Human Design 101

I love seeing the way patterns emerge over time. When you look back over 10, 15, or even 30 years and take a big picture analysis of things you can see how not only you showed up in the world but all the events that directed you along various paths. We may not like what we see, since we tend to want to be something we are not, but if we assess things with a non-judgemental eye we can find out who we are by who we have been. With any luck, we’ve seen personal growth, something like shaving the edges a rock to polish it, but we are still made up of the materials we started with.

I had heard of Human Design through various YouTubers that were into astrology, but because of the depth of it and my being new to astrology, I decided to not pursue learning about it. I belong to a terrific group I found on Meetup called Awkwardly Zen and one of the members does Human Design readings. One might think it was an accident, but in my meditations and due to spending a weekend at a Joe Dispenza conference, I have been focused on what direction my life should take moving forward. In pops Human Design as an answer to that direction I’ve been seeking.

There are 4 main types of people in Human Design. Most people are Generators, estimated at around 70% of the population. They are the types that are like builders with creative energy to get things done and assist others in their goals. Projectors are the administrators of the world, they excel at bringing people together and how to maximize the potential of others. They make up about 20% of the population. The smallest group is the Reflectors, at 1% of the population, they live up to their name by mirroring the energy of the environment they are in. They are like the cheerleaders helping others to be aware of what needs to be worked on and guiding them to become their best selves.

I have left the remaining 9% for last because I discovered it is what I am. I am a Manifestor. In the times before the discovery of Uranus in 1781, Manifestors were the ones in charge. They are natural leaders in that, unlike the other 3 types, they don’t have to wait for the Universe to give them permission, they can take charge and “manifest” the change they want to see. They initiate where they see fit. After the Uranus discovery, lots of things changed I don’t have a grasp on yet, but Manifestors were removed as the ones in charge as a society didn’t want dictators anymore, but rather more of a democracy of people shaping their lives on a collective level. For those of us that are born Manifestors now, we live on the outskirts of the community and produce the ideas and initiate change still, but leave it to the others to put it into motion and complete it. The problem with Manifestors is that their energy is closed and repelling, meaning that others sense that they are not open to the energies of others so people tend to distrust Manifestors until they get to know them. Historically Manifestors were tyrants, enslaving others to do their bidding. Although that is no longer necessarily true, there is a fear of the strength the energy Manifestors put off.

What this means for me is that as I look back on my life, I can see the big picture of how I showed up as a Manifestor. I go along and learn and gather information until something strikes a chord in me to take action. Then, with the goal in place, I go gang-busters toward it steam-rolling everything to make that goal happen. I am unassuming, compassionate, and friendly but when I want something nothing can stop me from getting it. Once I have obtained my goal, I sit back and go inward again for some time. I can be closed off and a classic introvert when I need to recharge from using my energy so forcefully. Those times can be months or years depending on how much energy I need for the next adventure. During my down times, I am not interested in taking charge, can focus on the mundane aspects of life, and can be somewhat boring just taking in knowledge and not getting excited about anything. Then, all of a sudden, BOOM! I have a goal to accomplish and all of life changes and everything in me explodes in the direction of my goal and I become an extrovert pushing toward my goal with the ferocity of a volcano. It cannot be explained to other types, whose energy is more consistent and reliable.

One of the problems with the world not understanding the different types is that everyone wants others to be like them. So growing up with nothing but Generators around me (literally every family member I have) they didn’t understand me. My ferocity when I dug in, my general energy of independence, and my lack of needing others in any tangible way once I was old enough to dress myself, confused and frustrated those around me. It is very normal for Generator parents to try to break the spirit of Manifestor children, and mine did their best. What that ended up looking like was my being passive and shutting off my thoughts and feelings to people so they weren’t intimidated by my strength. It worked out for me to be able to live in a world of mostly Generators. As a child, most other children didn’t resonate with me and I had a lot of trouble making friends. Learning to hide my strength and show a more adaptable side to people allowed me to have good relationships in the world, which I do not regret in the least.

The only issue I see is in my intimate relationships. Because I am not consistent in my nature, I can rest for quite some time in a more Yin role of compliance where I don’t need to control things. However, once there is something that I do want to focus on and initiate change I am quite dominating and will get downright scary when people stand in my way. Because my very aura is one of strength, I draw men who are more compliant types. However, I have difficulty respecting men who are not able to be strong during the times that I am needing to rest and recover my energy. I am not wanting to lead overall, I just need to be given leeway when I have a goal. I don’t know how to reconcile that and that will remain a focus of my meditations going forward. A true Yang energy man is going to be very unhappy with my closed, repelling aura because a Yang energy man needs a receptive and open Yin woman. Perhaps I need another Manifestor. When we are in our downtime we can read and travel together just enjoying life, but hopefully, we can find goals we both want to accomplish together that will allow us to become an unstoppable force for change and growth in the world. It would be tremendous to have a fellow Manifestor to accomplish goals with because the amount of energy needed would be divided and allow for less burn-out and possibly less down-time in between spurts. That, however, is just a theory. It may very well blow up in my face to be with another person who cannot be stopped if I am not in alignment with their goals.

More to come on Human Design. I cannot recommend enough learning as much as possible about how you operate and show up in the world. It is so freeing to be able to have permission to be me and know how I am seen and understood by others. Because we are conditioned by others who want us to be like them, it is so easy for us not to show up authentically even if we think we are. I have spent the last 5 years trying to become more Yin so that I could find a strong man, however, being more Yin is not what is best for me. I don’t have trouble being Yin, I have trouble coming to terms with my inner strength and not apologizing for it when I do want something. It is completely redirecting how I approach life moving forward now that I have this information.

It is a beautiful thing to give yourself permission to show up how you were designed to show up in the world. There is always room for improvement, so learning to love others and show up in a kind and honoring way is essential. But, not apologizing to anyone about being authentically you is truly a gift to yourself.

Astrology and Myth

Over the last few months I have been doing my best to shore up some of the basics of astrology. I joined a class that meets weekly for a year to go over all the structure and knowledge from the Hellenistic traditional teachings. There are terrific textbooks to go through which help solidify a lot of missing pieces for me. Obviously, I have a long way to go on the class and there is a lot more to learn but what I’m finding is that to really understand astrology it requires a devotion to archetypes and mythology.

When I was learning about the Enneagram, I really enjoyed the depth of it. Not only do you have the 9 different basic types of personality but you have nuances from the other types on either side a person can lean toward. You can go to different types when you’re stressed or when you are very happy. You can have different tendencies even within your own type based on your mental health and state of mind. It then factors in so many other aspects to your type that reveal the extreme complexities that really do make us up as individuals. The only problem I had with the Enneagram is that you can’t really assist other people other than to educate them. I cannot look at my friend or my child and help them determine even what type they are on the surface without really understanding their inner mind. It is very easy to mis-type yourself and not easy to type someone else because we are so complex. What I love about astrology is that from someone’s birth chart I can see the various areas of potential growth or pitfalls and then assist from there and although someone may not be exhibiting their chart they cannot chose another one.

