Manifestor Mania

It’s been a few months since I learned about being a Manifestor. I belong to a few Facebook groups that are supportive of both Manifestors in general and women Manifestors specifically. However, beyond Facebook and a few scant YouTube videos, there is not really a lot of information about what it means to live a Manifestor life. It is almost like everyone who is not a Manifestor is reluctant to even speculate what we go through, or assume our lives are amazing. Those who are Manifestors cannot be bothered to recount their struggles.

In Human Design they talk about deconditioning. This is the process where when you learn about your type you then spend the next few years (up to 7) learning how to live according to your design. So, as a Manifestor who was surrounded by Manifesting Generators, I need to learn to follow my urges to initiate things as well as follow my inner authority and ignore pretty much everyone else. Do what I want, when I want without being told what to do by anyone, and apparently, I’ll be happy then, as long as I don’t mind being alone. As I look back on my teenage and college years, I did live a Manifestor life. I did what I wanted when I wanted (within the parental framework) and didn’t follow the advice of other people most of the time. It was a very lonely life. I usually had one friend at a time, never groups, and they would rotate out and be replaced fairly often. It wasn’t until halfway through college I made some guy friends that I then hung out with and enjoyed. I was with the guy I was to marry, so it was all plutonic, but it was great having my two best friends be men. After that, I started working full-time and, in retrospect, did my best to adopt a Generator lifestyle in order to fit in.

Fitting in wasn’t so successful. I found various groups, whether social or church groups, to belong to and made a concerted effort to blend in and make friends so I could feel a part of things. Not just for myself but for my family. Again, in retrospect, it never felt right. Human Design calls it the not-self. I really felt constantly out of place even though those around me accepted me. I made all kinds of efforts against my nature to pursue relationships with female friends that I didn’t really like so I could be accepted. They felt it, I felt it, and they interpreted that as me being fake. Which I guess I was. However, my desire to belong was so strong I was motivated to find a way to make it work. Until I didn’t. A point came when I was heavily involved in a homeschool group that I did finally achieve my “belongingness” and I was suddenly hit with such unhappiness. I realized that making such a strong effort to be a part of something that I didn’t feel good about belonging to was causing me a great deal of stress. We ended up moving states about that time, so I bowed out graciously. From that point forward I only made half effort at belonging in various places until I felt the desire which was rare and not consistent over time. I would belong for a while and then slowly my desire would fade and I’d move on to something else.

Now that I know about Human Design I am attempting to follow my urges and initiate when I want to. I haven’t really wanted to. I think part of it is astrology based in that my progressed Moon is in Scorpio (and I am fire/earth/air predominantly) so it feels like I’m slogging through quicksand mentally and physically. I’ve been tired and lazy for almost two years now. I also think it is recovery from pushing myself to take care of everyone and everything for so long as a wife and mother that after I left my ex-husband I just collapsed and need to not be responsible for anything for a while. I never imagined it would be two + years to recover, so I’m hoping I will feel better when my progressed Moon moves into Sagittarius in March 2023.

I am determined to follow my inner authority as a Manifestor. My concern is that means I will live a largely solitary life. My daughter is in high school, and with any luck, will be off doing her own thing with her own life in a few years. That means I will have no one in my home to be a part of my daily life unless I meet a new mate. Although it doesn’t scare me to be alone, it does feel very wrong to me. I have spent my whole life caring for other people to the detriment of my own sanity and health. While I have learned to take better care of myself, I don’t know how to not have someone else to care for. Life should be about interacting and caring for other people, shouldn’t it? It is healthy to want to have people around that you can support and be supported by, right? I’m not sure if that is entirely true for a Manifestor.

Here is the problem, to be true to our authority we cannot be told what to do. We cannot be asked to do things. We initiate what we want when we feel the urge to do so. Technically other types are supposed to respond to what we initiate. Theoretically, this would be beautiful if we like being a crazy tyrant who is authoritarian, but what about those of us sensitive types who really like people and don’t want to boss them around all the time? I’ve spent the last 30 years trying to stop being so bossy because people didn’t like me, only to realize that I don’t really like people. (#misanthropic altruist) In our society, being bossy isn’t really appreciated and, conversely, I don’t like having to tell people what to do all the time. Hence why it is largely believed that Manifestors should just stay on the fringe of society doing their own thing. Having a closed and protective aura makes this even more likely because most people can’t figure us out and therefore are not as apt to invite a Manifestor into their lives. As I have joined various hiking Meetup groups, when I meet ladies I’d like to be friends with they make little to no attempt to maintain a friendship, unless I initiate. Is it my protective aura or a natural inclination subconsciously that makes Generators just wait for me to do all the initiating? If I don’t push things forward, they don’t happen.

