my passive husband refused to engage it frustrated me. I chose the role, but didn’t realize the consequences.

As I have spent the last five years learning about healthy femininity I realize the power they have. I always thought the feminine was the weak one. That is only unhealthy femininity. As I watched the squirrels I saw that she had personal power. She went where she wanted, she wandered off in any direction she chose. He made the choice to follow her or not, but it was an active action not a passive one. She stopped and he made his move, then she ran off only to have him chase her some more. He was focused on his determination to have his way with her and kept pursuing but in finally “getting caught” it was clearly her decision to allow it. In dating, the feminine is the prize. The masculine wants something and sees the one he/she wants to acquire. This can be for lots of reasons other than physical pleasure, but it is a desire to acquire either way. In any case, the masculine does not want something that is easy to acquire. The fun is in the chase. They want a feminine to play with them and make it interesting even if they both know where it is going in the end.

I had dinner with my oldest son. He is a masculine guy, although in touch with his feminine side. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and someone at work was interested. She played the masculine role and pursued him vigorously. He has been spending time with her but admitted that he had no real interest in her because she has been the lead in the relationship. He is playing along because he wants the distraction from his recent breakup but the reality is that regardless of the condition of his readiness for a new relationship he would not be attracted to this new girl because she has been so relentless in pursing him. He has the self-awareness to know that if it is too easy for him to obtain (aka it falls in his lap and won’t leave) he doesn’t appreciate it and will get rid of it when it is no longer convenient.

As I am looking to date, I am going to do my best to cultivate my feminine side. I mentioned that it is a struggle because being a Manifestor (HD) I am innately masculine energy through my need and ability to initiate things. However, I want to try to take the feminine role – and be true to it, to see how it feels to me. I will need someone who is very in touch with their feminine side and self-aware. I will still not like to be controlled, because of my Manifestor nature, but I do not like to control and I don’t want to lead in my romantic relationships. Perhaps I will find that I cannot energetically feel attracted to a strongly masculine man. However, I have acquired the desire to be chased. Like the squirrel, there is power in being chased and choosing to get caught and I would like to know what that feels like to feel desired on that level.

July 8, 2022

Are goals necessary?

I’ve lived my life thinking that I have to have goals. I have always been driven by the “next thing” to do or aspect of myself to work on to be a more perfect well-rounded person. In the course of my life every time I strive for more perfection I am faced with the reality that I can never obtain it. There are far too many areas in life that I cannot focus on and once I stop focusing on an area a lot of the skills and mastery I’ve obtained slip away.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit of anxiety in that I have nothing on my goal list. I mentioned before that I encountered a mid-life crisis at 45 because of this realization that I didn’t have dreams past my kids growing up. Before, I would get a nagging sensation that I needed to do something, sometimes anything, to alleviate this need for movement and change. As I look at Human Design I have the Channel of Transitoriness (35-36 gates) that is a force for change. The quote from the book I have is “This is an emotional Manifesting channel that defies logic’s caution and restrictive patterns. It will try anything and everything, whether of intrinsic value or not, to get things moving in the direction of a new experience.” This means I am good with change but it also means I can create a crisis where there doesn’t need to be just to feel the experiences it entails.

I am a member of MindValley. It is an awesome resource for a multitude of subjects and I have been a member off and on since 2014. I attribute a lot of my growth, especially spiritually, to MindValley’s quests. I am working through several right now, and the recurring theme of them all is to clear my mind and lean into my intuition and spirit to guide me rather than to allow my mind to control things. The mind is not looking out for our best interests most of the time. What if I could just allow life to unfold like watching a movie? What if I could stop creating crises and call in the experiences that will bring me to my fullest potential and life purpose? This is a foreign thought to me. Being a Manifestor I have always pushed the stream and now that I know about being a Manifestor it seems like I have permission to push the stream. Yet, I have to trust that everything that has happened to bring me to this point in my life is not for nothing. Everything happens for a reason, right? I have learned from my astrology chart that I am to surrender to life, not be in the limelight. This life is about my subconscious development, not my conscious fulfillment.

It is my intention to try an experiment. For the next six months, through the end of 2022, I am not going to push anything other than my learning. I will meditate daily and journal about my desire to allow the universe to bring to my attention the things that I am to involve myself in and take part in initiating. I allow myself to completely surrender to what my guides direct me toward and develop my intuition to look for the synchronicities that bring opportunities my way. I will do my best not to push or pull unless I feel the Manifestor urge (a very specific feeling) rather than just nervousness or impatience. What will I be able to look back on at New Year’s and see as the result?