However, in looking at someone’s chart it is not enough to see that they have Jupiter in the 12th house or Venus in the 5th. As a student of astrology that does not tell much. Yes, you can derive some information from the basic placements. Being an analytical, logic-minded person I was looking for formulas and checkboxes to be able to read a chart accurately. That may make for a decent reading, or a basic one, but it is not a professional level reading. I picked up Richard Tarnas’ Cosmos and Psyche book as well as Liz Greene’s The Astrology of Fate. It has become abundantly clear to me to observe the chart like a game board. Stay with me here. My oldest son played Magic and Dungeon’s and Dragons. Occasionally I would be in the room and hear the process. They had to know, in depth the characters and what tools and assets they had to offer. They had to know how they interacted with other characters. They would make up scenarios to the game to lay the groundwork of the storyline etc. It was very complex. The same appears to be true of astrology as well. Not only do I need to know that Aries is ruled by Mars but when Venus comes through the 1st house is she welcome? What is it like to live in the territory of Mars and what tools to they have to offer? Are they willing to share the tools with Venus or is Venus rejected and treated like an enemy? Does Venus have power there because she is an outsider? When she moves into a Mercury ruled house, is she more welcome? Is she treated with respect and given the tools she needs? These are the mental constructs needed to really understand a chart. It takes imagination and knowledge of the archetypes of each character and how they relate.

So, it is my next step in the journey toward astrological mastery to read up on the old mythologies of old. I intend to look into the Greek stories as well as the Jungian archetypes to get a foothold on the various characters and the feelings and tendencies behind the complex personalities of the gods and creatures represented there so that the birth chart comes to life. Granted, my imagination cannot drive someone else’s chart. It still requires their input to confirm that the archetypes are presenting in the way that the chart seems to indicate, but once that is verified it will help in really diving into what the karma and fate of a person’s trajectory truly may be. It is my sincere opinion that unless I can actually assist a person in locating pitfalls and finding their destiny then being an astrologist is really no more than interesting at best.

Another interesting thought I had in relation to the birth chart being like a game was from Liz Greene’s description of Pluto moving through the houses as a person gets older. Pluto starts out in one house and can take 20+ years in each sign as it moves. Where Pluto starts out is an indication of the area of life that is most needed to work on for the person. However, as Pluto ticks through each sign it creates havoc and upsets all the person’s perception of life and how they find stability. As I was pondering movies/stories that I’m familiar with that may provide some insight I thought of The Hunger Games. In the final book/movie the “players” find themselves in a game that is similar to a clock. As the clock strikes on a new hour something crazy and disrupting happens, in some occasions killing characters, burning them or driving them to another part of the “clock” to ensure they do not get comfortable. Pluto, likewise, can represent chaos and death. Not only actual death, but death of ideas, comfort, relationships, the self/ego etc. It is meant to drive change and force the person to become what they were meant to become. The purpose of The Hunger Games is very different than Pluto. Pluto isn’t attempting to destroy for the sake of punishment. It is looking to take down so it can rebuild better and stronger, unless of course death actually occurs. Liz Greene points out that we are at the mercy of Pluto and fighting it will only cause more damage than to just accept the lessons it has to give.

These are the kind of stories that we can look at and relate to as we look at charts and attempt to explain them to the people looking for information within them. As I grow to understand the myths and stories, both new and old, it can give some depth of understanding and a foothold to the person’s ability to relate their lives to those of the characters in the stories. Accepting that we are like Katniss navigating a volatile Pluto transit through the 12th house and gearing up for the battle within is more empowering than just telling someone that Pluto in the 12th house will cause depression and a questioning of everything they believe. The house Pluto is transiting through indicates the kind of armor and weaponry we may need to get through it with strength and purpose rather than being battle torn and wounded. A 20 year transit is no joke and should be taken seriously.

I’m excited for this new adventure. It will require me, as a person, to get in touch with my right brain and weave the left-brained knowledge into something more tangible and interesting. There are no boxes to check or pat answers to give in real astrology. I intent to learn what I need to do be the best I can be.

August 12, 2021

It’s official, I’m divorced. I’ve actually been divorced for two months now. I happily feel that it was the best decision for me, without a doubt. Even though I was separated for a year before the divorce, it was important to me not to start the dating process until I was officially single. I have spent a couple months getting some important life matters taken care of and now I’m ready to see if I can find love again. I have been working towards putting up my profile on a couple of dating websites. Being the dutiful over-achiever that I am I have been “studying” to make sure I’m successful. Is there any way to be truly prepared?

A couple of hurdles come to mind as I, again, peer over the hedge into a new world. The last time I “dated” was in the 90s. I think a few things have changed since then – not the least of which is the age of the men I am compatible with. It is odd that I continue to think of myself as youthful and see the pictures of my potential dates as “old”. My mirror confirms I am not 18 anymore but my heart does no such thing. Another hurdle is that I never actually learned how to just have fun. I was a very serious person as a teen-ager. Oddly, I was more serious then than I am now. I had no patience for guys who didn’t fit my perfect ideals so, needless to say, I had a lot of first dates and very few 2nd dates. I think I’m much more prepared to be light-hearted about my time spent with the opposite sex. However, I still feel the rule that if I don’t really like them I’m not going to waste my time has to remain high on my list.

Whether for good or for bad, I have fallen down the rabbit hole of YouTube research. I have found a few favorite male dating coaches that I have been adamantly following. They have some differences in opinion about things, but what they all seem to agree on is that women who want a “real” man have to be feminine and not chase the guy. They all agree that sex is not required after the 3rd date. They also highly recommend not having dinner as the 1st date, too awkward and unspontaneous. It would seem that the only way to find someone I will really like is to find topics to discuss that are non-interview style. Tell me about your job, is not a question that needs to be asked, unless I want to bore the guy to death. Another agreement they seem to have is that I’ll have to touch base with dozens if not hundreds of men to sort through to get one that will stick. Wow, is it really like sending out a hundred resumes so you can go on a dozen job interviews to finally land the one job? What is the payoff? At least with the job you get a steady paycheck and health benefits. With a relationship it is tenuous and uncertain, and you can still get fired!

What do I want from all this? I recently meet with a counselor who recommended throwing out the rulebook from my YouTube gurus and just focus on being playful, having fun and keeping my antennae up on what makes me feel authentic and engaged. Where ever I am at in the process keep asking myself “Am I having fun?” If not, redirect or move on. It is great to be at the stage of life where I don’t have any clocks ticking to move me closer to something. I don’t want any more kids, I don’t really care if I remarry, and I am financially in a good place. I’m looking for a life partner that I truly enjoy. What does that look like? Great conversation, which may include playful sparring and disagreements but all for the sake of digging into the issues to have fun conversing, not to argue a side. It looks like being able to just sit together without feeling the need to entertain or force conversation too. I want to feel like best friends and great lovers without feeling trapped or obligated. I want to wake up every day and choose the make the commitment to continue in a relationship that has flowing energy, not stagnant, festering energy that is soul-draining. Passion is important too, but I’ll leave those details to the imagination. I want to have fun!

