July 14, 2022

Masculine or Feminine? That is the question.

I was out on my balcony this morning drinking my coffee and enjoying the cool air before the temperatures get into the 90s today. I have trees surrounding my third floor balcony that overlooks a courtyard at my complex. There are always squirrels or birds that like to play on the branches and I really enjoy watching them. This morning there were two squirrels on one of the trees. One was actively chasing the other one around. It became clear that one was male and was wanting to procreate with the female. She would stop for a bit and he would get close to her. She would run off and stop, wait for him to get close again and then run off. He seemed playful at first but after some time he got impatient and made it clear her running away was no longer an option. They looked like they were wrestling the way they were rolling around with her trying to get away, but it wasn’t angry or violent. It was foreplay.

Not to say that I have a deep interest in the mating habits of squirrels, but I do have a deep interest in what it means to be masculine vs. feminine. I spent my younger years warding off the feminine because I saw my mother display it so poorly. She loves to play the victim and “help me” feminine side but then becomes manipulative and controlling with it rather than truly appreciating the help she receives. I was so angry and resentful of her “feminine” behavior that I swore I would never be like that. I didn’t realize at my young age that she was exhibiting a very unhealthy behavior and that true femininity is nothing like that.

I recently was messaged through an online dating sight by a man who was interested in my comments on my being in touch with my feminine. He, apparently, is currently reading a book on healthy masculinity and was intrigued. We had a lovely conversation and it has me thinking a lot more about what I actually am and want to be. It is a feminine woman’s desire to be pursued. I think the unhealthy side has produced all the extreme push to look good to a man so a woman can be desired sexually. It absolutely makes a woman feel good to know that a man desires her, but healthy relationships are about being desired for all aspects not just physical ones.

It seems that most of the world today has blurred lines as to what is the correct roles people are to play. Of course, a man is more than welcome to take the feminine role and allow a woman to pursue him. The problem is when a man wants to lead or doesn’t provide the sensuality in a relationship if he is the feminine. Men who want to be chased and then still want to call the shots in the relationship will be met with resistance. You have to pick one role or the other, you really cannot have both. Just like a woman who is masculine cannot be aggressive and lead with her man and then expect him to step up and take responsibility. That was my mistake. Because I was feminine-averse in my younger years I made decisions and took the lead, but when my passive husband refused to engage it frustrated me. I chose the role, but didn’t realize the consequences.

As I have spent the last five years learning about healthy femininity I realize the power they have. I always thought the feminine was the weak one. That is only unhealthy femininity. As I watched the squirrels I saw that she had personal power. She went where she wanted, she wandered off in any direction she chose. He made the choice to follow her or not, but it was an active action not a passive one. She stopped and he made his move, then she ran off only to have him chase her some more. He was focused on his determination to have his way with her and kept pursuing but in finally “getting caught” it was clearly her decision to allow it. In dating, the feminine is the prize. The masculine wants something and sees the one he/she wants to acquire. This can be for lots of reasons other than physical pleasure, but it is a desire to acquire either way. In any case, the masculine does not want something that is easy to acquire. The fun is in the chase. They want a feminine to play with them and make it interesting even if they both know where it is going in the end.

I had dinner with my oldest son. He is a masculine guy, although in touch with his feminine side. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and someone at work was interested. She played the masculine role and pursued him vigorously. He has been spending time with her but admitted that he had no real interest in her because she has been the lead in the relationship. He is playing along because he wants the distraction from his recent breakup but the reality is that regardless of the condition of his readiness for a new relationship he would not be attracted to this new girl because she has been so relentless in pursing him. He has the self-awareness to know that if it is too easy for him to obtain (aka it falls in his lap and won’t leave) he doesn’t appreciate it and will get rid of it when it is no longer convenient.

As I am looking to date, I am going to do my best to cultivate my feminine side. I mentioned that it is a struggle because being a Manifestor (HD) I am innately masculine energy through my need and ability to initiate things. However, I want to try to take the feminine role – and be true to it, to see how it feels to me. I will need someone who is very in touch with their feminine side and self-aware. I will still not like to be controlled, because of my Manifestor nature, but I do not like to control and I don’t want to lead in my romantic relationships. Perhaps I will find that I cannot energetically feel attracted to a strongly masculine man. However, I have acquired the desire to be chased. Like the squirrel, there is power in being chased and choosing to get caught and I would like to know what that feels like to feel desired on that level.

July 8, 2022

Are goals necessary?

I’ve lived my life thinking that I have to have goals. I have always been driven by the “next thing” to do or aspect of myself to work on to be a more perfect well-rounded person. In the course of my life every time I strive for more perfection I am faced with the reality that I can never obtain it. There are far too many areas in life that I cannot focus on and once I stop focusing on an area a lot of the skills and mastery I’ve obtained slip away.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit of anxiety in that I have nothing on my goal list. I mentioned before that I encountered a mid-life crisis at 45 because of this realization that I didn’t have dreams past my kids growing up. Before, I would get a nagging sensation that I needed to do something, sometimes anything, to alleviate this need for movement and change. As I look at Human Design I have the Channel of Transitoriness (35-36 gates) that is a force for change. The quote from the book I have is “This is an emotional Manifesting channel that defies logic’s caution and restrictive patterns. It will try anything and everything, whether of intrinsic value or not, to get things moving in the direction of a new experience.” This means I am good with change but it also means I can create a crisis where there doesn’t need to be just to feel the experiences it entails.

