BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
That phrase usually means that something bad happened after you wished for something good. Not this time. It is interesting how life can meander and go in completely different directions than we anticipate. Learning about Human Design has been a huge eye-opener for me. It explains so much of my life and the difficulties that I had as a child. As I am coming to terms with the reality of having a closed and repelling aura being that I am a Manifestor, I am having so many “a-ha” moments. All this knowledge likely stems from going to the Joe Dispenza conference in Denver in May. As part of our meditations, we were supposed to have a goal in our minds to meditate on and mine was to clear any blocks I may be having to fulfill my life purpose. Learning about Human Design is like finding the hidden door in the attic to a bunch of treasures you didn’t know about but were actually there all the time.
When I was a child I felt very much alone. In my family, I felt unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. This is an extremely common complaint of Manifestor children and I’m realizing that the closed aura makes it very difficult for family and friends to predict what the mani-child is thinking or what they will do next. I was listening to a YouTube interview of a Manifestor (from London) and she said the best way to describe it is that when we walk into the room people cannot tell if we want to sit and have a cup of tea or we want to kill them. Let that sink in. People can’t read if we hate them, love them, want to kill them or are delighted with them by our expressions because our aura hides everything and people sense there is more going on underneath than they can understand so they make their own assumptions. As an insecure, awkward child people would just avoid me. Other children would get uncomfortable around me and not want to play with me. A closed aura makes people uncomfortable. Knowing this is profound because now I can forgive everyone who rejected me because they had no idea who I was or what was going on with me so they could not see my innocence or my compassion and good nature because I was shy and quiet. On a positive note, I was not really bullied. That was likely because people didn’t know what I was capable of and didn’t want to make the mistake of finding out.
Another “a-ha” moment for me was realizing why I draw people who are prone to projection. The people I have felt unseen by are the ones who tend to see other people as movie screens playing out whatever is going on inside them. For example, my mother would tell me what I was thinking and feeling (instead of asking me) based on how she was thinking and feeling. It made me so angry that she never understood me and gaslighted me constantly into mirroring back to her what was untrue for me. However, as a protection mechanism, I refused to tell her what I was thinking and feeling so she couldn’t turn it against me or shame me for the differences between us. She was then left with nothing to go on except her own feelings and it then reinforced her delusion that I was a mirror of her rather than being entirely different. If we look at the universe as providing lessons in life, I was given this kind of mother to force me to be more open and honest with other people. I was just stubborn and refused to learn it sooner.
As for friends and romantic partners, I have always been frustrated that I end up with people who don’t seem to care what I think or how I feel. Now that I have a clear understanding of how I show up, I realize that people who want intimacy and true connection cannot tell up front if that is something I can deliver. Being that I was unhealthy and not self-aware in my early years, I repelled the people that could have been there for me because I wouldn’t open up and let them in (by informing them of my thoughts and feelings). The ones that were left were the ones that are so wrapped up in themselves that they really just needed someone to be there to confirm their own thoughts and feelings. Because I didn’t learn the lesson from my mother I was given my ex-husband, a Manifesting-Generator. He also was not open or revealing about his thoughts and feelings but he has something of black-hole energy in that he is so inwardly focused that he draws sympathy from others. He gives the impression that he wears his heart on his sleeve and is in touch with his emotions, even though he cannot actually express them. Everyone in his life feels compelled to take care of him because of his ultra-sensitivity, like a wounded puppy. It was perfect for me because neither of us made the other one uncomfortable and we went our entire marriage without really knowing what the other one was thinking or feeling. We both projected on the other one and never contradicted each other outwardly. It wasn’t until I became more self-aware and started expressing my feelings and trying to understand him that I realized how far apart we really were!
Fortunately, I have very different relationships with my children than my mother or ex-husband. I learned when my kids were little that if I informed them of my plans, my thoughts, and my expectations up front things went more smoothly. Being that I homeschooled my kids, I spent a lot of time sharing my thoughts, feelings, and opinions as a means of educating them. My love language is physical touch so they got lots of hugs and kisses, and I intuitively was able to verbally affirm my love and support for them. Some children of Manifestor mothers struggle to feel loved by them because of their closed aura, which is heartbreaking.
So, thank you Joe Dispenza! The result of my weekend retreat is that I now know that I need to be more forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis to have the relationships I want and ease the path toward my purpose. I will also be able to test people for their ability to not project on me and actually show interest when I inform them of my thoughts and feelings. It is interesting because I have no reservations now in telling people anything they want to know about me and am a very open person. However, I have been waiting for them to ask. Them asking equates to initiating in the Human Design world and everyone except Manifestors are not meant to initiate. It hurt my feelings that they didn’t initiate but now I can inform them that I am open and ready to divulge information and it will open the door to better communication and deeper intimacy with those around me. I am still seeking my ultimate purpose in a practical sense, but in a grand scheme, it is to be 100% true to myself and my own energies and initiate when the urge to do so hits me. It will be an adventure!