Something that has been on my mind for a while is that at this stage of my life other than meeting a life partner that fits who I am now I have accomplished most of what I wanted in my life.
- I was driven to get a degree and a career so I could support myself financially
- I knew I had to have children; which allowed me to deal with my family issues and learn boundaries (HD Gate 37)
- I was able to deep-dive into religion to sort out my beliefs (HD Gate 9 & 11)
- I homeschooled my children to make learning and growth the focal point of my home (Sag in 4th house stellium)
- I was a part of, and included in, community through church and homeschool (Gate 37)
- I resolved my shadow issues through deep dives into psychology and human behavior (Gate 36)
- I was able to break free of the bonds to my ex-husband (Akashic/karmic bonds from a previous life)
- I now live in a home that is like a sanctuary, working a job that is financially stable and living a stress-free life able to pursue whatever topic I want to learn about. (Gate 58)
When I turned 45 I went through a mid-life crisis, which prompted my leaving my ex-husband. I blogged about that separately, but the main takeaway was that all my dreams and goals really ended with my kids getting older. I didn’t have any goals that went past getting a divorce and finding a better life partner. It scared me. Fast forward two years and I have done my best to live a peaceful life and situate myself so that I would be who I needed to be to welcome a new life partner. I was feeling like I was ready. However, with the discovery of my Human Design nature and that I am forced to be a Yang/masculine energy woman whether I like it or now, it is causing me to again have a crisis of being. I was fooling myself as to what my life partner would be like and how I would show up.
After my mediation this morning I felt drawn to my Thoth Tarot cards. I am not an expert on Tarot, but I have found Alister Crowley’s Thoth cards to be beautiful and inspiring. Here is the spread:
Defeat – “We do not suffer because of a desire to do so, but rather need suffering and defeat as a necessary experience in order to grow by overcoming it. The desire for knowledge is the wish for redemption. Crowley sees this card as the consequences of an attitude that has been too peaceful, whereby the defeat is the price of an exaggerated avoidance of conflicts.”
It isn’t hard to look back and see that I have had an exaggerated avoidance of conflict in my life. I have a strong desire for peace, which is written all over every profile I have ever taken for personality typing. I hope this doesn’t mean that I have to embrace conflict, but I also hope it means that I can be more open to disagreeing with people and stating what I need and want and accept it if the other person is not in alignment not feeling any stress over it. I do feel this card symbolizes that I need to lay to rest my old patterns and what I thought wanted for my life and look for something that may feel uncomfortable but be better for me.
The Devil – “On the level of consciousness, this card shows that we come into contact with our dark side. These are the experiences in which we become aware of our unfreedom and dependency.”
I have been through dark nights of the soul in the past and it resonates with me that I need to go through another one. I need to die to my image of how I show up in the world. I have spent so much time conforming to a Generator world and as a Manifestor, I cannot be effective doing it that way. I have lost sight of my true self and have not relied on my Inner Authority. It will be a difficult and painful process of holding to my kindness and compassion but letting go of my need to please and not ruffle the feathers of those around me. As one Facebook post indicated, I am the conductor of a train. I move forward, I have a destination, I have a purpose that is on rails. Those around me can choose to purchase a ticket and join me or they can stay out of my way, but the train barrels on regardless. I need to find those willing to join me, not seek those I can join. I am not a passenger. That is a really difficult change of thinking for me and it will force me to get back in touch with the strong opinions that I have buried to get along with everyone.
The Universe – “From a psychological perspective, the Universe personifies the waking consciousness and the self-regulating power of the creative self. This allows us to act socially within the surroundings of our community, and process emotionally the creative contractions of eternal transformation.”
This is a relief after the Devil card. At least the darkness I will go through to find my true self will wake my consciousness and allow my creativity to surface. I do desire to find a community that will benefit from my experience and as a Line 6 in my HD Profile, I am destined to be a Role Model. This confirms that the work will result in benefits to others. Here is a quote from Carl Jung under The Universe:
“To experience the Self means that we are always conscious of our own identity. We then know that we can never be anything other than our Self, that we will never lose our Self, and that we can never be estranged from our Self. This is so because we realize that the Self is indestructible, that it is always one and the same, that it cannot be dissolved or exchanged for something else. The Self enables us to remain the same under all circumstances of our life.” AMEN!