As I contemplate this, I feel at peace. Before, the thought of not having anything to strive for felt like death. I would look at disdain people who just lived purposeless lives going to work, watching TV, going to bed, and starting all over again. Today, the thought of just being rather than having the pressure of accomplishing brings me hope. My whole life I have felt like I had to be useful and do something to find worth. Never, have I ever, felt that I am worthy just for being. I am filled with gratitude for this moment that I am feeling that I am enough. The feeling may pass. I may forget and go back to my old routines, but it gives me hope that this feeling can exist within me and I look forward to being able to come back to it as I practice allowing it.

July 5, 2022

TAROT

Something that has been on my mind for a while is that at this stage of my life other than meeting a life partner that fits who I am now I have accomplished most of what I wanted in my life.

  1. I was driven to get a degree and a career so I could support myself financially
  2. I knew I had to have children; which allowed me to deal with my family issues and learn boundaries (HD Gate 37)
  3. I was able to deep-dive into religion to sort out my beliefs (HD Gate 9 & 11)
  4. I homeschooled my children to make learning and growth the focal point of my home (Sag in 4th house stellium)
  5. I was a part of, and included in, community through church and homeschool (Gate 37)
  6. I resolved my shadow issues through deep dives into psychology and human behavior (Gate 36)
  7. I was able to break free of the bonds to my ex-husband (Akashic/karmic bonds from a previous life)
  8. I now live in a home that is like a sanctuary, working a job that is financially stable and living a stress-free life able to pursue whatever topic I want to learn about. (Gate 58)

When I turned 45 I went through a mid-life crisis, which prompted my leaving my ex-husband. I blogged about that separately, but the main takeaway was that all my dreams and goals really ended with my kids getting older. I didn’t have any goals that went past getting a divorce and finding a better life partner. It scared me. Fast forward two years and I have done my best to live a peaceful life and situate myself so that I would be who I needed to be to welcome a new life partner. I was feeling like I was ready. However, with the discovery of my Human Design nature and that I am forced to be a Yang/masculine energy woman whether I like it or now, it is causing me to again have a crisis of being. I was fooling myself as to what my life partner would be like and how I would show up.

After my mediation this morning I felt drawn to my Thoth Tarot cards. I am not an expert on Tarot, but I have found Alister Crowley’s Thoth cards to be beautiful and inspiring. Here is the spread:

TAKEAWAYS:

Defeat – “We do not suffer because of a desire to do so, but rather need suffering and defeat as a necessary experience in order to grow by overcoming it. The desire for knowledge is the wish for redemption. Crowley sees this card as the consequences of an attitude that has been too peaceful, whereby the defeat is the price of an exaggerated avoidance of conflicts.”

It isn’t hard to look back and see that I have had an exaggerated avoidance of conflict in my life. I have a strong desire for peace, which is written all over every profile I have ever taken for personality typing. I hope this doesn’t mean that I have to embrace conflict, but I also hope it means that I can be more open to disagreeing with people and stating what I need and want and accept it if the other person is not in alignment not feeling any stress over it. I do feel this card symbolizes that I need to lay to rest my old patterns and what I thought wanted for my life and look for something that may feel uncomfortable but be better for me.

The Devil – “On the level of consciousness, this card shows that we come into contact with our dark side. These are the experiences in which we become aware of our unfreedom and dependency.”

I have been through dark nights of the soul in the past and it resonates with me that I need to go through another one. I need to die to my image of how I show up in the world. I have spent so much time conforming to a Generator world and as a Manifestor, I cannot be effective doing it that way. I have lost sight of my true self and have not relied on my Inner Authority. It will be a difficult and painful process of holding to my kindness and compassion but letting go of my need to please and not ruffle the feathers of those around me. As one Facebook post indicated, I am the conductor of a train. I move forward, I have a destination, I have a purpose that is on rails. Those around me can choose to purchase a ticket and join me or they can stay out of my way, but the train barrels on regardless. I need to find those willing to join me, not seek those I can join. I am not a passenger. That is a really difficult change of thinking for me and it will force me to get back in touch with the strong opinions that I have buried to get along with everyone.

The Universe – “From a psychological perspective, the Universe personifies the waking consciousness and the self-regulating power of the creative self. This allows us to act socially within the surroundings of our community, and process emotionally the creative contractions of eternal transformation.”

