Don’t Over Think It

December 2, 2022

Have you ever noticed that people who are oblivious seem to be protected by the Universe? I have been in awe so much of my life by people who are not big thinkers just going about life with invisible bumpers on them that seem to protect them. For example, my mother is a very frustrating and not particularly evolved person but she believes God will provide her with parking spaces and protect her from harm. She drives like a blind, drunk sailor. However, she rarely has any problems arise and when she does she skates through it without major conflict. It is like 1,000 angels are surrounding her car making sure she gets to where she is supposed to go. People she interacts with feel sorry for her and cut her a break, even though she isn’t particularly nice. She just exudes “take care of me” and those around her do.

Certainly, you’ve seen other people like that. The airheads that it never occurs to them that they don’t deserve less and end up with a great partner and the amazing life that they neither earned nor really even seem to appreciate. They just expect that life will provide for them, and it does. Conversely, you know the one who is like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh who walks around expecting disaster and seems to find every negative thing that life has to offer. The rain cloud of disappointment just lurks above them waiting for the crap of life to fall. They expect life to piss on them and they exude the attitude of “treat me badly” and those around them do.

Do you see a trend? I have been listening to YouTube videos from Abraham Hicks and am finally realizing that having positive thoughts is not just a “sort of” thing. It is a way of life if you want good things to happen. It also appears that the more thoughts you put into something, the more you are likely to fowl it up. Having spent time learning from Joe Dispenza, there really is something to setting an intention in your meditation and then drop it. Be like the airhead that assumes the Universe is waiting like a lap dog to provide for you and expect it to happen without overthinking it. When we overthink things, it is like the hover-mother critiquing every move of their poor child trying to get something done. Imagine that you’re making the Universe nervous and it can’t do its best with you looking over its shoulder giving instructions on every step. Set it and forget it!

As a side note, have you ever noticed that when you are around some people you are compelled to treat them in a certain way? I have a son that exudes negativity so I am compelled to argue with him and push him regardless of whether he “deserves” it. I have met people that I felt compelled to be unkind to, and even if I didn’t follow my notion I disliked them for no reason. I was amazed by a lady I met recently who just radiated to be ignored. It was so hard to even want to talk to her. We really need to be careful about where our thoughts go because they become the magnet for how we are treated.

It is my intention to continue to emit a positive attitude that I believe the Universe can and will bless me greatly. It isn’t about deserving or achieving, any more than our children have to deserve or achieve for us to give to them. I find ways to bless my children because they exist and I love them. Yes, if they behave badly there are consequences just like if I choose something that isn’t for my highest good I may suffer for it. However, the Universe is ready and waiting to bless us if we open our hearts and minds to be blessed. Regardless of getting a good parking place, we may just find that other people are more apt to like us!

Liar, Liar

2022.11.23

I started a personal growth project in August. It is a book called The Presence Process by Michael Brown. The basic idea is that I meditate twice daily for 15 minutes using breathing exercises and open myself to feeling repressed emotions. Not for the faint of heart, for sure. I have actually had the book for almost two years and avoided actually practicing it. This summer I was compelled to figure out what blocks I may have personally that may be standing in my way of finding a solid, intimate relationship. This book is an excellent way to clear out some emotional baggage, for sure.

Admittedly, I have not been able to slog through the resistance that Mr. Brown warns about. I made it about 5 weeks of being faithful and then got smacked with far too many emotions to carry out the 10-week process. It is my intention this week to begin again this. I have been dealing with a lot of questions internally on whether I really want a new life partner or not. Do I actually like being alone, or have I just so used to it that I feel more comfortable?

I have been doing my best to listen to YouTube videos from Abraham Hicks and get into the Vortex. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically the Law of Attraction and getting to a place where you are in alignment with the Universe to obtain what you desire. The overarching message I’ve had this week is that if you put it out there that you want something you cannot say “but. . .” Going back and forth between “I want it,” “I don’t want it,” “I want it,” “I don’t want it,” is the surest way to either get what you really don’t want or delay any progress whatsoever. I am not of a singular opinion on calling in a new life partner, which explains why they are not currently in my life.

I feel that the reason why I’m of two minds in regard to a life partner is that I still need to work through the blocks that I may have in being the best life partner I can be. The Law of Attraction focuses on the idea that we resonate at a certain frequency and that we call in what is a vibrational match. If I am calling in the wrong kind of people, I must be at the vibrational energy that is matching them. That doesn’t feel good from a conscious level, especially if we are really unhappy with what we have called in, but it is true at a subconscious level.

I realized, as I look through my posts, that I have completely left out any reference to my dating experience this past year. I have been on over 20 first dates through various online dating sites. Only two made it past the 1st date and only one made it past the 3rd date. Without getting into details of our relationship, which was not what I was looking for, I can say that it humbled me on many levels as to what I was vibrationally calling in.

