Liar, Liar

2022.11.23

I started a personal growth project in August. It is a book called The Presence Process by Michael Brown. The basic idea is that I meditate twice daily for 15 minutes using breathing exercises and open myself to feeling repressed emotions. Not for the faint of heart, for sure. I have actually had the book for almost two years and avoided actually practicing it. This summer I was compelled to figure out what blocks I may have personally that may be standing in my way of finding a solid, intimate relationship. This book is an excellent way to clear out some emotional baggage, for sure.

Admittedly, I have not been able to slog through the resistance that Mr. Brown warns about. I made it about 5 weeks of being faithful and then got smacked with far too many emotions to carry out the 10-week process. It is my intention this week to begin again this. I have been dealing with a lot of questions internally on whether I really want a new life partner or not. Do I actually like being alone, or have I just so used to it that I feel more comfortable?

I have been doing my best to listen to YouTube videos from Abraham Hicks and get into the Vortex. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically the Law of Attraction and getting to a place where you are in alignment with the Universe to obtain what you desire. The overarching message I’ve had this week is that if you put it out there that you want something you cannot say “but. . .” Going back and forth between “I want it,” “I don’t want it,” “I want it,” “I don’t want it,” is the surest way to either get what you really don’t want or delay any progress whatsoever. I am not of a singular opinion on calling in a new life partner, which explains why they are not currently in my life.

I feel that the reason why I’m of two minds in regard to a life partner is that I still need to work through the blocks that I may have in being the best life partner I can be. The Law of Attraction focuses on the idea that we resonate at a certain frequency and that we call in what is a vibrational match. If I am calling in the wrong kind of people, I must be at the vibrational energy that is matching them. That doesn’t feel good from a conscious level, especially if we are really unhappy with what we have called in, but it is true at a subconscious level.

I realized, as I look through my posts, that I have completely left out any reference to my dating experience this past year. I have been on over 20 first dates through various online dating sites. Only two made it past the 1st date and only one made it past the 3rd date. Without getting into details of our relationship, which was not what I was looking for, I can say that it humbled me on many levels as to what I was vibrationally calling in.

The aspect that is hitting me the hardest is the lack of honesty in the relationship, on both ends. I consider myself a person of high integrity and do my very best in every relationship, romantic or platonic, to reflect courtesy and consideration. As I reflect on the relationship, trying to determine how my energy was thwarting my happiness, I realized that my issues with honesty are not about deceiving, but protecting. When I have something going on with me that I know will hurt someone, I hide it. These are not big things, as I would never cheat on someone or tell them I am going somewhere or doing something that is untrue. I continue to maintain my integrity in being able to live with myself. However, it is more of a sin of omission than commission.

However, it is still lying to let someone believe something that is not true even if you never actually told them something that wasn’t true. As much as I don’t like to admit that this has been a theme for me, it has, and not just recently. It is showing me that my integrity is not as solid as I thought it was. It also explains why the person I had a relationship with also exhibited this tendency. There were so many things that he would imply and allow me to draw my own conclusions rather than tell the truth. In the end, even when I pressed him for the truth on certain things he would skirt around it. I knew he was hiding something from me but he refused to reveal it. That was a deal breaker for me.

As I think about my marriage and this previous relationship, I can say that I have always divulged information if it came to light that I was not entirely forthcoming. I would rather eat crow over the truth than an outright lie. I found this was then my breaking point with the person I was dating because it is a line I don’t cross with the people in my life. However, it doesn’t make it okay to hide things from people just to avoid hurting them. As an example, neither my eh-husband nor this guy knew the extent of my beliefs spiritually because neither of them had an interest in spiritual things. With my ex-husband, it was more that I changed my beliefs during the relationship but with the guy I dated it was about him having an aversion to any strong beliefs in anything. I didn’t really discuss that stuff with them and changed the subject if my full interest in “weird” things rolled around. It isn’t that I think they would leave me over any of my beliefs, it’s just that I didn’t want to feel so different from them and point it out. I realize now that should be something I divulge early with a new partner because it is such a huge part of who I am.