My nature is to embrace both stability and change. It may be an odd combination but I have to have movement, hence the change to keep things interesting, but I also have to have grounding and security. I want my relationship with my life partner to be that way. Like the swing set at a park. It is cemented to the earth to keep it from flying off or toppling over but yet there is free flow of movement. Sometimes it can go slowly. Sometimes it is moving backwards instead of forwards. However, sometimes it is exhilarating. You can choose the speed and it takes work but it is experiencing both flow and stability.

In my work, I spend my whole day solving problems and creating order. I am looking forward to dating to not solve a problem but to just experience the chaos of life and meet new and interesting people. If dating is like any other situation involving people, there will be plenty of people I don’t like, find annoying and just simply don’t want to spend time with. However, there will be people I find fascinating and even if it isn’t a long-term relationship will find value in having known them for whatever time they have graced my life. The important thing, I believe, is not to try to “manage” it but to just experience it. I need to trust my intuition, keep important safety protocols in place, and enjoy the experience.

May 14, 2021

Great Expectations

No, I’m not reading Charles Dickens, I’m thinking along the lines of relationships and how we start out with certain ideals and expectations and then allow them to dwindle down until we are just getting by in a relationship but for whatever reason we don’t seek to move on from them. Every time in years past that I brought up with friends how unhappy I was in my marriage I was met with a barrage of reasons why their relationship was just as bad or worse. As if their being unhappy was all the reason I needed to remain unhappy with them. Oddly, this social norm of staying in relationships that are entirely unsatisfying is very, very standard. Yes, there are people who get a divorce but more often then not those people seem to have extenuating circumstances that make it more socially acceptable like infidelity or abuse. Considering how far we have come with being tolerant of various lifestyles that used to be taboo, we have not yet come to a point in society were we expect to actually enjoy our chosen life partner past the wedding vows.

In a few recent conversations, one friend remains with her husband even though they never connect and never have meaningful conversations. They spend time together physically, but emotionally they haven’t spent time together in years. Yes, they have younger children who take up a lot of their time. They both work full-time and have the ordinary albeit overwhelming responsibilities of life that get in their way. I imagine this makes up most of married couples. The kids come along and their relationship suffers but it is their duty to march on in their apathy toward each other until the kids are grown and hope they can salvage how they once felt toward each other. In ways this is noble; the kids are important. However, what this is teaching the kids is that mom and dad’s relationship is not valuable and they will carry on the tradition in their marriages. Wouldn’t the children be better off if the parents carved out time to remain friends and lovers instead of just roommates? That would be a much better example to duplicate.

For the other friends I have, it varies between utter distain of their spouse to desperately trying to get the spouse to be, do or feel the way that they “used to” in a way that is codependent and unhealthy. With audiobooks and the internet there is no shortage of ways to learn how to communicate, interrelate and find healthy boundaries and yet most couples just march on in their drudgery and eventually may snap and divorce. However, the fault doesn’t lie in the resistant partner entirely and as we see with those that divorce and remarry, the likelihood of happiness goes down because each person is still behaving in the new relationship in the same manner they did before.

Because so many of my friends have parents or loved ones who divorced and were no happier, when I talked to them about dating again they were all adamant that there is “nothing better out there” and “no man can communicate”. I disagree. I do know of relationships that are great and men who communicate. What is the key factor in those people and relationships is that they are committed to working on things and being mindful to keep making an effort rather than becoming complacent and apathetic. If one partner is eager to work on things and the other one is not, eventually it will become a serious problem. If both are content to be below average in their relationship is is certainly better than one person nagging and getting angry with their partner that is not willing to make the effort.

Another issue that I have observed in relationships is that one person in the relationship is carrying the lion-share of the responsibility while the other one doesn’t feel responsible for anything. The non-responsible party is happy to blame the other person when things are not going well, however. This is not specific to men and women as far as who is the responsible one. I do think this is part of the masculine/feminine dilemma. The more I understand masculine and feminine energies the more I see how the feminine is the one that can take more and become apathetic and lazy while the masculine can be more neurotic running around trying to find their worth in all the tasks they do for everyone else. I fully admit that I was trained to be a masculine energy woman. I took on more and more responsibility for my spouse and my children because that is what had to be done, not because I desired it. I have natural abilities to problem solve and I’m good and organizing and taking care of things. It makes me a great employee, but at least there I get paid. Over the course of 25 years it burned me out and practically gave me a nervous breakdown.

As I look back, I could blame my ex for allowing our relationship to become so lop-sided but the truth is that it is the natural order of things. Yin-yang is necessary in life to keep things balanced. We attract the opposite to us or we will feel very uncomfortable with the relationship and will not stay in it. I was a strong, opinionated, highly motivated person in my early life and because of various experiences I had with my family and was determined never to be at the mercy of a man to take care of me. Therefore, I picked a man who I had to take care of. It put me in a position of power because growing up I felt so powerless. In the beginning our relationship was exactly what I wanted and felt comfortable with. However, over the course of time and more than one serious bouts of depression I realized that I could not sustain the neurotic, over-achieving lifestyle and begged my husband to move out of the fully feminine (taker) mode and have a more balanced relationship. Unfortunately, he was not able to do so. That was his right to continue to be what is best for him. Besides, I changed the dynamics, I couldn’t expect him to change. I have healed the wounds that made me the neurotic and masculine energy. I look forward to exploring a healthy, unselfish feminine energy role, as well as attracting my new opposite energy.

Again, as I peer over the divorce hedge and consider what I want for the remaining years of my life I do know that I need a life partner. My reasons are no longer so I can take care of someone and feel validated by my self-sacrifice. My reasons are that I am a better me when I have someone I care about in my life. For those still in the thick of parenting, their children may be enough. I am on the downward slide to empty-nesting and I desire a companionship with someone that feels like it is fair and balanced like a proper yin-yang relationship. That is my expectation moving forward, and a great expectation I wish more couples had for themselves.

March 12, 2021

As the New Moon approaches I always look through the book “New Moon Astrology” by Jan Spiller to see what areas of focus I want to take on my meditation. She recommends looking at the sign the moon is located in to align with the energies. As I look at Pisces I’m reminded how gentle and non-aggressive the energy of Pisces is. The calm before the Aries storm of “me” energy. The 12 signs are like a song that starts off strong and has various highs and lows throughout and ends softly only to begin again like Beethoven’s 5th. All I can say is “be warned!”