The aspect that is hitting me the hardest is the lack of honesty in the relationship, on both ends. I consider myself a person of high integrity and do my very best in every relationship, romantic or platonic, to reflect courtesy and consideration. As I reflect on the relationship, trying to determine how my energy was thwarting my happiness, I realized that my issues with honesty are not about deceiving, but protecting. When I have something going on with me that I know will hurt someone, I hide it. These are not big things, as I would never cheat on someone or tell them I am going somewhere or doing something that is untrue. I continue to maintain my integrity in being able to live with myself. However, it is more of a sin of omission than commission.

However, it is still lying to let someone believe something that is not true even if you never actually told them something that wasn’t true. As much as I don’t like to admit that this has been a theme for me, it has, and not just recently. It is showing me that my integrity is not as solid as I thought it was. It also explains why the person I had a relationship with also exhibited this tendency. There were so many things that he would imply and allow me to draw my own conclusions rather than tell the truth. In the end, even when I pressed him for the truth on certain things he would skirt around it. I knew he was hiding something from me but he refused to reveal it. That was a deal breaker for me.

As I think about my marriage and this previous relationship, I can say that I have always divulged information if it came to light that I was not entirely forthcoming. I would rather eat crow over the truth than an outright lie. I found this was then my breaking point with the person I was dating because it is a line I don’t cross with the people in my life. However, it doesn’t make it okay to hide things from people just to avoid hurting them. As an example, neither my eh-husband nor this guy knew the extent of my beliefs spiritually because neither of them had an interest in spiritual things. With my ex-husband, it was more that I changed my beliefs during the relationship but with the guy I dated it was about him having an aversion to any strong beliefs in anything. I didn’t really discuss that stuff with them and changed the subject if my full interest in “weird” things rolled around. It isn’t that I think they would leave me over any of my beliefs, it’s just that I didn’t want to feel so different from them and point it out. I realize now that should be something I divulge early with a new partner because it is such a huge part of who I am.

That becomes an interesting slope to slip on, how much truth is too much truth. It will be interesting to navigate. The reason I say this is because I have a friend who shares every thought and feeling with her mate and it appears to make him neurotic. I can have very different feelings from the a.m. to the p.m. on the same day and just because I’m hormonal I don’t want to tell my mate I hate him and then go back and tell him how much I love him when my mood changes. So, in being authentic I also think one must understand what the truth really is rather than thinking erratic emotions are “true”. If over a period of a couple days I am still struggling with a thought or a feeling, it should be shared with my mate. I know it is my life path to process and honor my emotions more fully, I just want to be considerate of which ones need to be shared and which ones are something real and present in the now and which ones are past traumas I need to work through without making my mate feel assaulted by my past.

As being authentically me, and fully and completely accepting myself, becomes a dominant theme in my life, it is time to accept the ugly parts too. I do lie, even if it isn’t overtly. I am ashamed of this and want to make full transparency a priority in my life moving forward. I ask the Universe for forgiveness for my desire to hide less the desirable things about myself and vow to consider carefully if something needs to be shared and chose to keep everything in the light. If someone doesn’t resonate with my truth they do not belong in my life. I can share the truth and protect feelings, they are not mutually exclusive.

Blessings to you all, thank you for being on my journey.

The Wait Is Over

2022.11.21

Over the summer when I was focused on weight loss and looking my best I discovered a gym that was opening in my neighborhood. It seemed right up my alley. However, they were struggling with the city and permits to get the gym opened. They had all kinds of gimmicks to keep people interested in them while they waited. Each month that has gone by they have teased and tempted us with the opening that was “coming soon”. This past Friday they sent an email that indicated they were now open and classes were beginning the next day. Just like that. The prize was just over the ridge for five whole months and then, SLAM! In your face!

I feel so many things in my life have been like that. It is almost like we are in love with the waiting more than the receiving. We love to fantasize and dangle the idea of something in front of us to give us motivation, to tease us into action. However, the receiving is sometimes surprising and sometimes not as welcome as we’d like. For example, I had made it a goal many times over the years to reach a certain weight. It was the weight I was at when I got married when I was 21. It has been my ideal weight for as long as I can remember and I only got below it on one season after I started having kids, and I happened to be very sick when I did. It was a lofty goal for me because I struggle to lose weight when it was really only 25 pounds, I reached that goal in August. I look great. I got into a swimsuit I’ve had since I reached it many years ago when I was sick. Go me!

Another example is wanting to leave my husband. I started making plans to disconnect from him in 2014. Before that, I was resigned to staying married but secretly hoped he would suddenly pass away allowing me to be free. I think divorce is a more healthy thought, don’t you? Over the course of the six years between wanting to leave him and actually leaving him I came close a couple times, but it was freer to think about leaving him. Once the gauntlet was almost down I got scared about what my life would look like on the other side, so I stayed. Until I didn’t. One day (after a lot of circumstances) I woke up and just knew it was time. I told him, and I moved out shortly after. No more doubts, no more fears, the time had just come. The wait was over.