That becomes an interesting slope to slip on, how much truth is too much truth. It will be interesting to navigate. The reason I say this is because I have a friend who shares every thought and feeling with her mate and it appears to make him neurotic. I can have very different feelings from the a.m. to the p.m. on the same day and just because I’m hormonal I don’t want to tell my mate I hate him and then go back and tell him how much I love him when my mood changes. So, in being authentic I also think one must understand what the truth really is rather than thinking erratic emotions are “true”. If over a period of a couple days I am still struggling with a thought or a feeling, it should be shared with my mate. I know it is my life path to process and honor my emotions more fully, I just want to be considerate of which ones need to be shared and which ones are something real and present in the now and which ones are past traumas I need to work through without making my mate feel assaulted by my past.

As being authentically me, and fully and completely accepting myself, becomes a dominant theme in my life, it is time to accept the ugly parts too. I do lie, even if it isn’t overtly. I am ashamed of this and want to make full transparency a priority in my life moving forward. I ask the Universe for forgiveness for my desire to hide less the desirable things about myself and vow to consider carefully if something needs to be shared and chose to keep everything in the light. If someone doesn’t resonate with my truth they do not belong in my life. I can share the truth and protect feelings, they are not mutually exclusive.

Blessings to you all, thank you for being on my journey.

The Wait Is Over

2022.11.21

Over the summer when I was focused on weight loss and looking my best I discovered a gym that was opening in my neighborhood. It seemed right up my alley. However, they were struggling with the city and permits to get the gym opened. They had all kinds of gimmicks to keep people interested in them while they waited. Each month that has gone by they have teased and tempted us with the opening that was “coming soon”. This past Friday they sent an email that indicated they were now open and classes were beginning the next day. Just like that. The prize was just over the ridge for five whole months and then, SLAM! In your face!

I feel so many things in my life have been like that. It is almost like we are in love with the waiting more than the receiving. We love to fantasize and dangle the idea of something in front of us to give us motivation, to tease us into action. However, the receiving is sometimes surprising and sometimes not as welcome as we’d like. For example, I had made it a goal many times over the years to reach a certain weight. It was the weight I was at when I got married when I was 21. It has been my ideal weight for as long as I can remember and I only got below it on one season after I started having kids, and I happened to be very sick when I did. It was a lofty goal for me because I struggle to lose weight when it was really only 25 pounds, I reached that goal in August. I look great. I got into a swimsuit I’ve had since I reached it many years ago when I was sick. Go me!

Another example is wanting to leave my husband. I started making plans to disconnect from him in 2014. Before that, I was resigned to staying married but secretly hoped he would suddenly pass away allowing me to be free. I think divorce is a more healthy thought, don’t you? Over the course of the six years between wanting to leave him and actually leaving him I came close a couple times, but it was freer to think about leaving him. Once the gauntlet was almost down I got scared about what my life would look like on the other side, so I stayed. Until I didn’t. One day (after a lot of circumstances) I woke up and just knew it was time. I told him, and I moved out shortly after. No more doubts, no more fears, the time had just come. The wait was over.

I think the important thing to ponder is what is it that we really want and will the goal we’ve set get us there, or is it just that we think it will? I think losing weight and looking good was about being “enough”. I had it in my mind that I would not be attractive enough until I weighed a certain weight. What I found when I got there was that I didn’t look much different. Sure, my love handles were smaller, but my losing 25 pounds wasn’t all that noticeable until I got into that swimsuit. That meant I didn’t look that bad before, it was all in my head. My issue is that I’m 5’9″ and have big hips and broad shoulders. I’m proportionate, but compared to other women I’m larger (super-sized!). My trainer at that lovely gym I was waiting for said I could lose another 15 pounds to be at the “ideal” weight for my height. However, I now realize that achieving that just means I start to focus on my sagging arms (I am 48) and the loose skin on my belly from having three kids. If that isn’t enough I’d have to lipo this that and the other thing and then I’d start looking like a freak from all the surgery. When does it end? When do I just accept myself as I am?