I love astrology not just because of the personality typing but also for the evolutionary development it proposes. My south node is in the 10th house which implies that in a previous life I was a high performer and career-focused and because it was in Gemini I likely was skilled at communicating. My north node is in Sagittarius/4th house both imply that learning and philosophy/truth are supposed to be my focus in this life but also understanding my roots and being very attached to quiet home life. It is important to spend some time reflecting on both the north and south nodes. The south node comes easy for us and is like the worn-out rut that we just can’t seem to get out of. I have spent far too much time in my life dedicated to earning money. Obviously, I felt I was doing it for the good of my family and spent it on their care (being faithful to the 4th house stellium I have) but it was not being true to my ultimate purpose in this life. When we ignore our purpose and choose to remain in what is comfortable, we not only do ourselves a huge disservice we hurt those around us who are not receiving the benefit of the growth we should be sharing with them.

There is nothing more sad than to meet someone in the late stages of life that have refused to grow, refused to meet life’s challenges head-on, or simply just has not become the best version of themselves. However, that is more common in my life than not. I hesitate to bash my family of origin, but as I look at their development I see people who have basically dug into their south node and fought tooth and nail to retain it.

Since I left my husband last summer, I have spent a great deal more time with my parents than I have in the last 10 years. Granted for 3 of those 10 years I was estranged from my mother because she has extremely poor boundaries and continued to hold me responsible for her feelings and needs even though I had my own family and children to take care of. That period of withdrawal from my mother took me down a path of psychological growth and personal development. I learned everything I could about boundaries and how to handle conflict and what was a healthy way to interact with someone if they are not meeting your needs. I focused on working on myself, hammering out how I could be a better mother, wife, and human but it then became more obvious how those around me were not aligning to those healthy standards. Fortunately, I was also working on my spiritual growth so I have not felt the need to point out and punish those in my family for not being healthy, but it hasn’t been easy. When you find the path that feels right and aligns with what you feel the Universe calls you to be, it makes it hard to align yourself with others not on that path. No one will ever be perfectly in alignment, and we have to open our hearts to people who struggle, but we don’t have to continue to invest energy in unhealthy relationships with people who have no desire to be the best versions of themselves. I left my husband not because he wasn’t a good person, but because our paths no longer aligned and I am not going to try to force someone down a path they don’t want to be on.

What do you do with your parents and children, though? I can easily say with my children, I will suck it up and do everything I can to remain in their lives in a positive way. I suppose if they were very unhealthy I would limit the amount of investment, but they are always my children and always deserve my love and attention as they desire. That may be my 4th house stellium talking again. However, I have struggled my whole life on how to approach my relationship with my parents (especially my mother) because it is so difficult to have a healthy relationship with them. After the 3 years of estrangement, we settled into a relationship where we just don’t talk about feelings. I maintained boundaries and she terrorized my children with her constant need for validation, but we found a “happy ground” where we could spend time together. In the last 8 months living apart from my ex, my mother and I spent a lot more time together. Admittedly, I do not share my heart with her and keep the amount of information about my personal beliefs and hobbies to a minimum. She is a very conservative fundamental Christian and if anyone has views outside of hers she seems to take it as a personal attack. How can I be fully open and present to a person who would get vicious and angry if she knew I no longer consider myself a Christian and am highly absorbed in understanding astrology, energy healing, and alternative spiritual practices?

For various reasons, I have not been in much contact with her over the last month. We met last weekend to have breakfast and instead of approaching it with hurt and expressing herself in a healthy way that she didn’t understand why I had not reached out much in that time, she went back to her pre-estrangement days of attacking me personally and viciously trying to get me to make her feel loved and adored. Because of the amount of growth I’ve experienced, I think I handled it well. However, I could no bring myself to make her feel better. I felt understanding for her reaction, but no sympathy for her pain. There is so much more I need to work on, and so many areas that I fall short, but one area I am proud of is my desire to let my children be who they need to be. I have two boys, one full adult and one who is not legally an adult but close enough to be considered one. They have all kinds of quirks and personality “issues” they are working on, but I love them dearly and don’t try to force them into my mold or control their reactions to things. Being boys, I have no expectation of how often they spend time with me and delight in them when they do. Conversely, they do want to spend time with me and we have great conversations on those occasions. I practice my healthy conflict skills when problems arise and only assert my authority when it is absolutely necessary because they are old enough to decide (most) things for themselves. My teen-daughter is another story because I still need to parent her, but she still receives respect and when we have conflict we work through it in a manner that is not abusive or detrimental to her self-esteem (or so I hope!) It is those experiences that give me confidence that although I’m not perfect, I am learning and open and compassionate with my family.

I don’t expect to be able to work through the answer to my dilemma here, nor do I want to be estranged from my mother again. I spent time away from her not to change her, but to develop my boundaries and heal my wounds so that she no longer had power over me. I feel through our conversation that I was successful with learning both those things. However, when someone sets expectations of you that they have no right to set and then tries to hold you accountable to those expectations without being open and willing to compromise or negotiate, it makes things impossible. I could be passive aggressive or even fully aggressive, but those approaches are not in alignment with who I want to be. I’d like to take a compassionate stance that something drove her into this place of protection and the inability to satiate her own needs without getting forceful and angry toward those in her life. The problem is that I am her child. If it were anyone else in the world, I would know how to handle the relationship, but being her child means that navigating the relationship will never be easy. I hate no-win situations. When I say “win” I don’t mean being right so much as resolving it in a way that feels good to me. I prefer win-win situations and she will not allow that. If I benefit she feels she has lost and if she benefits she makes sure I feel I have lost. How do I work with that?

Therefore, I will meditate on my Pisces energy and ask for wisdom and likely find a way to navigate my dilemma.

February 10, 2021

New Moon in Aquarius

Tomorrow is the new moon this month. As a part of my New Year’s resolution, I intend to write down every new moon up to ten “wishes” that I have for my life. I was given the suggestion to read New Moon Astrology by Jan Spiller by one of my favorite astrologers, Annie Botticelli. The book is filled with suggestions from many different aspects of life to help you decide what to wish for. I have a nice bound journal to keep track of my wishes so I can track if they come true or not. The theory is that the new moon holds special energies that will amplify your desires. Regardless, I believe any time we focus on something we are one step closer to manifesting it in our lives.

The journey from logic to belief is long and arduous. I’m a strongly left-brained, scientific type person who has spent most of my life thinking rather than feeling. I think part of my transition in this life is to tap into my intuition and feelings and balance that with logic and rationality. It is a bit like a tug of war that sometimes makes me feel either insane or in need of medication. However, as I lean into it I am starting to feel better footing.

One of my wishes is to exhibit more feminine qualities. I am looking back at my 24-year marriage that ended and thinking through all the things that could have been done differently. One of the most glaring issues that I’m discovering is the balance of masculine and feminine energy in our marriage. I’ve recently been listening to YouTube videos by John Gray, author of all the Men are From Mars books. He really lines out the roles the genders should be playing and just how very wrong we end up getting it in relationships. Listening to him, it really is no wonder I have such a strong desire to not be married anymore.