I think the important thing to ponder is what is it that we really want and will the goal we’ve set get us there, or is it just that we think it will? I think losing weight and looking good was about being “enough”. I had it in my mind that I would not be attractive enough until I weighed a certain weight. What I found when I got there was that I didn’t look much different. Sure, my love handles were smaller, but my losing 25 pounds wasn’t all that noticeable until I got into that swimsuit. That meant I didn’t look that bad before, it was all in my head. My issue is that I’m 5’9″ and have big hips and broad shoulders. I’m proportionate, but compared to other women I’m larger (super-sized!). My trainer at that lovely gym I was waiting for said I could lose another 15 pounds to be at the “ideal” weight for my height. However, I now realize that achieving that just means I start to focus on my sagging arms (I am 48) and the loose skin on my belly from having three kids. If that isn’t enough I’d have to lipo this that and the other thing and then I’d start looking like a freak from all the surgery. When does it end? When do I just accept myself as I am?

The goal with my ex-husband was a different goal. It wasn’t about me being enough, it was about being in alignment. I could feel that we did not belong together, but my stubbornness and my commitment to my family were more important to me. That isn’t a bad thing. Most people would commend someone for staying to provide a good environment for their kids. My ex and I didn’t fight, we were kind to each other until the end, so there was nothing really wrong with staying together for the concept of marriage. Except. . . (there is always an exception) I taught my kids that they should give up their happiness for security. As if we can’t actually have both and need to choose. I made that choice. I gave up being my true self to fit the role that I chose. Until I didn’t. Now I have the alignment I desired and the security I need. I can’t say I regret not leaving sooner, but it will be interesting to see how my kids perpetuate that decision in their lives. What will they give up in their lives because they think they can’t have two seemingly opposite desires?

The theme of my life now is authenticity. Not that I have been a glowing example of that. In fact, I could point out several examples in the last month or two where I have fallen flat on my face in manure, but I won’t because that isn’t the lesson. The lesson is that every time I have fallen short I have realized that it doesn’t pay to not be authentic. It hurts myself and others around me to pretend to be someone I’m not, to not tell the complete truth, or not just accept both the good and the seemingly bad together. I feel almost dirty and definitely depressed, and very, very unhappy when I chose not to be authentic and fully present. I read a book a long time ago called The Me I Want To Be (which was inspirational). However, I want to live the title The Me I Accept Myself To Be. I have, time and time again, over the last couple of months been reminded that I have a design. I chose this life. I am stuck in this body, for good or for bad. I have to be me to the fullest and most unapologetic way in order to actually live my purpose and have the people that belong in my life around me. To not be truly authentic is just hurting me and forcing me out of alignment.

So, I am not joining that gym. It is almost poetic that when I came to the conclusion that I am meant to be happy to just be me, wrinkles and love handles and all, the gym opens. The wait is over, but the prize is self-acceptance. I am finally free to be me.

Eclipse Season

2022.11.08

I woke up early this morning to try to see the lunar moon eclipse. At the peak of the eclipse the clouds were covering the moon so I was unable to glimpse it, but about an hour after the peak, it came out of the clouds and I was able to view it fully for a while. I don’t know if it is an energy thing or just my fascination with the moon but I am drawn to eclipses. I remember many years ago when my kids were young pulling them out on the front porch of our house in the middle of the night to see the beautiful full eclipse. The moon looked so round in the sky with its red hue. Although I see the moon regularly it looks more like a disk rather than a ball, but something about that night’s eclipse really accentuated the roundness of the ball in the sky and made it feel more profound.

Astrologers speak of the eclipse season as giving us opportunities to remove the unwanted and call in what we need in our lives. Currently, the eclipses are centered around Taurus/Scorpio so there is a lot involved in stability, money (ours and other people’s), and our shadow sides. Ever since the eclipse last May I have felt a strong pull toward being more authentically me. I have realized how I have not fully and completely accepted myself over the years and it is forefront in my consciousness that doing so is essential to the next steps in my life.

One way this has shown up for me is in discovering I am a Manifestor in Human Design and my INFJ in Myers-Briggs. In my marriage and being a parent, I conformed to my idea of what those roles should look like. I chose to make myself domestic and serve my family because I felt that it was my responsibility. Of course, being the best I could be as a wife and mother is honorable. However, I did so in a way that was not honoring to my own energy. Ironically Manifestors and INFJs have a lot in common. I did a poll on a Facebook page for Manifestor women and over 80% had NF in their function stacks. One, I don’t have consistent energy. So getting up every day and taking care of kids and putting my needs aside was extremely difficult and burned me out entirely. However, getting up and going to a job every day is very hard on my energy as well. I’m not sure there are a lot of options for people who are not a trust-fund babies to have difficulties in this world. Two, Manifestors and INFJs are not meant to fit in with the generator world. I spent far too much time trying to provide a life that was ordinary so my kids would fit in. In doing so I never felt like I belonged.