As a female Manifestor trying to date, how do I find a man that will let me initiate AND let me be the feminine energy in the relationship? Combine that with the Generator qualities that I’ve adopted and I think the men that I meet are really confused by me. They get the sense that I’m strong and confident, but I am also feminine and a caretaker so they really don’t know how to approach me or move forward if they are interested in me. However, I absolutely do not want a man who wants me to tell him what to do. Initiating should imply I have ideas and urges that I am meant to follow, not being bossy and in control. Perhaps in my younger years I took on bossy, and now that I’m more mature I can see being a Manifestor as more of a force, like the wind blowing through the lives of those around me.

I recall hearing Ra Uru Hu on the Manifestor Manifesto recording state that he felt really sorry for Manifestor women. I now get why. I hope to recount my journey here on deconditioning and hopefully, some other ladies new to Human Design will appreciate learning that the journey is worth it. I hope it is worth it in the end. I just hope that I will find peace but I will also find companionship and fulfillment.

INFJ!

When I was younger, and I’m not sure exactly when, I did a Myers-Briggs test to see what my type was. I came in as an ISTJ. It made sense to me at the time because I was analytical and not in touch with my feelings or intuition. However, as I got older and discovered the Enneagram and other personality typing I would look at my ISFJ and think that it represented me at work but not really in my personal life. I went to a career coach and told her I didn’t feel ISTJ fit me, and asked if I could grow and change over the years. She said the core type is the same all your life. Since it didn’t really fit me, I just discounted Myers-Briggs as a career determination rather than having accuracy in personality as a whole. As I was deep diving into Human Design I came across a YouTube video where the guy was adamant that most people are mistyped in Myers-Briggs and that there are strong correlations between Human Design and your Myers-Briggs type. He highly recommended retaking the test. So, I did. The results were INFJ.

Of course, we answer the questions based on where we are at in our lives so the best determinate is to really dig into the typing and see if it still fits. I had never heard of the function stacks of the profiles until I started deep diving. . However, as I have been researching the depth of INFJ I feel it resonates with me perfectly. Like Human Design, seeing myself in the results so clearly is like cleaning mud-stained windows and seeing the world clearly again. Oddly, learning I am INFJ explained why I struggle to understand myself and why it has been my mission in the last 20 years to figure myself out.

Does it seem odd that I typed as an ISTJ first? Not if you dig into INFJ. Growing up, my home life was very chaotic. I was a very sensitive child and being a Human Design Manifestor I was very independent and not in need of other people like my mother. My mother is an extrovert, possibly an ENFP. However, she was very emotionally volatile and explosive. My brother is also an extrovert, possibly ESTP, and very insensitive and blunt in his words. My father is an introvert, but lacking in empathy and is likely an ISTP. So, I was surrounded by people who were in my space, criticizing me and not being careful with my sensitive nature. I had to shut off my feeling and intuitive sides in order to cope with life. Combine that with being shut out by most of my peers in school due to my closed and repelling Manifestor aura, and I learned not to trust people and fall deeply into my imagination. I used my Introverted Thinking and Extraverted Sensing to get through my early life. Facts and logic became trusted because people couldn’t tell me I’m wrong. Feelings are subjective and personal and other people don’t trust them so I didn’t either.

I have had the privilege of going through a class with Lauren Sapala to embrace my INFJ qualities. One of the most important discoveries is the strong feminine qualities of an NF person. So, all my worries about having to embrace a more masculine energy from being a Manifestor are gone. I can camp right in the 50/50 position of being balanced in my masculine/feminine qualities. I can be logical, practical and emotional, intuitive. I love that I don’t have to give up any of my strengths. INFJ is by definition very deep and analytical and tends to be the most extroverted introvert in the Myers-Briggs world. INFJs love understanding people and love anything taboo, like mysticism and the human psyche. They tend to be very comfortable with death and the dark side of things. They also tend to be extremely accepting of people because they delight in understanding all that makes people unique. I have found my people!!