My parents set the stage wrong. Although my dad was capable of strong masculinity my mother was the typical bossy, controlling wife that didn’t delight in what my dad provided and shamed and manipulated him into not wanting to do anything for her. As a young wife, I thought that it was my job to do all the cleaning, cooking, and caretaking. I had low expectations of my husband providing anything for me because I never saw my dad do much of anything for my mom or the family outside of work. According to John Gray in a properly balanced relationship, the man always gives more than the woman. There may be defined roles, but if there were a way to quantify who was doing more in the relationship the man would take the heavy end. In the “old days” it meant the husband went to work to provide the house and all the possessions and the wife took care of those possessions in gratitude. I am NOT in favor of the old ways. I am very happy I was born into a world of gender equality. However, in a perfect world it was a beautiful way for the woman to have freedom to live each day as she saw fit making sure the house ran smoothly and the man bore the brunt of obligation. I say this with dreamy eyes because the reality for me was working full-time, taking complete care of my children, handling all the cleaning and mental load of running a family/household/finances (not to mention all the decision making) and my husband went to work for 8 hours a day, cooked dinner (mostly), and then spent the rest of his time with feet up resting. The imbalance laid the bulk of responsibility at my feet and I became more and more stressed and resentful.

According to Gray, When a woman is stressed, her estrogen drops and she takes on the more masculine role (which diminishes her sex drive). When a man isn’t giving more than a woman in the relationship his testosterone drops and he develops more feminine qualities in the relationship (which makes him lazy). Both of those hormonal responses produce depression and more stress in the genders. True happiness and fulfillment happens when the woman is producing strong estrogen (which means she feels sexy) and the man is producing strong testosterone (which gives him the energy to DO things). Sadly, when you’ve practiced the wrong habits for so long the only answer seems to be divorce and to try to get it right with the next person. Habits are so strongly engrained it is nothing short of a miracle to get a couple to stop dancing that same dance, like my parents, who never learned a new dance.

I recognize that although I didn’t know better, it was my fault for allowing myself to take on more stress than I could handle and not expect more from my husband. My personality is on the neurotic side of the spectrum, so I take on more and more responsibility to prove my worth. Or at least I did. As I transition from logic to intuition my desire to take care of myself and allow for my joy and rest to take more of a central role in my life increases. I expect less of myself and oddly my self-worth is increasing rather than decreasing. I am feeling the supreme peace of knowing that there is a “good enough” in my view instead of striving for unobtainable perfection. I can honestly say that meditation replaced the need for medication to achieve a non-neurotic life.

So, as tomorrow approaches and I set about to determine what my new moon wishes will be for this month I am focusing on learning to embrace femininity. Not out of selfishness, or even resentment toward lazy men, but knowing that by finding my own value and joy and I can actually bring value and joy to my next relationship. Yes, it will be my wish to find that lucky guy to test out my new-found knowledge, but not out of neediness. In this beautiful new moon, an absence of something, I have found wholeness.

December 31, 2020


It seems important to take time at the end of a year to reflect on what I’ve learned and the growth or challenges of life so as to move forward with intention. In years past, working for myself, I didn’t take much time to reflect. I was gang-busters on getting shit done. I’m thankful that I have a job that I can take PTO and sit and drink my coffee in the morning quiet of my apartment and just be.

That is one of my New Year’s resolutions. Learn to just be. I truly want to embrace whether astrology is what it claims to be. I spent 15 years neck-deep in the Christian Bible trying to sort out how I feel about religion and came out the other side realizing that there is so much more than that box can hold. It doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid box to sit in, but as I’ve stated elsewhere truth is truth at all levels, not just the one we are camping on. I recall that people I met along the Christian path made all eastern thoughts such as yoga or astrology out to be evil. One of my more stubborn traits is that if you tell me something is wrong, I’m going to explore it to figure out why I should believe that. I don’t take things a face value, if it is important I will deep dive in to figure it out. It must be the insanely strong Sagittarius nature I have. 5 of my placements are in Sag, making me seek truth above all things. Astrology may be just an indicator of possibilities, but I would like to explore how those posibilities actually play out to get a sense of what may come moving forward. It isn’t a crystal ball, but it can be useful none the less. It is worth my focus for a while to see if it is both trustworthy and true.

According to my astrological predictions of 2021, my progressed moon is moving into Scorpio for 2021. I need to learn more about how that all works, but apparently it means I will be more emotional. Moon in Scorpio. . . seems like sending a scientist into a daycare center. Chaos reigns! There is very little logic and no way to contain it. I look forward to emotional growth and learning to deepen my ability to understand myself better. It perhaps will deepen my interest in astrology and other psychological endeavors. I am hoping it will increase my ambitions since Mars rules Scorpio. I have spent the last couple of years feeling listless in setting goals so with any luck I will be able to truly figure out what I want for the next phase of life. The Moon in Libra, that I’m moving out of, explains why I was so set on keeping the peace and not rocking the boat in my relationships. Even in moving out of my house and leaving my husband I did it in a very peaceful and non-confrontational way. It also explains why the turmoil with my daughter during the Spring COVID shut-down was so difficult for me. I’m actually looking forward to embracing the ability to have constructive conflict and not feel the need to make everyone else comfortable for a while. It also seems like a great time to take up dating! That will be a roller-coaster of emotions I haven’t felt for 30 years and this time I am much more grounded and mature in understanding myself.

As I listen to the predictions for both Virgo and Sagittarius in 2021 it appears my energies will get off the hook with some of the more negative tones of the year. The over arching idea of 2021 appears to be that it will be better than 2020 but only in that it is unpredictable in nature fluctuating up and down rather than the “under the thumb” feeling of 2020. Steve Judd is adamant that January is going to be the hardest hit with some unpredictable nightmares occurring mid-month and then some release of that until September-October when some scary hidden things are going to come to light that will rock the world. November may see some natural disasters and other physical earth changes too. Overall, though, my sign outlook for both Sag and Virgo are very positive as Jupiter is my dominant figure and it is blowing me kisses on both fronts for most of the year.

So, in planning my year, or at least making my resolutions, I want to focus on my own stability and ability to take care of myself. Ever since I got pregnant with my first child I have focused on my family. That appears to be from a strong 4th house and Saturn in Cancer placement. However, something about leaving my husband and two sons and camping with my daughter in my own sanctuary as released me from my bonds of enslavement. Not that I don’t still want to nurture and love my children, but I feel a strong sense of release from being burdened by it. It is like my boundaries have been lifted and instead of trying to reign in and control everything I am feeling a strong sense to let the cards fall where they may. My boys are adults now (my mid son doesn’t turn 18 until June by by in large he is his own man in every way). In discovering the depth of astrology I am learning that they have their own lives to lead. I am now a spectator and although I can call out my observations, it is their game to play. I do not need to shelter or protect them from all the harsh aspects because it just hinders their growth and development. As I have seen in my own life, the earlier you learn the lesson the better it will be for you in the long run. There are SO many lessons to be learned in life and skipping over any of them is a huge disservice.