The goal with my ex-husband was a different goal. It wasn’t about me being enough, it was about being in alignment. I could feel that we did not belong together, but my stubbornness and my commitment to my family were more important to me. That isn’t a bad thing. Most people would commend someone for staying to provide a good environment for their kids. My ex and I didn’t fight, we were kind to each other until the end, so there was nothing really wrong with staying together for the concept of marriage. Except. . . (there is always an exception) I taught my kids that they should give up their happiness for security. As if we can’t actually have both and need to choose. I made that choice. I gave up being my true self to fit the role that I chose. Until I didn’t. Now I have the alignment I desired and the security I need. I can’t say I regret not leaving sooner, but it will be interesting to see how my kids perpetuate that decision in their lives. What will they give up in their lives because they think they can’t have two seemingly opposite desires?

The theme of my life now is authenticity. Not that I have been a glowing example of that. In fact, I could point out several examples in the last month or two where I have fallen flat on my face in manure, but I won’t because that isn’t the lesson. The lesson is that every time I have fallen short I have realized that it doesn’t pay to not be authentic. It hurts myself and others around me to pretend to be someone I’m not, to not tell the complete truth, or not just accept both the good and the seemingly bad together. I feel almost dirty and definitely depressed, and very, very unhappy when I chose not to be authentic and fully present. I read a book a long time ago called The Me I Want To Be (which was inspirational). However, I want to live the title The Me I Accept Myself To Be. I have, time and time again, over the last couple of months been reminded that I have a design. I chose this life. I am stuck in this body, for good or for bad. I have to be me to the fullest and most unapologetic way in order to actually live my purpose and have the people that belong in my life around me. To not be truly authentic is just hurting me and forcing me out of alignment.

So, I am not joining that gym. It is almost poetic that when I came to the conclusion that I am meant to be happy to just be me, wrinkles and love handles and all, the gym opens. The wait is over, but the prize is self-acceptance. I am finally free to be me.

Eclipse Season

2022.11.08

I woke up early this morning to try to see the lunar moon eclipse. At the peak of the eclipse the clouds were covering the moon so I was unable to glimpse it, but about an hour after the peak, it came out of the clouds and I was able to view it fully for a while. I don’t know if it is an energy thing or just my fascination with the moon but I am drawn to eclipses. I remember many years ago when my kids were young pulling them out on the front porch of our house in the middle of the night to see the beautiful full eclipse. The moon looked so round in the sky with its red hue. Although I see the moon regularly it looks more like a disk rather than a ball, but something about that night’s eclipse really accentuated the roundness of the ball in the sky and made it feel more profound.

Astrologers speak of the eclipse season as giving us opportunities to remove the unwanted and call in what we need in our lives. Currently, the eclipses are centered around Taurus/Scorpio so there is a lot involved in stability, money (ours and other people’s), and our shadow sides. Ever since the eclipse last May I have felt a strong pull toward being more authentically me. I have realized how I have not fully and completely accepted myself over the years and it is forefront in my consciousness that doing so is essential to the next steps in my life.

One way this has shown up for me is in discovering I am a Manifestor in Human Design and my INFJ in Myers-Briggs. In my marriage and being a parent, I conformed to my idea of what those roles should look like. I chose to make myself domestic and serve my family because I felt that it was my responsibility. Of course, being the best I could be as a wife and mother is honorable. However, I did so in a way that was not honoring to my own energy. Ironically Manifestors and INFJs have a lot in common. I did a poll on a Facebook page for Manifestor women and over 80% had NF in their function stacks. One, I don’t have consistent energy. So getting up every day and taking care of kids and putting my needs aside was extremely difficult and burned me out entirely. However, getting up and going to a job every day is very hard on my energy as well. I’m not sure there are a lot of options for people who are not a trust-fund babies to have difficulties in this world. Two, Manifestors and INFJs are not meant to fit in with the generator world. I spent far too much time trying to provide a life that was ordinary so my kids would fit in. In doing so I never felt like I belonged.

My commitment to myself for this eclipse season is to honor my own energy. I will no longer apologize for being unique and strong. I have had so many people comment to me that I am the rock in their life. I provide stability and depth. They look to me to set the example of how to live, so I need to just live authentically. Trying to conform around anyone or any “agenda” is not authentic at all. I set my intention this eclipse season to fully and completely accept myself as I am. I can’t really be anything else (well) so let’s give it a go!