July 3, 2022

Half a year down, and I can’t help but wonder what 2022 will be remembered for. 2020 was the year I left my husband. 2021 was a year of deep contemplation and rest where I started diving into astrology and feeling like I am in a cocoon. I recently discovered Human Design which I posted about. I relayed that I discovered I was a Manifestor, which is fairly rare. It is really rocking my world and I want to dedicate posts this year to what that actually means to me and how to live authentically.

Another aspect of Human Design is the “Profile”. Each person has marked profiles associated with their body graph based on their birth chart which is regarded as a basic character pattern that frames a person’s life. It indicates their purpose in life. On an HD chart, there is the personality side (the side you are aware of) and the design side (the side you are typically unaware of but should integrate as you mature). The numbers of the profile are Personality/Design based on the I-Ching of your Sun. There is a lot to it. I only mention it now because of what it means to me as a Manifestor.

I am a 4/6. The 6 in Human Design profiles means that their life is split into 3 categories. The first 28 years (prior to the Saturn Return) are dedicated to exploration. This is basically acquiring all the experiences possible and is directed to do in order to build knowledge of the world. From 28-50 years of age (or the Chiron return), the person will be what is called “on the roof”. This is a period of time where it is less about acquiring and more about observing the experiences of others. They learn to see things as they really are, rather than the idealism of the first stage. That isn’t to say they aren’t acquiring experiences, but the overall knowledge is less personal and more universal. I recently learned that there are stages within this period as well where one is slowly removed from feeling a part of things and moves toward a cocooning phase at the end of the stage. This is where I feel I am now. Once the Chiron return hits, the person is moved off the roof and becomes a role model. The keywords here are “moved off” as in “not by choice”. The person is no longer allowed to remain aloof but gets in the trenches and is involved in other people’s lives again.

My Saturn return occurred at age 29, ending Stage 1. Prior to that time, I felt propelled internally by everything and didn’t really think twice about it. I did what I wanted and the people in my life may have put up a fuss, but typically got out of my way. I did what I wanted to do. I can say a lot of things about my ex-husband now, but during that stage of my life, he was perfect for me. He went along and supported me to be in charge and do what I wanted. I, of course, did things that he was on board with and we felt like a team because he let me lead and I considered his feelings on what we were doing. However, my 2nd son was born just prior to that and I can pinpoint the downfall of our marriage to starting at that time. I now see I changed at that time too, which opened the door to my dissatisfaction with myself, life, and my marriage.

Stage 2 I can see now, began the journey of me questioning myself and who I was, and how I “should” show up in the world. I was never much of a joiner prior to this stage. I felt on the outside of most groups except for in college. I didn’t conform to others’ expectations or try to fit in (although I felt bad about not fitting in). It wasn’t because of confidence, I just simply didn’t know how to fit in. Stage 2 is when I got involved at church, women’s ministry, and eventually homeschooling where I ignored my Manifestor qualities and started doing everything in my power to adopt Generator qualities so people would like me. I discovered the 4-quadrant personality typing and started really researching what it was about me that people just didn’t like. I knew it was something, but I really didn’t understand it. Over time, I realized I was blunt and bold and people took that to mean bossy and controlling even though I wasn’t desiring to control them. Generators like conformity. They don’t mind leadership but something about Generators really feel ruffled by Manifestors. I spent several years experiencing what it meant to be included and live like a Generator and it was fulfilling for a while to fit in and feel respected by my peers. However, it completely messed me up on being authentic and I felt it.

Some of the ways trying to be a Generator messed me up was in my marriage. Well-meaning friends in the Christian community saw that I was the “leader” in my marriage and shamed me. They made me feel like I was not obeying God’s commands by taking charge. I spent a lot of years trying to get my husband to step up and lead, which is a role he didn’t sign up for and didn’t want. It wasn’t all in Christian communities either. After I left the church and started my journey into different religions I was a part of an amazing community that introduced me to Pat Allen’s “Getting To I Do” book about feminine and masculine dynamics. I highly recommend the book, but as I was reading it I saw that all the character qualities of a feminine man were not what I wanted (which my ex-husband embodies beautifully!) That meant that in order to be with a masculine man, I would have to be more feminine. I have spent the last 5 years of my life trying to adopt a more feminine, receptive lifestyle. That definitely ended my marriage. Not that I regret that. He has no interest in anything spiritual or personal growth, along with some other character qualities I can no longer align myself with so it was part of my journey to disconnect from him. However, as I am in the process of dating and understanding how I need to show up in relationships I realize that although my having softer, more feminine qualities are beneficial I cannot be fully feminine and be authentic to my Manifestor role.

So, starting today I intend to reprogram my expectations of myself and how I am to show up in the world so that I can be authentic to my design. My inner authority is my emotions. Not that I need to make emotional decisions, but that it is better for me to wait until my emotional wave goes through its cycle before I make a decision. I need to feel it is right in my core, not because I am heightened by an emotional response. The first rule here is always to sleep on it if I am in any way uncertain or it doesn’t feel right. Another way is allowing myself to not be accepted or part of the group. It’s okay to be on the outside. I have acquired a friendliness and a warmth I didn’t have in Stage 1 but will assist me a great deal in Stage 3. However, I don’t want to be a joiner and that is okay. As a role model, I will be a part of a community but it will be as the wise sage not as the ring-leader or community organizer and that is a role I really look forward to and feels right to me.

The reprogramming I am struggling with is in relationships. I dated someone for a few months earlier this year that I really enjoyed. However, I did not show up as a Manifestor and tried to be feminine. He, however, was not a leader (although he tried for me). Everything about the relationship dynamics felt wrong even though I was really attracted to him and enjoyed his company. It would seem that our subconsciouses were aligned with who was in charge, I just refused to actually take charge and be the Manifestor which frustrated us both. **As a side, we are still friends, and again, I don’t regret leaving the relationship because it would not be good for me long-term regardless of how I show up. However, after all I have learned and all the ways I have evolved I don’t know how to be a Manifestor in a romantic relationship. I can do it in every other relationship I have, like friendships and my children, etc., but I feel really uncomfortable initiating with men now. I also do not want a weak man who wants to be taken care of by me. I want an equal partner that is not afraid of the times my urge to move forward with something causes me to take charge. I need him to either support me or step out of my way. When I am not propelled by something and in my resting phase, I need someone who is willing to step up and keep things going so I can rest and not feel like I am carrying the burden of the relationship all the time. I have faith that there is someone out there that can feel like a partner in a dance, rather than a parent/child — like I have felt in the past.

The journey will be difficult and there will be twists and turns. Since my Chiron return is coming up in 2 years, and I will be forced to deal with anything that hasn’t been dealt with before I can come off the roof, taking the time now seems like a worthwhile endeavor. For those who are familiar with astrology, I am a Sagittarius Sun and my progressed Moon has been in Scorpio since December 2020, to move out in April 2023. I need to take the next 10 months to reflect and determine my plan of action in being a Manifestor so that when my Moon leaves Scorpio and moves into Sagittarius and I have the energy and drive I need again I can be authentic and hit the ground running without messing everyone around me up!

Undefined Sacral

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