I see that in my ex-husband’s chart. Although I am still convinced his birth time is wrong, it is impossible to overlook his birth day. As I review all the placements and what they mean and how his life path “should” be according to his chart, he has pretty much missed all his opportunities for growth and completely derailed his path in this life. He is on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces – literally to the hour. Although technically his is Aquarius he exhibits all the Pisces negative qualities. However, the rest of his placements make no sense. I see very little of his life in the interpretations. Why? I believe that childhood trauma brought out the Pisces ability to detach into a dream world took over. He has stuck his proverbial head in the sand and refused to engage in life. As I learn more, I understand where it started. We married when he was 19. That was our first mistake, but I digress. Around 28 is the Saturn return, which causes someone to really question who they are, what they want, and what direction their life is taking compared to their life path and purpose. Because when he was 28 we had 2 small children and he was a stay-at-home dad, he chose to refuse to take up the torch, so to speak. I was the “boss” of the family and he was happy to keep the kids alive during the day and have no real responsibility. That is not his life path and purpose. As our family grew and life continued to get more mundane, he got further and further from who he was supposed to be to the point that he became very unhappy. However, he saw this as “life” in that being a dad and a husband meant that he wasn’t supposed to be happy somehow. Instead of then figuring out his responsibilities and engaging as a father to his children, he checked out. He holed himself up inside his own head, not letting anything or anyone in. He kept his nose to the grindstone of work, after our daughter was born and I chose to stay home with the kids, because he enjoyed it and it suited him, but his home life was completely boring to him.

What is interesting to me as I read the version of “who he is”, I really like that guy. If he had actually become what his chart indicated, if he had met all the challenges and stepped up, embraced conflict in that he fought for his own happiness and become the best version of himself, we would still be together. It is in refusing to see the pressure life was putting on him as helpful, he was squashed by it rather than elevated. I look at my own chart and see it reflects me, scarily, to a T. Although I feel like I’ve failed in a lot of ways, according to my chart I have embraced life’s challenges beautifully and learned the lessons presented thus far. I lived out my South Node (in Capricorn) in my early years, embraced my North Node (in Cancer) during my parenting years and now get to release myself from that burden. I was tortured by my IC being in Scorpio by my Scorpio mother and now my mid-heaven in Taurus can shine with my satisfaction in my physical world.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lot to learn still. Equipped with my chart, I know what that is. My Jupiter in my 7th house predicted the end of my 1st marriage and now my Pluto squaring my Venus tells me I have to get comfortable with my emotions. That indicates both having a fear of intimacy and a strong desire for it. I need to move past the fear of it to find it with my next mate. I abhor the thought of dating in that I know I will have to date a lot of different people, which means exposing myself and all my inadequacies to the nth degree. However, it is my next path of growth to put myself out there and find out how to hold on to my energy and not allow other people to toss it around like a boat on the ocean in a storm. I was drawn to my 1st husband because he was stable, emotionally, and did not cause drama. However, intimacy comes from moving through conflict to resolution. I never felt emotionally intimate with him because he was so guarded and we never actually resolved any conflict. After a fight, I never felt closer to him, only more frustrated and lacking in release. I have my children to thank in teaching me that we can have serious disagreements but still be dedicated to each other and come out the other side feeling stronger and more connected. I am not the emotional vampire my mother was, and conflict is not death, as her Pluto nature imposed. I do feel, however, a strong desire to stay completely away from people with strong Scorpio as it feels like regression back to childhood for me.

What have I learned in 2020? My worth is in who I am not what I do. As a Virgo I have an insatiable desire to be useful. I have learned that I am useful and have proven that in every way and no longer need to prove that. Of course, I still have to get things done and do a good job in what I do, but now I see that is innate in who I am not something I have to worry about. I over-do my usefulness to the point that others feel like they don’t have to do things because I’ll take up any slack. That puts me in a position of feeling resentful and lacking in boundaries of what really is mine to do and what really belongs to others that I have taken on. I want to hold on to this notion that I cannot take up other people’s slack without somehow injuring both myself and those I think I’m helping. There is always a time when they cannot do something and helping them is the compassionate thing to do, but knowing when that time is and when it is them just refusing to take responsibility is a supremely important line to understand and not to cross.

I have also learned that I have to step out of my head and engage in life too. I’m not the “head in the sand” person my ex-husband is, but because most of my planet placements are in the southern hemisphere of my chart my life lives in my consciousness not out in the world. It has been a safe-haven and a wonderful first half of my life to really develop my mind and conquer my sub-conscious wiring. Not that I’m an expert, but I’ve done the work. I really feel that it was in physically leaving my husband that I realized action is just as necessary as making the decision in your mind. I left my husband mentally 5 years ago, honestly, but I feared the reality of it and how it would affect my family if I physically left. I realize that the mind is like the sandbox version of a computer program. It is nice to play around and see how it might go to work out bugs and make sure it is what you really want, but it is the production side of the program or life that matters. Until it leaves the storyboard and is physically realized it doesn’t really count. So one step I need to take is in speaking my truth. I spend a lot of time hiding what is really in my mind to “protect” either myself or others from the harshness of who I really am. This has created relationships that aren’t actually real. People don’t actually know me. I blame the fact that my parents and my ex weren’t capable of knowing me no matter what because of their own inability to see reality, but that doesn’t excuse my hiding things from them. I have to put out there who I am and they can either deal with it or ignore it at their leisure and I can choose to spend time with them or not depending on their reaction. However, until I put it out there we can’t know what will really happen.

So, in summary, 2021 will be a year of honesty and of self-acceptance both mentally and physically. I am who I am and those who appreciate that will stick around and those that don’t will fall away but I’m not taking responsibility for anyone but me and showing up as the real me. Dating will test this and hone it and helps me fight against my tendency to hide and pull back from those who would energetically deminish me. It will be rough for sure, but I want to embrace my Sagittarius nature and have fun with it. I want to be playful and enjoy getting to know people on a different level. To really embrace my Jupiteriousness (not a real word!) I need to seek truth not only internally but live it externally. Carpe Diem!!

December 26, 2020

Uncovering the Authentic Self – Week 1

One of my paths to self-actualization according to my astrological reading is to develop my communications skills both in written and verbal mediums. I came across a DailyOm course on “Uncovering the Authentic Self” that asks a bunch of questions weekly to help you look back and see trends and various roadblocks in your past that will help you clear the road for the future. I intend to review these questions and do my best to engagingly introspect. Feel free to join me!

What is standing in your way right now?

Over time I’ve realized that I am the only one standing in my way and that is usually a huge hurdle to overcome. I have spent a great deal of time, energy and money to determine who I am and it seems that is a never ending topic. I seem to fight against my own inner-knowing and brush it off as too easy or over simplified. The truth is, if I would just take myself seriously I would have a much easier time.

