As the New Moon approaches I always look through the book “New Moon Astrology” by Jan Spiller to see what areas of focus I want to take on my meditation. She recommends looking at the sign the moon is located in to align with the energies. As I look at Pisces I’m reminded how gentle and non-aggressive the energy of Pisces is. The calm before the Aries storm of “me” energy. The 12 signs are like a song that starts off strong and has various highs and lows throughout and ends softly only to begin again like Beethoven’s 5th. All I can say is “be warned!”
I love astrology not just because of the personality typing but also for the evolutionary development it proposes. My south node is in the 10th house which implies that in a previous life I was a high performer and career-focused and because it was in Gemini I likely was skilled at communicating. My north node is in Sagittarius/4th house both imply that learning and philosophy/truth are supposed to be my focus in this life but also understanding my roots and being very attached to quiet home life. It is important to spend some time reflecting on both the north and south nodes. The south node comes easy for us and is like the worn-out rut that we just can’t seem to get out of. I have spent far too much time in my life dedicated to earning money. Obviously, I felt I was doing it for the good of my family and spent it on their care (being faithful to the 4th house stellium I have) but it was not being true to my ultimate purpose in this life. When we ignore our purpose and choose to remain in what is comfortable, we not only do ourselves a huge disservice we hurt those around us who are not receiving the benefit of the growth we should be sharing with them.
There is nothing more sad than to meet someone in the late stages of life that have refused to grow, refused to meet life’s challenges head-on, or simply just has not become the best version of themselves. However, that is more common in my life than not. I hesitate to bash my family of origin, but as I look at their development I see people who have basically dug into their south node and fought tooth and nail to retain it.
Since I left my husband last summer, I have spent a great deal more time with my parents than I have in the last 10 years. Granted for 3 of those 10 years I was estranged from my mother because she has extremely poor boundaries and continued to hold me responsible for her feelings and needs even though I had my own family and children to take care of. That period of withdrawal from my mother took me down a path of psychological growth and personal development. I learned everything I could about boundaries and how to handle conflict and what was a healthy way to interact with someone if they are not meeting your needs. I focused on working on myself, hammering out how I could be a better mother, wife, and human but it then became more obvious how those around me were not aligning to those healthy standards. Fortunately, I was also working on my spiritual growth so I have not felt the need to point out and punish those in my family for not being healthy, but it hasn’t been easy. When you find the path that feels right and aligns with what you feel the Universe calls you to be, it makes it hard to align yourself with others not on that path. No one will ever be perfectly in alignment, and we have to open our hearts to people who struggle, but we don’t have to continue to invest energy in unhealthy relationships with people who have no desire to be the best versions of themselves. I left my husband not because he wasn’t a good person, but because our paths no longer aligned and I am not going to try to force someone down a path they don’t want to be on.
What do you do with your parents and children, though? I can easily say with my children, I will suck it up and do everything I can to remain in their lives in a positive way. I suppose if they were very unhealthy I would limit the amount of investment, but they are always my children and always deserve my love and attention as they desire. That may be my 4th house stellium talking again. However, I have struggled my whole life on how to approach my relationship with my parents (especially my mother) because it is so difficult to have a healthy relationship with them. After the 3 years of estrangement, we settled into a relationship where we just don’t talk about feelings. I maintained boundaries and she terrorized my children with her constant need for validation, but we found a “happy ground” where we could spend time together. In the last 8 months living apart from my ex, my mother and I spent a lot more time together. Admittedly, I do not share my heart with her and keep the amount of information about my personal beliefs and hobbies to a minimum. She is a very conservative fundamental Christian and if anyone has views outside of hers she seems to take it as a personal attack. How can I be fully open and present to a person who would get vicious and angry if she knew I no longer consider myself a Christian and am highly absorbed in understanding astrology, energy healing, and alternative spiritual practices?
For various reasons, I have not been in much contact with her over the last month. We met last weekend to have breakfast and instead of approaching it with hurt and expressing herself in a healthy way that she didn’t understand why I had not reached out much in that time, she went back to her pre-estrangement days of attacking me personally and viciously trying to get me to make her feel loved and adored. Because of the amount of growth I’ve experienced, I think I handled it well. However, I could no bring myself to make her feel better. I felt understanding for her reaction, but no sympathy for her pain. There is so much more I need to work on, and so many areas that I fall short, but one area I am proud of is my desire to let my children be who they need to be. I have two boys, one full adult and one who is not legally an adult but close enough to be considered one. They have all kinds of quirks and personality “issues” they are working on, but I love them dearly and don’t try to force them into my mold or control their reactions to things. Being boys, I have no expectation of how often they spend time with me and delight in them when they do. Conversely, they do want to spend time with me and we have great conversations on those occasions. I practice my healthy conflict skills when problems arise and only assert my authority when it is absolutely necessary because they are old enough to decide (most) things for themselves. My teen-daughter is another story because I still need to parent her, but she still receives respect and when we have conflict we work through it in a manner that is not abusive or detrimental to her self-esteem (or so I hope!) It is those experiences that give me confidence that although I’m not perfect, I am learning and open and compassionate with my family.
I don’t expect to be able to work through the answer to my dilemma here, nor do I want to be estranged from my mother again. I spent time away from her not to change her, but to develop my boundaries and heal my wounds so that she no longer had power over me. I feel through our conversation that I was successful with learning both those things. However, when someone sets expectations of you that they have no right to set and then tries to hold you accountable to those expectations without being open and willing to compromise or negotiate, it makes things impossible. I can take a passive aggressive approach like my brother does. I can take a full-on aggressive approach like my father does. However, neither of those is in alignment with who I want to be. On the other hand, being honest and trying to have a normal, healthy conversation is not an option either because my mother’s defense mechanisms go into overdrive if she feels you are being critical of her behavior at all. I’d like to take a compassionate stance that something drove her into this place of protection and the inability to satiate her own needs without getting forceful and angry toward those in her life. The problem is that I am her child. Anyone else in the world and I would know how to handle the relationship, but being her child means that navigating the relationship will never be easy and I hate no-win situations. When I say “win” I don’t mean being right so much as resolving it in a way that is beneficial to me. I prefer win-win situations and she will not allow that. If I benefit she feels she has lost and if she benefits she makes sure I feel I have lost. How do I work with that?
Therefore, I will meditate on my Pisces energy and ask for wisdom and likely find a way to escape.