This is a relief after the Devil card. At least the darkness I will go through to find my true self will wake my consciousness and allow my creativity to surface. I do desire to find a community that will benefit from my experience and as a Line 6 in my HD Profile, I am destined to be a Role Model. This confirms that the work will result in benefits to others. Here is a quote from Carl Jung under The Universe:

“To experience the Self means that we are always conscious of our own identity. We then know that we can never be anything other than our Self, that we will never lose our Self, and that we can never be estranged from our Self. This is so because we realize that the Self is indestructible, that it is always one and the same, that it cannot be dissolved or exchanged for something else. The Self enables us to remain the same under all circumstances of our life.” AMEN!

July 4, 2022

FREEDOM BY DESIGN

Independence Day! Instead of reflecting on what it means to be free in my country, though, I ponder what it means to be free and independent as a Human Design Manifestor. I know that it a hallmark of my personality. Not only am I a Sagittarius Sun but I have my Mercury, my Mars, my Neptune and my North Node in Sagittarius. There is no way that I don’t need freedom more than most people with that alignment.

What does that look like to me now that I know I am a Manifestor? Ra Uru Hu was a Manifestor and said that the rule of thumb is don’t ask them to do anything, don’t tell them to do anything and stay out of their way. He says that if you, as a Manifestor, are okay with being told what to do you have been conditioned by Generators too much and need to learn your authority and live by it first or you’ll never be happy. I have been conditioned to allow people to direct me, even though it doesn’t feel good, it does seem like the right thing to do to get along with people. Is freedom really about being so independent I am alone?

When I was completely un-self aware I know I didn’t listen to other people. I would learn things and take it into consideration their suggestions but I did what I wanted to do and I loved that my husband at the time admired that about me. However, I have never liked to lead other people. I have a live and let live attitude. I think all people should be responsible for themselves so that if I have information, I can share it with them, but they choose what to do with it. In a management perspective, I would train and hold accountable but I didn’t like to have to “manage” them. Fortunately, in my line of work, I didn’t have to treat my staff like children and farm them. I have always worked in offices or businesses that were along the white collar lines, so the employees took responsibility. When I was a parent, I did have to become more forceful and domineering, which I hated and then spent a lot of time learning how to control my anger. I can see, as a Manifestor, that if I have to tell other people what to do I expect them to do it or I get angry. The solution there is find a way not to have to tell anyone what to do right? It tells me that I not only like freedom for myself but that I prefer freedom for those in my life as well.

So, as I am on internet dating websites and contemplating what it means to date I am completely boggled. I mentioned I spent a lot of time learning how to be feminine/Yin from Pat Allen’s book, but it is contrary to my original pre-Saturn return self. She indicates that if the woman is more masculine/Yang energy then the woman needs to be prepared for her man to not make much money, be the one who brings the fun and sensuality to the relationship, that she will likely have to pay for everything and lead in the relationship. With my aura, I will never attract a Yang energy man, but do I have to be the total dude in the relationship? I’d like a man who makes enough money to be financial stable on his own. I’m happy to share paying for things, but I don’t want to be the sugar mama. I admit, although I can be fun and sensual, I am very attracted to men who bring that dynamic to the table. Perhaps Pat Allen is taking things to the extreme and there are variations. For example, she indicates that most Yang women are obsessed with their careers. I’m not. I’m happy to have my income but I’m not a corporate climber. I am obsessed with my hobbies and my learning about astrology and spiritual things but not at the expense of my relationships.

When I was dating the last guy, he was on fire in the beginning to impress me. He paid for our dates, pursued me, paid a lot of attention to me and felt balanced in the Yin/Yang energy. However, after a few months he started wanting to hang out on my couch more than going out. He stopped planning anything to do on the weekends and started getting really comfortable with the idea that I enjoyed being a giver (a Yang energy trait). Was that in response to my energy, or was he just naturally Yin and put on a show in the beginning? I think a lot of people are confused by what society tells them and what is natural to them. As I look at this man’s history, he has Yin written all over it. He was drawn to my aura being strong and my being financially stable but I didn’t step into the Yang dominant role. I wanted him to remain more Yin/Yang balanced and he couldn’t keep up the energy that wasn’t natural to him.