My commitment to myself for this eclipse season is to honor my own energy. I will no longer apologize for being unique and strong. I have had so many people comment to me that I am the rock in their life. I provide stability and depth. They look to me to set the example of how to live, so I need to just live authentically. Trying to conform around anyone or any “agenda” is not authentic at all. I set my intention this eclipse season to fully and completely accept myself as I am. I can’t really be anything else (well) so let’s give it a go!

Manifestor Mania

It’s been a few months since I learned about being a Manifestor. I belong to a few Facebook groups that are supportive of both Manifestors in general and women Manifestors specifically. However, beyond Facebook and a few scant YouTube videos, there is not really a lot of information about what it means to live a Manifestor life. It is almost like everyone who is not a Manifestor is reluctant to even speculate what we go through, or assume our lives are amazing. Those who are Manifestors cannot be bothered to recount their struggles.

In Human Design they talk about deconditioning. This is the process where when you learn about your type you then spend the next few years (up to 7) learning how to live according to your design. So, as a Manifestor who was surrounded by Manifesting Generators, I need to learn to follow my urges to initiate things as well as follow my inner authority and ignore pretty much everyone else. Do what I want, when I want without being told what to do by anyone, and apparently, I’ll be happy then, as long as I don’t mind being alone. As I look back on my teenage and college years, I did live a Manifestor life. I did what I wanted when I wanted (within the parental framework) and didn’t follow the advice of other people most of the time. It was a very lonely life. I usually had one friend at a time, never groups, and they would rotate out and be replaced fairly often. It wasn’t until halfway through college I made some guy friends that I then hung out with and enjoyed. I was with the guy I was to marry, so it was all plutonic, but it was great having my two best friends be men. After that, I started working full-time and, in retrospect, did my best to adopt a Generator lifestyle in order to fit in.

Fitting in wasn’t so successful. I found various groups, whether social or church groups, to belong to and made a concerted effort to blend in and make friends so I could feel a part of things. Not just for myself but for my family. Again, in retrospect, it never felt right. Human Design calls it the not-self. I really felt constantly out of place even though those around me accepted me. I made all kinds of efforts against my nature to pursue relationships with female friends that I didn’t really like so I could be accepted. They felt it, I felt it, and they interpreted that as me being fake. Which I guess I was. However, my desire to belong was so strong I was motivated to find a way to make it work. Until I didn’t. A point came when I was heavily involved in a homeschool group that I did finally achieve my “belongingness” and I was suddenly hit with such unhappiness. I realized that making such a strong effort to be a part of something that I didn’t feel good about belonging to was causing me a great deal of stress. We ended up moving states about that time, so I bowed out graciously. From that point forward I only made half effort at belonging in various places until I felt the desire which was rare and not consistent over time. I would belong for a while and then slowly my desire would fade and I’d move on to something else.

Now that I know about Human Design I am attempting to follow my urges and initiate when I want to. I haven’t really wanted to. I think part of it is astrology based in that my progressed Moon is in Scorpio (and I am fire/earth/air predominantly) so it feels like I’m slogging through quicksand mentally and physically. I’ve been tired and lazy for almost two years now. I also think it is recovery from pushing myself to take care of everyone and everything for so long as a wife and mother that after I left my ex-husband I just collapsed and need to not be responsible for anything for a while. I never imagined it would be two + years to recover, so I’m hoping I will feel better when my progressed Moon moves into Sagittarius in March 2023.

I am determined to follow my inner authority as a Manifestor. My concern is that means I will live a largely solitary life. My daughter is in high school, and with any luck, will be off doing her own thing with her own life in a few years. That means I will have no one in my home to be a part of my daily life unless I meet a new mate. Although it doesn’t scare me to be alone, it does feel very wrong to me. I have spent my whole life caring for other people to the detriment of my own sanity and health. While I have learned to take better care of myself, I don’t know how to not have someone else to care for. Life should be about interacting and caring for other people, shouldn’t it? It is healthy to want to have people around that you can support and be supported by, right? I’m not sure if that is entirely true for a Manifestor.

Here is the problem, to be true to our authority we cannot be told what to do. We cannot be asked to do things. We initiate what we want when we feel the urge to do so. Technically other types are supposed to respond to what we initiate. Theoretically, this would be beautiful if we like being a crazy tyrant who is authoritarian, but what about those of us sensitive types who really like people and don’t want to boss them around all the time? I’ve spent the last 30 years trying to stop being so bossy because people didn’t like me, only to realize that I don’t really like people. (#misanthropic altruist) In our society, being bossy isn’t really appreciated and, conversely, I don’t like having to tell people what to do all the time. Hence why it is largely believed that Manifestors should just stay on the fringe of society doing their own thing. Having a closed and protective aura makes this even more likely because most people can’t figure us out and therefore are not as apt to invite a Manifestor into their lives. As I have joined various hiking Meetup groups, when I meet ladies I’d like to be friends with they make little to no attempt to maintain a friendship, unless I initiate. Is it my protective aura or a natural inclination subconsciously that makes Generators just wait for me to do all the initiating? If I don’t push things forward, they don’t happen.

