It’s been a few months since I learned about being a Manifestor. I belong to a few Facebook groups that are supportive of both Manifestors in general and women Manifestors specifically. However, beyond Facebook and a few scant YouTube videos, there is not really a lot of information about what it means to live a Manifestor life. It is almost like everyone who is not a Manifestor is reluctant to even speculate what we go through, or assume our lives are amazing. Those who are Manifestors cannot be bothered to recount their struggles.
In Human Design they talk about deconditioning. This is the process where when you learn about your type you then spend the next few years (up to 7) learning how to live according to your design. So, as a Manifestor who was surrounded by Manifesting Generators, I need to learn to follow my urges to initiate things as well as follow my inner authority and ignore pretty much everyone else. Do what I want, when I want without being told what to do by anyone, and apparently, I’ll be happy then, as long as I don’t mind being alone. As I look back on my teenage and college years, I did live a Manifestor life. I did what I wanted when I wanted (within the parental framework) and didn’t follow the advice of other people most of the time. It was a very lonely life. I usually had one friend at a time, never groups, and they would rotate out and be replaced fairly often. It wasn’t until halfway through college I made some guy friends that I then hung out with and enjoyed. I was with the guy I was to marry, so it was all plutonic, but it was great having my two best friends be men. After that, I started working full-time and, in retrospect, did my best to adopt a Generator lifestyle in order to fit in.
Fitting in wasn’t so successful. I found various groups, whether social or church groups, to belong to and made a concerted effort to blend in and make friends so I could feel a part of things. Not just for myself but for my family. Again, in retrospect, it never felt right. Human Design calls it the not-self. I really felt constantly out of place even though those around me accepted me. I made all kinds of efforts against my nature to pursue relationships with female friends that I didn’t really like so I could be accepted. They felt it, I felt it, and they interpreted that as me being fake. Which I guess I was. However, my desire to belong was so strong I was motivated to find a way to make it work. Until I didn’t. A point came when I was heavily involved in a homeschool group that I did finally achieve my “belongingness” and I was suddenly hit with such unhappiness. I realized that making such a strong effort to be a part of something that I didn’t feel good about belonging to was causing me a great deal of stress. We ended up moving states about that time, so I bowed out graciously. From that point forward I only made half effort at belonging in various places until I felt the desire which was rare and not consistent over time. I would belong for a while and then slowly my desire would fade and I’d move on to something else.
Now that I know about Human Design I am attempting to follow my urges and initiate when I want to. I haven’t really wanted to. I think part of it is astrology based in that my progressed Moon is in Scorpio (and I am fire/earth/air predominantly) so it feels like I’m slogging through quicksand mentally and physically. I’ve been tired and lazy for almost two years now. I also think it is recovery from pushing myself to take care of everyone and everything for so long as a wife and mother that after I left my ex-husband I just collapsed and need to not be responsible for anything for a while. I never imagined it would be two + years to recover, so I’m hoping I will feel better when my progressed Moon moves into Sagittarius in March 2023.
I am determined to follow my inner authority as a Manifestor. My concern is that means I will live a largely solitary life. My daughter is in high school, and with any luck, will be off doing her own thing with her own life in a few years. That means I will have no one in my home to be a part of my daily life unless I meet a new mate. Although it doesn’t scare me to be alone, it does feel very wrong to me. I have spent my whole life caring for other people to the detriment of my own sanity and health. While I have learned to take better care of myself, I don’t know how to not have someone else to care for. Life should be about interacting and caring for other people, shouldn’t it? It is healthy to want to have people around that you can support and be supported by, right? I’m not sure if that is entirely true for a Manifestor.
Here is the problem, to be true to our authority we cannot be told what to do. We cannot be asked to do things. We initiate what we want when we feel the urge to do so. Technically other types are supposed to respond to what we initiate. Theoretically, this would be beautiful if we like being a crazy tyrant who is authoritarian, but what about those of us sensitive types who really like people and don’t want to boss them around all the time? I’ve spent the last 30 years trying to stop being so bossy because people didn’t like me, only to realize that I don’t really like people. (#misanthropic altruist) In our society, being bossy isn’t really appreciated and, conversely, I don’t like having to tell people what to do all the time. Hence why it is largely believed that Manifestors should just stay on the fringe of society doing their own thing. Having a closed and protective aura makes this even more likely because most people can’t figure us out and therefore are not as apt to invite a Manifestor into their lives. As I have joined various hiking Meetup groups, when I meet ladies I’d like to be friends with they make little to no attempt to maintain a friendship, unless I initiate. Is it my protective aura or a natural inclination subconsciously that makes Generators just wait for me to do all the initiating? If I don’t push things forward, they don’t happen.
As a female Manifestor trying to date, how do I find a man that will let me initiate AND let me be the feminine energy in the relationship? Combine that with the Generator qualities that I’ve adopted and I think the men that I meet are really confused by me. They get the sense that I’m strong and confident, but I am also feminine and a caretaker so they really don’t know how to approach me or move forward if they are interested in me. However, I absolutely do not want a man who wants me to tell him what to do. Initiating should imply I have ideas and urges that I am meant to follow, not being bossy and in control. Perhaps in my younger years I took on bossy, and now that I’m more mature I can see being a Manifestor as more of a force, like the wind blowing through the lives of those around me.
I recall hearing Ra Uru Hu on the Manifestor Manifesto recording state that he felt really sorry for Manifestor women. I now get why. I hope to recount my journey here on deconditioning and hopefully, some other ladies new to Human Design will appreciate learning that the journey is worth it. I hope it is worth it in the end. I just hope that I will find peace but I will also find companionship and fulfillment.