However, as I do look back over my history and compare it to my astrological chart and what they “predicted” I still think life would have taken a different course than my intuition would have allowed. For example, I knew I had to be a mom. I didn’t really want to, in the beginning, but something said that it had to happen for me. I thought I would only have one, and that would have shaped me very differently than having three did. I unconsciously ended up having to dedicate myself to my children and my family (as my 4th house and half my planet placements dictated) rather than dedicating myself to my career (as my south node was trying to move me away from.)

Now that I know what my chart says my growth points are and what I can expect from the 2nd half of my life I can navigate more consciously and avoid those things that I know are not congruent with my true self. However, psychology still plays a big part in things. As I was reading today in a horoscope analysis I purchased on AstroDienst, my struggle with both myself and my chosen partner in life is my desire to work out my “daddy issues”. The absence of my father in my childhood now leads me to desire a surrogate and it really resonated with me that my desire to find a new husband stems from my desire for someone else to give me meaning and purpose and be that ideal father-figure that I can admire. Crap! I need to get really comfortable with taking care of myself and depending on my own resources to find security and meaning before I can successfully find a new mate.

What would happen if you overcame the obstacle?

I have worked on my daddy issues. Around the time my 2nd son was born it started becoming very clear I could no longer release my dad from responsibility of his absence in my childhood. Yes, my mom was the dominant figure in my life but he chose to not participate. It took me a long time to work through forgiving him for not protecting me from my mother’s emotional abuse (she is a solid Scorpio) and even longer to forgive him for not actually being a father on any level other than financial provisions (he is a star Capricorn). However, I still admired him to some degree until I had an all-out war with my mother and chose to stop talking to her for a couple years. Even though he knew how crazy she has always been, even though she was wrong on so many levels, my father still stood there and said that I was basically a disappointment as an adult. He said if I had only been disciplined more as a child, maybe I would have grown up better. That was the moment any and all disillusions of my father fell away and I saw him clearly. I saw him as a weak and selfish man who deserved my mother and was happiest when he was miserable. He felt superior in her insanity and my rocking that world and trying to better myself, or her, was unacceptable. He would never see me, the same as my mother would never really see me – only the fantasy of what they wanted me to be.

It never occurred to me that I needed to let go that my ideal for a man. I do realize that no man is perfect and no relationship will ever be roses and rainbows all the time. However, as I have decided to let go of my 1st marriage because he cannot see me, just like my parents can’t see me, I do need to be real about what I can expect if I marry again. If I could really understand my desire to idealize the perfect man as everything my father and my soon to be ex-husband represent are not, then I would be able to set the expectation a little more realistically. Honestly, that is my biggest deterrent for dating and why I’ve delayed filing for divorce. I know there is baggage and a great deal of compromise in finding someone to spend your life with after 40. I don’t believe in fairy tales or perfection anymore but there is still a strong disappointment to me when people fall short. I know everyone will fall short of my ideals and I don’t know how to live with the discord. I don’t want to accept something mediocre because perfection doesn’t exist and yet if I don’t I will get nothing.

Are obstacles really just fears holding you back?

Um, yes, obviously! But let’s review the facts. I have many friends I really can’t spend that much time around, but I hold onto the friendship anyway. I see their “quirks” and their issues clearly and I have learned to accept that it is not my place to try to fix them or hold them to any kind of standard. Some I truly respect and value, others are just fun to do stuff with. However, I have to limit how much time we’re together. A few I can travel with, but most I can’t be with for more than a few hours at a time. I’m finding that true with my kids as well. As they grow into adulthood, I find them difficult to be around all the time. I think it is the energy that they exude. Strong energies really tire me out and I need a lot of downtime to find my own energy again. My mother taught me that when someone around me has a stronger energy I needed to back up and sit quietly. I find it hard to show myself, my opinions, and my desires when I’m around someone who is stronger energetically than I am. If they are weaker, I can stand up more but I also have an aversion to people I find really weak. If I can dominate someone, I feel guilty doing so therefore I will hide my strength to protect them. So, it would seem there is a really small margin that I can operate as myself in.


I think my take-away today is that I need to learn how to hold my energy steady regardless of who I am around. Perhaps dating is a great way to practice that since the majority of dates will “go away” and I don’t have to see them or spend time around them again. I have realized that my not engaging in conflict has not been healthy for me or those around me. They cannot every really know me if I never tell them what upsets me. I have a fiery nature that I need to allow to be unleashed. When people realize that they irritate other people, they have a choice to make changes. If they choose to continue to irritate people, then they will suffer the consequences of not having those people around – but it is still a choice and I am an adult now. I am not a child who needs to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Perhaps as I spend more time around people and practice using my energy to make room for myself, more people will be less difficult for me to be around.

December 21, 2020

Winter solstice, shortest day of the year, and this year it marks the convergence of both Jupiter and Saturn in the sky. They will look almost like one planet even though they are millions of miles a part. This is the first time they have been in this position in 800 years and in addition to being significant by themselves they are both entering into the house of Aquarius. Yes, I am interested in astrology now.

I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to figure myself and other people out. It never ceases to amaze me how different people can be and how diverse they can be. I started learning about the 4 quadrant typing system, DISC is the one that comes to mind but there are so many variations of this system and they go by many names. However, that is like saying it is a 2-story house or a ranch style. It doesn’t describe the size, neighborhood, color etc. It just gives you a framework to mentally understand a few of the dimensions. It is important the same way knowing if someone is an introvert or an extravert. It sheds light on otherwise confusing differences in people. I, however, need more.

I have looked at Myers-Briggs. I think it is very helpful from a career perspective because it goes into details about work style and communication. If you are an ISTJ (as I am) you will not likely go into sales. If you do, you will be supremely unhappy because it just isn’t “who you are”. With 16 different types in Myers-Briggs it helps to really dig a little deeper to pinpoint some more unique differences between people. However, it doesn’t really take into consideration upbringing and influences that life throws at you to help you become more balanced. The typical ISTJ is someone who lacks in the people skills department so they focus on facts and data. They make great accountants and scientists, which is why I went into finance where I can both analyze and be neck deep in data. However, my life influences have given me the ability to teach and counsel and be able to break down the steps into understandable sections to show other people how to do things. I thrive when I’m training others and being able to see them understand what I’m showing them. That is not necessarily common to ISTJ. There comes a point in these kinds of models where you can’t just type-cast a person based on a test or you may overlook some really important factors.