As a female Manifestor trying to date, how do I find a man that will let me initiate AND let me be the feminine energy in the relationship? Combine that with the Generator qualities that I’ve adopted and I think the men that I meet are really confused by me. They get the sense that I’m strong and confident, but I am also feminine and a caretaker so they really don’t know how to approach me or move forward if they are interested in me. However, I absolutely do not want a man who wants me to tell him what to do. Initiating should imply I have ideas and urges that I am meant to follow, not being bossy and in control. Perhaps in my younger years I took on bossy, and now that I’m more mature I can see being a Manifestor as more of a force, like the wind blowing through the lives of those around me.

I recall hearing Ra Uru Hu on the Manifestor Manifesto recording state that he felt really sorry for Manifestor women. I now get why. I hope to recount my journey here on deconditioning and hopefully, some other ladies new to Human Design will appreciate learning that the journey is worth it. I hope it is worth it in the end. I just hope that I will find peace but I will also find companionship and fulfillment.

INFJ!

When I was younger, and I’m not sure exactly when, I did a Myers-Briggs test to see what my type was. I came in as an ISTJ. It made sense to me at the time because I was analytical and not in touch with my feelings or intuition. However, as I got older and discovered the Enneagram and other personality typing I would look at my ISFJ and think that it represented me at work but not really in my personal life. I went to a career coach and told her I didn’t feel ISTJ fit me, and asked if I could grow and change over the years. She said the core type is the same all your life. Since it didn’t really fit me, I just discounted Myers-Briggs as a career determination rather than having accuracy in personality as a whole. As I was deep diving into Human Design I came across a YouTube video where the guy was adamant that most people are mistyped in Myers-Briggs and that there are strong correlations between Human Design and your Myers-Briggs type. He highly recommended retaking the test. So, I did. The results were INFJ.

Of course, we answer the questions based on where we are at in our lives so the best determinate is to really dig into the typing and see if it still fits. I had never heard of the function stacks of the profiles until I started deep diving. . However, as I have been researching the depth of INFJ I feel it resonates with me perfectly. Like Human Design, seeing myself in the results so clearly is like cleaning mud-stained windows and seeing the world clearly again. Oddly, learning I am INFJ explained why I struggle to understand myself and why it has been my mission in the last 20 years to figure myself out.

Does it seem odd that I typed as an ISTJ first? Not if you dig into INFJ. Growing up, my home life was very chaotic. I was a very sensitive child and being a Human Design Manifestor I was very independent and not in need of other people like my mother. My mother is an extrovert, possibly an ENFP. However, she was very emotionally volatile and explosive. My brother is also an extrovert, possibly ESTP, and very insensitive and blunt in his words. My father is an introvert, but lacking in empathy and is likely an ISTP. So, I was surrounded by people who were in my space, criticizing me and not being careful with my sensitive nature. I had to shut off my feeling and intuitive sides in order to cope with life. Combine that with being shut out by most of my peers in school due to my closed and repelling Manifestor aura, and I learned not to trust people and fall deeply into my imagination. I used my Introverted Thinking and Extraverted Sensing to get through my early life. Facts and logic became trusted because people couldn’t tell me I’m wrong. Feelings are subjective and personal and other people don’t trust them so I didn’t either.

I have had the privilege of going through a class with Lauren Sapala to embrace my INFJ qualities. One of the most important discoveries is the strong feminine qualities of an NF person. So, all my worries about having to embrace a more masculine energy from being a Manifestor are gone. I can camp right in the 50/50 position of being balanced in my masculine/feminine qualities. I can be logical, practical and emotional, intuitive. I love that I don’t have to give up any of my strengths. INFJ is by definition very deep and analytical and tends to be the most extroverted introvert in the Myers-Briggs world. INFJs love understanding people and love anything taboo, like mysticism and the human psyche. They tend to be very comfortable with death and the dark side of things. They also tend to be extremely accepting of people because they delight in understanding all that makes people unique. I have found my people!!

July 29, 2022

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

That phrase usually means that something bad happened after you wished for something good. Not this time. It is interesting how life can meander and go in completely different directions than we anticipate. Learning about Human Design has been a huge eye-opener for me. It explains so much of my life and the difficulties that I had as a child. As I am coming to terms with the reality of having a closed and repelling aura being that I am a Manifestor, I am having so many “a-ha” moments. All this knowledge likely stems from going to the Joe Dispenza conference in Denver in May. As part of our meditations, we were supposed to have a goal in our minds to meditate on and mine was to clear any blocks I may be having to fulfill my life purpose. Learning about Human Design is like finding the hidden door in the attic to a bunch of treasures you didn’t know about but were actually there all the time.

