Liar, Liar

2022.11.23

I started a personal growth project in August. It is a book called The Presence Process by Michael Brown. The basic idea is that I meditate twice daily for 15 minutes using breathing exercises and open myself to feeling repressed emotions. Not for the faint of heart, for sure. I have actually had the book for almost two years and avoided actually practicing it. This summer I was compelled to figure out what blocks I may have personally that may be standing in my way of finding a solid, intimate relationship. This book is an excellent way to clear out some emotional baggage, for sure.

Admittedly, I have not been able to slog through the resistance that Mr. Brown warns about. I made it about 5 weeks of being faithful and then got smacked with far too many emotions to carry out the 10-week process. It is my intention this week to begin again this. I have been dealing with a lot of questions internally on whether I really want a new life partner or not. Do I actually like being alone, or have I just so used to it that I feel more comfortable?

I have been doing my best to listen to YouTube videos from Abraham Hicks and get into the Vortex. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically the Law of Attraction and getting to a place where you are in alignment with the Universe to obtain what you desire. The overarching message I’ve had this week is that if you put it out there that you want something you cannot say “but. . .” Going back and forth between “I want it,” “I don’t want it,” “I want it,” “I don’t want it,” is the surest way to either get what you really don’t want or delay any progress whatsoever. I am not of a singular opinion on calling in a new life partner, which explains why they are not currently in my life.

I feel that the reason why I’m of two minds in regard to a life partner is that I still need to work through the blocks that I may have in being the best life partner I can be. The Law of Attraction focuses on the idea that we resonate at a certain frequency and that we call in what is a vibrational match. If I am calling in the wrong kind of people, I must be at the vibrational energy that is matching them. That doesn’t feel good from a conscious level, especially if we are really unhappy with what we have called in, but it is true at a subconscious level.

I realized, as I look through my posts, that I have completely left out any reference to my dating experience this past year. I have been on over 20 first dates through various online dating sites. Only two made it past the 1st date and only one made it past the 3rd date. Without getting into details of our relationship, which was not what I was looking for, I can say that it humbled me on many levels as to what I was vibrationally calling in.

The aspect that is hitting me the hardest is the lack of honesty in the relationship, on both ends. I consider myself a person of high integrity and do my very best in every relationship, romantic or platonic, to reflect courtesy and consideration. As I reflect on the relationship, trying to determine how my energy was thwarting my happiness, I realized that my issues with honesty are not about deceiving, but protecting. When I have something going on with me that I know will hurt someone, I hide it. These are not big things, as I would never cheat on someone or tell them I am going somewhere or doing something that is untrue. I continue to maintain my integrity in being able to live with myself. However, it is more of a sin of omission than commission.

However, it is still lying to let someone believe something that is not true even if you never actually told them something that wasn’t true. As much as I don’t like to admit that this has been a theme for me, it has, and not just recently. It is showing me that my integrity is not as solid as I thought it was. It also explains why the person I had a relationship with also exhibited this tendency. There were so many things that he would imply and allow me to draw my own conclusions rather than tell the truth. In the end, even when I pressed him for the truth on certain things he would skirt around it. I knew he was hiding something from me but he refused to reveal it. That was a deal breaker for me.

As I think about my marriage and this previous relationship, I can say that I have always divulged information if it came to light that I was not entirely forthcoming. I would rather eat crow over the truth than an outright lie. I found this was then my breaking point with the person I was dating because it is a line I don’t cross with the people in my life. However, it doesn’t make it okay to hide things from people just to avoid hurting them. As an example, neither my eh-husband nor this guy knew the extent of my beliefs spiritually because neither of them had an interest in spiritual things. With my ex-husband, it was more that I changed my beliefs during the relationship but with the guy I dated it was about him having an aversion to any strong beliefs in anything. I didn’t really discuss that stuff with them and changed the subject if my full interest in “weird” things rolled around. It isn’t that I think they would leave me over any of my beliefs, it’s just that I didn’t want to feel so different from them and point it out. I realize now that should be something I divulge early with a new partner because it is such a huge part of who I am.

That becomes an interesting slope to slip on, how much truth is too much truth. It will be interesting to navigate. The reason I say this is because I have a friend who shares every thought and feeling with her mate and it appears to make him neurotic. I can have very different feelings from the a.m. to the p.m. on the same day and just because I’m hormonal I don’t want to tell my mate I hate him and then go back and tell him how much I love him when my mood changes. So, in being authentic I also think one must understand what the truth really is rather than thinking erratic emotions are “true”. If over a period of a couple days I am still struggling with a thought or a feeling, it should be shared with my mate. I know it is my life path to process and honor my emotions more fully, I just want to be considerate of which ones need to be shared and which ones are something real and present in the now and which ones are past traumas I need to work through without making my mate feel assaulted by my past.

As being authentically me, and fully and completely accepting myself, becomes a dominant theme in my life, it is time to accept the ugly parts too. I do lie, even if it isn’t overtly. I am ashamed of this and want to make full transparency a priority in my life moving forward. I ask the Universe for forgiveness for my desire to hide less the desirable things about myself and vow to consider carefully if something needs to be shared and chose to keep everything in the light. If someone doesn’t resonate with my truth they do not belong in my life. I can share the truth and protect feelings, they are not mutually exclusive.

Blessings to you all, thank you for being on my journey.

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