Being that I like freedom, but I like balance, I am refuting some of what Pat Allen indicates. She may have been over-simplifying, because she says whoever speaks first when you meet is the Yang energy. So, if I go up to a guy and introduce myself or speak first that is my indication that I’m the Yang and he will then take the Yin role. That may be true for a while, but I contend that if someone is Yin or Yang predominantly it will come out. A Yang man is not going to remain in a Yin role just because the woman he is with asked him out. He will either feel resentful of the woman’s strength or they will butt heads a lot on who gets to be the boss. It is correct in assuming the relationship won’t work out to have two Yang energy people, but they can be married for a LONG time (as evidenced by my parents!)

So, in online dating, as a Manifestor I should initiate. That can mean I like them on the site, that can mean I say “Hi” first, but does that mean then I have to set up the dates and I have to pay for things? Again, I don’t mind paying for myself but I’m not going to set the precedent that I’m going to be the dude. I know that is my societal and feminine energy training talking but it doesn’t feel right to me. I take care of my man in so many ways and I am a giver, but I’m not going to do all the giving just for the pleasure of someone’s company. That is another trait of being a Manifestor, we don’t mind being alone. If I have to do all the work then what’s in it for me? Where is the balance? Part of that comes with having things in common and enjoying each other’s company. A key phrase on a FB page I belong to is that Manifestor women don’t need their man for anything, but they want their man for everything. Having the companionship, support, affection and feeling of going through life with someone who understands them is the most important thing. However, feeling taken advantage of never feels good to anyone!

That is my journey. As for online dating, I will say “Hi” and I will converse but I will not go out with a man who will not “make it happen”. That may mean I don’t date. However, if I am destined to be with a Yin predominant man, it will need to be 55/45 not 80/20. He will have to be able to be “a man” just without the Yang dominance. I will have embrace my inner authority and lead without stepping on my man’s male ego. The journey will be long. Thanks for joining me on it.

General Overview of the Types

July 3, 2022

Half a year down, and I can’t help but wonder what 2022 will be remembered for. 2020 was the year I left my husband. 2021 was a year of deep contemplation and rest where I started diving into astrology and feeling like I am in a cocoon. I recently discovered Human Design which I posted about. I relayed that I discovered I was a Manifestor, which is fairly rare. It is really rocking my world and I want to dedicate posts this year to what that actually means to me and how to live authentically.

Another aspect of Human Design is the “Profile”. Each person has marked profiles associated with their body graph based on their birth chart which is regarded as a basic character pattern that frames a person’s life. It indicates their purpose in life. On an HD chart, there is the personality side (the side you are aware of) and the design side (the side you are typically unaware of but should integrate as you mature). The numbers of the profile are Personality/Design based on the I-Ching of your Sun. There is a lot to it. I only mention it now because of what it means to me as a Manifestor.

I am a 4/6. The 6 in Human Design profiles means that their life is split into 3 categories. The first 28 years (prior to the Saturn Return) are dedicated to exploration. This is basically acquiring all the experiences possible and is directed to do in order to build knowledge of the world. From 28-50 years of age (or the Chiron return), the person will be what is called “on the roof”. This is a period of time where it is less about acquiring and more about observing the experiences of others. They learn to see things as they really are, rather than the idealism of the first stage. That isn’t to say they aren’t acquiring experiences, but the overall knowledge is less personal and more universal. I recently learned that there are stages within this period as well where one is slowly removed from feeling a part of things and moves toward a cocooning phase at the end of the stage. This is where I feel I am now. Once the Chiron return hits, the person is moved off the roof and becomes a role model. The keywords here are “moved off” as in “not by choice”. The person is no longer allowed to remain aloof but gets in the trenches and is involved in other people’s lives again.

My Saturn return occurred at age 29, ending Stage 1. Prior to that time, I felt propelled internally by everything and didn’t really think twice about it. I did what I wanted and the people in my life may have put up a fuss, but typically got out of my way. I did what I wanted to do. I can say a lot of things about my ex-husband now, but during that stage of my life, he was perfect for me. He went along and supported me to be in charge and do what I wanted. I, of course, did things that he was on board with and we felt like a team because he let me lead and I considered his feelings on what we were doing. However, my 2nd son was born just prior to that and I can pinpoint the downfall of our marriage to starting at that time. I now see I changed at that time too, which opened the door to my dissatisfaction with myself, life, and my marriage.