When I was a child I felt very much alone. In my family, I felt unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. This is an extremely common complaint of Manifestor children and I’m realizing that the closed aura makes it very difficult for family and friends to predict what the mani-child is thinking or what they will do next. I was listening to a YouTube interview of a Manifestor (from London) and she said the best way to describe it is that when we walk into the room people cannot tell if we want to sit and have a cup of tea or we want to kill them. Let that sink in. People can’t read if we hate them, love them, want to kill them or are delighted with them by our expressions because our aura hides everything and people sense there is more going on underneath than they can understand so they make their own assumptions. As an insecure, awkward child people would just avoid me. Other children would get uncomfortable around me and not want to play with me. A closed aura makes people uncomfortable. Knowing this is profound because now I can forgive everyone who rejected me because they had no idea who I was or what was going on with me so they could not see my innocence or my compassion and good nature because I was shy and quiet. On a positive note, I was not really bullied. That was likely because people didn’t know what I was capable of and didn’t want to make the mistake of finding out.

Another “a-ha” moment for me was realizing why I draw people who are prone to projection. The people I have felt unseen by are the ones who tend to see other people as movie screens playing out whatever is going on inside them. For example, my mother would tell me what I was thinking and feeling (instead of asking me) based on how she was thinking and feeling. It made me so angry that she never understood me and gaslighted me constantly into mirroring back to her what was untrue for me. However, as a protection mechanism, I refused to tell her what I was thinking and feeling so she couldn’t turn it against me or shame me for the differences between us. She was then left with nothing to go on except her own feelings and it then reinforced her delusion that I was a mirror of her rather than being entirely different. If we look at the universe as providing lessons in life, I was given this kind of mother to force me to be more open and honest with other people. I was just stubborn and refused to learn it sooner.

As for friends and romantic partners, I have always been frustrated that I end up with people who don’t seem to care what I think or how I feel. Now that I have a clear understanding of how I show up, I realize that people who want intimacy and true connection cannot tell up front if that is something I can deliver. Being that I was unhealthy and not self-aware in my early years, I repelled the people that could have been there for me because I wouldn’t open up and let them in (by informing them of my thoughts and feelings). The ones that were left were the ones that are so wrapped up in themselves that they really just needed someone to be there to confirm their own thoughts and feelings. Because I didn’t learn the lesson from my mother I was given my ex-husband, a Manifesting-Generator. He also was not open or revealing about his thoughts and feelings but he has something of black-hole energy in that he is so inwardly focused that he draws sympathy from others. He gives the impression that he wears his heart on his sleeve and is in touch with his emotions, even though he cannot actually express them. Everyone in his life feels compelled to take care of him because of his ultra-sensitivity, like a wounded puppy. It was perfect for me because neither of us made the other one uncomfortable and we went our entire marriage without really knowing what the other one was thinking or feeling. We both projected on the other one and never contradicted each other outwardly. It wasn’t until I became more self-aware and started expressing my feelings and trying to understand him that I realized how far apart we really were!

Fortunately, I have very different relationships with my children than my mother or ex-husband. I learned when my kids were little that if I informed them of my plans, my thoughts, and my expectations up front things went more smoothly. Being that I homeschooled my kids, I spent a lot of time sharing my thoughts, feelings, and opinions as a means of educating them. My love language is physical touch so they got lots of hugs and kisses, and I intuitively was able to verbally affirm my love and support for them. Some children of Manifestor mothers struggle to feel loved by them because of their closed aura, which is heartbreaking.

So, thank you Joe Dispenza! The result of my weekend retreat is that I now know that I need to be more forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis to have the relationships I want and ease the path toward my purpose. I will also be able to test people for their ability to not project on me and actually show interest when I inform them of my thoughts and feelings. It is interesting because I have no reservations now in telling people anything they want to know about me and am a very open person. However, I have been waiting for them to ask. Them asking equates to initiating in the Human Design world and everyone except Manifestors are not meant to initiate. It hurt my feelings that they didn’t initiate but now I can inform them that I am open and ready to divulge information and it will open the door to better communication and deeper intimacy with those around me. I am still seeking my ultimate purpose in a practical sense, but in a grand scheme, it is to be 100% true to myself and my own energies and initiate when the urge to do so hits me. It will be an adventure!