The Enneagram has been my favorite for several years due to the depth and breadth it offers. Not only are there 9 specific personality types but it shows how people will change when they are doing well or doing poorly. It also shows the different directions they may lean within their personality toward the one next to them on the wheel. I do find it very validating and the most compelling is the levels of health it dives into. A healthy Type 1, for example, is humanitarian and eager to “fix” the world on a selfless level. However, an unhealthy Type 1 is judgmental and negative to a pretty strong degree. People live on the spectrum each day but the Enneagram gives guidance to how a person may be drifting downward on the levels as to how to bring themselves back up. What works for a Type 1 will not work for a Type 3 to improve their levels. The key to the Enneagram is knowing which one you are. It is easy to mis-type yourself. People have a problem with not seeing themselves in reality. They may not like aspects of themselves so they project different behaviors so they feel better about who they are. If you mis-type yourself it is really pointless to use the Enneagram. As with the other two systems you really need the help of someone who really knows you to tell you if a type fits.

So, what about astrology? People read a lot about their horoscope and most people know the basics about their sun sign just because it is fairly common now. However, the sun sign is really misleading. I am a Sagittarius and for most of my life, that just didn’t fit me. Yes, I do like to travel but I’m a solid home-body who likes consistency. I do like my freedom, but it expresses itself in a very muted fashion. It is more of a freedom of the mind and choices rather than a physical freedom. It wasn’t until I discovered that the rising sign (ascendant) is what your personality really is that it made sense. I am a Virgo rising, which explains my attention to detail and my organization as well as my need to do everything the “right” way. The sun sign is your path to growth. As a Virgo I need to lighten up and embrace a fun-loving side to honor my Sagittarius nature. I see the struggle for both and know that is things like picking up and moving my family across the country (twice) that my Sagittarius-ness came out. My hopping on a plane and wandering around London by myself for 4 days (and loving it!) shows my gypsy side. My day to day presence is defined by the Virgo.

Astrology is so much more detailed, and confusing, so it is not for the faint of heart. Once you get a full natal chart and see the planets spread out and find out their locations all mean something entirely different for you than for other people your head might spin a bit. However, if you actually understand what they all mean, you find a lot of details that the other systems miss. You also are what you are. I know my birth date and time and that isn’t going to change. I cannot mis-type my astrology chart. One interesting thing to note is that you can not become your astrology chart. Depending on your traumas in life, and your willingness to let life shape you, you can end up on a path that is different than your chart. So, if your chart doesn’t resonate with you, it would be best to really look into what happened in your life that pushed you away from realizing your true potential – because the chart is a map to becoming the best you. And you always have a choice. However, if you choose not let life shape you there is no chance you are happy about it. There will always be a feeling that a piece of you is missing because you literally amputated your real self somewhere along the way. You can use the chart to understand where you do need to go and do your best to get back on track. You can find the missing pieces and repair the damage if you are intentional and dedicated.

April 30, 2020


The Celestine Prophesy focuses on energy. Understanding how it works in general, understanding how it interacts between people, how important it is in relationships and getting in-tune with the world etc. I found the part about the dramas we play to be very interesting. There are two “coins,” so to speak, in which people choose one and favor one side. One coin is the intimidator/victim coin. On the one side is the person who uses their energy to dominate another person entirely. They summon great force and attack a person energetically/physically/emotionally/verbally. The other side of that coin is the victim. They go with the “poor me” mentality of passive-aggressively retaining their own energy in the situation by playing on sympathies. It is harder to spot this person, but they manipulate to get us to feel sorry for them and change our energy to help them. Understandably, if someone is intimidating we expect the person being intimidated to react as a victim, but a strong victim mentality is destructive in that they take no responsibility and live their lives willingly “at the mercy of others” when in fact it is simply their refusal to take control that is causing them to be in the situation they are in. The intimidator takes energy and the victim is actively blocking energy and holding it in. Oddly, the victim when energized enough can become an intimidator. It may not be their go-to but they can turn around and intimidate others when they feel the advantage.

The other coin is the interrogator/aloof dramas. The interrogator questions the other person either openly or covertly to look for holes in the other person’s thinking so they can point it out and prove them wrong. It isn’t inquisitive behavior, because they aren’t looking to learn, but a means to get energy by feeding off the other person. It is more subtle than intimidating, but it takes energy nonetheless. At the extreme, it leaves the person being interrogated feeling shamed or humiliated because the interrogator found their weakness and tore them to the core. The other side to that coin is the aloof drama. They are active avoiders but not as victims but as deflectors. They “play dumb” or place their attention elsewhere to avoid the situation altogether. They may say or do something to dodge the interrogator’s questions or freeze and claim ignorance. Instead of fighting, they flea. They also withhold information and refuse to allow the interrogator to get enough information out of them to find a flaw because they know what the interrogator is doing and refuse to be shamed. They are actively holding on to their energy to keep it from being stolen. A talented person who is aloof will go to great lengths never to be cornered and have to give up any information, they are excellent dodgers.

I am an interrogator/aloof person and my husband is an intimidator/victim. I spend my childhood in an aloof drama in order to avoid my parent’s interrogating skills. My mom is one who uses both coins actively but seems to favor playing a victim. However, my dad is an expert interrogator and very aloof. I spent the first 20 years of my life feeling shamed pretty much all the time by what I didn’t know and got good at learning to stop people from ever getting the best of me through my ignorance. My husband favors the victim side and goes into the “poor me” mode whenever I get upset with him. He is not very good at intimidating and only seems to use it with our kids. However, because he has never honed his skills he just comes across as a supreme jerk instead of masterfully using it to get what he wants. Whenever I become an intimidator to get something I want (like compliance from stubborn teenagers) it feels horrible and abusive to me and I don’t want to be that person. However, tearing someone to their core and shaming them doesn’t feel as wrong to me, even though the effects can be just as harmful. As I go through my own healing process, I have more compassion and empathy and although I may use my interrogation skills it is less to shame and more to unravel information that is being withheld. As a life-long learner and interrogator, it is very important to me to have facts so it feels easy to justify asking too many questions in the name of communication. I’m not really sure where that line is.

As I was reflecting on energy and how it plays back and forth between people I was struck at the patterns of my energy in my life. Because my family growing up consisted of people with very strong energies I naturally had to defend my own from being sucked away from me. My dad wasn’t that interested in dominating me and left me alone for the most part, but my mom was an energy hoarder. Whenever she felt low she would do just about anything to gain some for herself and she was very creative in engaging in various dramas to create an energetic situation she could feed off of. I had to get very creative in bringing the drama under control so it didn’t (psychologically) kill me.

As a defense mechanism, I think I developed a pattern of matching my energy to the person I wanted to make happy so that I could feel safe. I’m going to have to explore more of that with other people and see how I do it, but I morph to fit in so as not to stand out and be a target. However, I see that I married my husband because he does not feed off energy. He never has felt the need to dominate me, and when we were younger I would interrogate him and he would just shut down. I would try to get energy through my skills and when I didn’t get it, I would become an interrogator to generate more energy and when he didn’t budge I would have to deal with my own need. He was a rock that anchored me and helped me face my own need for drama and learn to find other, more healthy ways to deal with my needs. I appreciate that, it still isn’t healthy because we never learned to work through conflict or deal with our frustrations, but it has helped me to become more self-sufficient in my energy flow.