Stage 2 I can see now, began the journey of me questioning myself and who I was, and how I “should” show up in the world. I was never much of a joiner prior to this stage. I felt on the outside of most groups except for in college. I didn’t conform to others’ expectations or try to fit in (although I felt bad about not fitting in). It wasn’t because of confidence, I just simply didn’t know how to fit in. Stage 2 is when I got involved at church, women’s ministry, and eventually homeschooling where I ignored my Manifestor qualities and started doing everything in my power to adopt Generator qualities so people would like me. I discovered the 4-quadrant personality typing and started really researching what it was about me that people just didn’t like. I knew it was something, but I really didn’t understand it. Over time, I realized I was blunt and bold and people took that to mean bossy and controlling even though I wasn’t desiring to control them. Generators like conformity. They don’t mind leadership but something about Generators really feel ruffled by Manifestors. I spent several years experiencing what it meant to be included and live like a Generator and it was fulfilling for a while to fit in and feel respected by my peers. However, it completely messed me up on being authentic and I felt it.

Some of the ways trying to be a Generator messed me up was in my marriage. Well-meaning friends in the Christian community saw that I was the “leader” in my marriage and shamed me. They made me feel like I was not obeying God’s commands by taking charge. I spent a lot of years trying to get my husband to step up and lead, which is a role he didn’t sign up for and didn’t want. It wasn’t all in Christian communities either. After I left the church and started my journey into different religions I was a part of an amazing community that introduced me to Pat Allen’s “Getting To I Do” book about feminine and masculine dynamics. I highly recommend the book, but as I was reading it I saw that all the character qualities of a feminine man were not what I wanted (which my ex-husband embodies beautifully!) That meant that in order to be with a masculine man, I would have to be more feminine. I have spent the last 5 years of my life trying to adopt a more feminine, receptive lifestyle. That definitely ended my marriage. Not that I regret that. He has no interest in anything spiritual or personal growth, along with some other character qualities I can no longer align myself with so it was part of my journey to disconnect from him. However, as I am in the process of dating and understanding how I need to show up in relationships I realize that although my having softer, more feminine qualities are beneficial I cannot be fully feminine and be authentic to my Manifestor role.

So, starting today I intend to reprogram my expectations of myself and how I am to show up in the world so that I can be authentic to my design. My inner authority is my emotions. Not that I need to make emotional decisions, but that it is better for me to wait until my emotional wave goes through its cycle before I make a decision. I need to feel it is right in my core, not because I am heightened by an emotional response. The first rule here is always to sleep on it if I am in any way uncertain or it doesn’t feel right. Another way is allowing myself to not be accepted or part of the group. It’s okay to be on the outside. I have acquired a friendliness and a warmth I didn’t have in Stage 1 but will assist me a great deal in Stage 3. However, I don’t want to be a joiner and that is okay. As a role model, I will be a part of a community but it will be as the wise sage not as the ring-leader or community organizer and that is a role I really look forward to and feels right to me.

The reprogramming I am struggling with is in relationships. I dated someone for a few months earlier this year that I really enjoyed. However, I did not show up as a Manifestor and tried to be feminine. He, however, was not a leader (although he tried for me). Everything about the relationship dynamics felt wrong even though I was really attracted to him and enjoyed his company. It would seem that our subconsciouses were aligned with who was in charge, I just refused to actually take charge and be the Manifestor which frustrated us both. **As a side, we are still friends, and again, I don’t regret leaving the relationship because it would not be good for me long-term regardless of how I show up. However, after all I have learned and all the ways I have evolved I don’t know how to be a Manifestor in a romantic relationship. I can do it in every other relationship I have, like friendships and my children, etc., but I feel really uncomfortable initiating with men now. I also do not want a weak man who wants to be taken care of by me. I want an equal partner that is not afraid of the times my urge to move forward with something causes me to take charge. I need him to either support me or step out of my way. When I am not propelled by something and in my resting phase, I need someone who is willing to step up and keep things going so I can rest and not feel like I am carrying the burden of the relationship all the time. I have faith that there is someone out there that can feel like a partner in a dance, rather than a parent/child — like I have felt in the past.

The journey will be difficult and there will be twists and turns. Since my Chiron return is coming up in 2 years, and I will be forced to deal with anything that hasn’t been dealt with before I can come off the roof, taking the time now seems like a worthwhile endeavor. For those who are familiar with astrology, I am a Sagittarius Sun and my progressed Moon has been in Scorpio since December 2020, to move out in April 2023. I need to take the next 10 months to reflect and determine my plan of action in being a Manifestor so that when my Moon leaves Scorpio and moves into Sagittarius and I have the energy and drive I need again I can be authentic and hit the ground running without messing everyone around me up!

Undefined Sacral