July 20, 2022

I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED

As I have been wrestling over the direction my life should take, I have been juggling the various areas of interest in my mind like flaming bowling ball pins. I have spent my career life in business, helping businesses and counseling people on tracking their finances for their business. However, it is not my passion or my gift. My gift is in merging all that exists up in the world of thought into the reality of what that means on a day to day basis. Whether it be how to track inventory or how to understand the wonders of the Universe, it doesn’t matter if you can’t actually do something with it in the here and now.

I am not an optimist or a pessimist. Both have their innate issues. An optimist tends to ignore the possibility for failure in the effort to make their dreams come true. A pessimist tends to refuse to look for possibilities because of all the reasons things can go wrong. Truth lies in the middle. We must look at all the possibilities and then forecast where things can go wrong so we can actually make things happen working towards our goals. That is the sweet spot of the realist. That is where I want to live and breathe and help others in their journey.

In my meditations I have been asking Spirit to guide me toward something to focus on. After some reflection, it hit me that I have this website and a ton of information that I can post to help people with content they are interested in. Whether it be spiritual reflections, astrology, Human Design, or general mysticism I have a lot of resources that I can provide people. I have everything I need to reach out into the world and help people pull down their lofty general notions and figure out how to make it real in their life. Being that I am who I am, I cannot promise daily content or even consistent areas of focus but I can use this platform to document what I have learned/am learning.

I have spent the last year + learning astrology. I have gone through more than one course to learn how to read charts and have a lot of books to assist me, but I have not wanted to offer myself for readings because I don’t feel I am an expert yet. It occurred to me that only in actually doing readings will I become an expert. I have been on FB in some astrology groups where I have contributed some useful insight into people’s charts to offer my guidance and it has been very encouraging that although I may miss some things I do know enough to be helpful. It is my intention to use my astrology knowledge as a springboard to helping people in their spiritual lives. People come to astrology and other tools to understand themselves and their purpose. It ends up being a very deep and personal journey that is ultimately spiritual in nature. When we learn how to understand ourselves we also learn how to understand others and everyone’s place in the world. When we learn to understand others we see that we are all connected. When we see we are all connected we see that their is something connecting us all – a higher power. Spirit. Once we see that there is a bigger picture it opens so many doors to discovery. I hope to be a guide to opening doors.

I have everything I need. I am everything I need. However, life is about inclusion. I cannot exist on my own and sustain myself. We were created to connect, to nourish others, to live in community. Being part of the whole means getting involved in the whole. I am ready to connect.

July 14, 2022

Masculine or Feminine? That is the question.

I was out on my balcony this morning drinking my coffee and enjoying the cool air before the temperatures get into the 90s today. I have trees surrounding my third floor balcony that overlooks a courtyard at my complex. There are always squirrels or birds that like to play on the branches and I really enjoy watching them. This morning there were two squirrels on one of the trees. One was actively chasing the other one around. It became clear that one was male and was wanting to procreate with the female. She would stop for a bit and he would get close to her. She would run off and stop, wait for him to get close again and then run off. He seemed playful at first but after some time he got impatient and made it clear her running away was no longer an option. They looked like they were wrestling the way they were rolling around with her trying to get away, but it wasn’t angry or violent. It was foreplay.

Not to say that I have a deep interest in the mating habits of squirrels, but I do have a deep interest in what it means to be masculine vs. feminine. I spent my younger years warding off the feminine because I saw my mother display it so poorly. She loves to play the victim and “help me” feminine side but then becomes manipulative and controlling with it rather than truly appreciating the help she receives. I was so angry and resentful of her “feminine” behavior that I swore I would never be like that. I didn’t realize at my young age that she was exhibiting a very unhealthy behavior and that true femininity is nothing like that.

I recently was messaged through an online dating sight by a man who was interested in my comments on my being in touch with my feminine. He, apparently, is currently reading a book on healthy masculinity and was intrigued. We had a lovely conversation and it has me thinking a lot more about what I actually am and want to be. It is a feminine woman’s desire to be pursued. I think the unhealthy side has produced all the extreme push to look good to a man so a woman can be desired sexually. It absolutely makes a woman feel good to know that a man desires her, but healthy relationships are about being desired for all aspects not just physical ones.

It seems that most of the world today has blurred lines as to what is the correct roles people are to play. Of course, a man is more than welcome to take the feminine role and allow a woman to pursue him. The problem is when a man wants to lead or doesn’t provide the sensuality in a relationship if he is the feminine. Men who want to be chased and then still want to call the shots in the relationship will be met with resistance. You have to pick one role or the other, you really cannot have both. Just like a woman who is masculine cannot be aggressive and lead with her man and then expect him to step up and take responsibility. That was my mistake. Because I was feminine-averse in my younger years I made decisions and took the lead, but when my passive husband refused to engage it frustrated me. I chose the role, but didn’t realize the consequences.

As I have spent the last five years learning about healthy femininity I realize the power they have. I always thought the feminine was the weak one. That is only unhealthy femininity. As I watched the squirrels I saw that she had personal power. She went where she wanted, she wandered off in any direction she chose. He made the choice to follow her or not, but it was an active action not a passive one. She stopped and he made his move, then she ran off only to have him chase her some more. He was focused on his determination to have his way with her and kept pursuing but in finally “getting caught” it was clearly her decision to allow it. In dating, the feminine is the prize. The masculine wants something and sees the one he/she wants to acquire. This can be for lots of reasons other than physical pleasure, but it is a desire to acquire either way. In any case, the masculine does not want something that is easy to acquire. The fun is in the chase. They want a feminine to play with them and make it interesting even if they both know where it is going in the end.

I had dinner with my oldest son. He is a masculine guy, although in touch with his feminine side. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and someone at work was interested. She played the masculine role and pursued him vigorously. He has been spending time with her but admitted that he had no real interest in her because she has been the lead in the relationship. He is playing along because he wants the distraction from his recent breakup but the reality is that regardless of the condition of his readiness for a new relationship he would not be attracted to this new girl because she has been so relentless in pursing him. He has the self-awareness to know that if it is too easy for him to obtain (aka it falls in his lap and won’t leave) he doesn’t appreciate it and will get rid of it when it is no longer convenient.

As I am looking to date, I am going to do my best to cultivate my feminine side. I mentioned that it is a struggle because being a Manifestor (HD) I am innately masculine energy through my need and ability to initiate things. However, I want to try to take the feminine role – and be true to it, to see how it feels to me. I will need someone who is very in touch with their feminine side and self-aware. I will still not like to be controlled, because of my Manifestor nature, but I do not like to control and I don’t want to lead in my romantic relationships. Perhaps I will find that I cannot energetically feel attracted to a strongly masculine man. However, I have acquired the desire to be chased. Like the squirrel, there is power in being chased and choosing to get caught and I would like to know what that feels like to feel desired on that level.

July 8, 2022

Are goals necessary?

I’ve lived my life thinking that I have to have goals. I have always been driven by the “next thing” to do or aspect of myself to work on to be a more perfect well-rounded person. In the course of my life every time I strive for more perfection I am faced with the reality that I can never obtain it. There are far too many areas in life that I cannot focus on and once I stop focusing on an area a lot of the skills and mastery I’ve obtained slip away.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit of anxiety in that I have nothing on my goal list. I mentioned before that I encountered a mid-life crisis at 45 because of this realization that I didn’t have dreams past my kids growing up. Before, I would get a nagging sensation that I needed to do something, sometimes anything, to alleviate this need for movement and change. As I look at Human Design I have the Channel of Transitoriness (35-36 gates) that is a force for change. The quote from the book I have is “This is an emotional Manifesting channel that defies logic’s caution and restrictive patterns. It will try anything and everything, whether of intrinsic value or not, to get things moving in the direction of a new experience.” This means I am good with change but it also means I can create a crisis where there doesn’t need to be just to feel the experiences it entails.

I am a member of MindValley. It is an awesome resource for a multitude of subjects and I have been a member off and on since 2014. I attribute a lot of my growth, especially spiritually, to MindValley’s quests. I am working through several right now, and the recurring theme of them all is to clear my mind and lean into my intuition and spirit to guide me rather than to allow my mind to control things. The mind is not looking out for our best interests most of the time. What if I could just allow life to unfold like watching a movie? What if I could stop creating crises and call in the experiences that will bring me to my fullest potential and life purpose? This is a foreign thought to me. Being a Manifestor I have always pushed the stream and now that I know about being a Manifestor it seems like I have permission to push the stream. Yet, I have to trust that everything that has happened to bring me to this point in my life is not for nothing. Everything happens for a reason, right? I have learned from my astrology chart that I am to surrender to life, not be in the limelight. This life is about my subconscious development, not my conscious fulfillment.

It is my intention to try an experiment. For the next six months, through the end of 2022, I am not going to push anything other than my learning. I will meditate daily and journal about my desire to allow the universe to bring to my attention the things that I am to involve myself in and take part in initiating. I allow myself to completely surrender to what my guides direct me toward and develop my intuition to look for the synchronicities that bring opportunities my way. I will do my best not to push or pull unless I feel the Manifestor urge (a very specific feeling) rather than just nervousness or impatience. What will I be able to look back on at New Year’s and see as the result?

As I contemplate this, I feel at peace. Before, the thought of not having anything to strive for felt like death. I would look at disdain people who just lived purposeless lives going to work, watching TV, going to bed, and starting all over again. Today, the thought of just being rather than having the pressure of accomplishing brings me hope. My whole life I have felt like I had to be useful and do something to find worth. Never, have I ever, felt that I am worthy just for being. I am filled with gratitude for this moment that I am feeling that I am enough. The feeling may pass. I may forget and go back to my old routines, but it gives me hope that this feeling can exist within me and I look forward to being able to come back to it as I practice allowing it.