I am a member of MindValley. It is an awesome resource for a multitude of subjects and I have been a member off and on since 2014. I attribute a lot of my growth, especially spiritually, to MindValley’s quests. I am working through several right now, and the recurring theme of them all is to clear my mind and lean into my intuition to guide me rather than to allow my mind to control things. The mind is not looking out for our best interests most of the time. What if I could just allow life to unfold like watching a movie? What if I could stop creating crises and call in the experiences that will bring me to my fullest potential and life purpose? This is a foreign thought to me. Being a Manifestor I have always pushed the stream and now that I know about being a Manifestor it seems like I have permission to push the stream. Yet, I have to trust that everything that has happened to bring me to this point in my life is not for nothing. Everything happens for a reason, right? I have learned from my astrology chart that I am to surrender to life, not be in the limelight. This life is about my subconscious development, not my conscious fulfillment.

It is my intention to try an experiment. For the next six months, through the end of 2022, I am not going to push anything other than my learning. I will meditate daily and journal about my desire to allow the universe to bring to my attention the things that I am to involve myself in and take part in initiating. I allow myself to completely surrender to what my guides direct me toward and develop my intuition to look for the synchronicities that bring opportunities my way. I will do my best not to push or pull unless I feel the Manifestor urge (a very specific feeling) rather than just nervousness or impatience. What will I be able to look back on at New Year’s and see as the result?

As I contemplate this, I feel at peace. Before, the thought of not having anything to strive for felt like death. I would look at disdain people who just lived purposeless lives going to work, watching TV, going to bed, and starting all over again. Today, the thought of just being rather than having the pressure of accomplishing brings me hope. My whole life I have felt like I had to be useful and do something to find worth. Never, have I ever, felt that I am worthy just for being. I am filled with gratitude for this moment that I am feeling that I am enough. The feeling may pass. I may forget and go back to my old routines, but it gives me hope that this feeling can exist within me and I look forward to being able to come back to it as I practice allowing it.

July 5, 2022


Something that has been on my mind for a while is that at this stage of my life other than meeting a life partner that fits who I am now I have accomplished most of what I wanted in my life.

  1. I was driven to get a degree and a career so I could support myself financially
  2. I knew I had to have children; which allowed me to deal with my family issues and learn boundaries (HD Gate 37)
  3. I was able to deep-dive into religion to sort out my beliefs (HD Gate 9 & 11)
  4. I homeschooled my children to make learning and growth the focal point of my home (Sag in 4th house stellium)
  5. I was a part of, and included in, community through church and homeschool (Gate 37)
  6. I resolved my shadow issues through deep dives into psychology and human behavior (Gate 36)
  7. I was able to break free of the bonds to my ex-husband (Akashic/karmic bonds from a previous life)
  8. I now live in a home that is like a sanctuary, working a job that is financially stable and living a stress-free life able to pursue whatever topic I want to learn about. (Gate 58)

When I turned 45 I went through a mid-life crisis, which prompted my leaving my ex-husband. I blogged about that separately, but the main takeaway was that all my dreams and goals really ended with my kids getting older. I didn’t have any goals that went past getting a divorce and finding a better life partner. It scared me. Fast forward two years and I have done my best to live a peaceful life and situate myself so that I would be who I needed to be to welcome a new life partner. I was feeling like I was ready. However, with the discovery of my Human Design nature and that I am forced to be a Yang/masculine energy woman whether I like it or now, it is causing me to again have a crisis of being. I was fooling myself as to what my life partner would be like and how I would show up.

After my mediation this morning I felt drawn to my Thoth Tarot cards. I am not an expert on Tarot, but I have found Alister Crowley’s Thoth cards to be beautiful and inspiring. Here is the spread:


Defeat – “We do not suffer because of a desire to do so, but rather need suffering and defeat as a necessary experience in order to grow by overcoming it. The desire for knowledge is the wish for redemption. Crowley sees this card as the consequences of an attitude that has been too peaceful, whereby the defeat is the price of an exaggerated avoidance of conflicts.”

It isn’t hard to look back and see that I have had an exaggerated avoidance of conflict in my life. I have a strong desire for peace, which is written all over every profile I have ever taken for personality typing. I hope this doesn’t mean that I have to embrace conflict, but I also hope it means that I can be more open to disagreeing with people and stating what I need and want and accept it if the other person is not in alignment not feeling any stress over it. I do feel this card symbolizes that I need to lay to rest my old patterns and what I thought wanted for my life and look for something that may feel uncomfortable but be better for me.

The Devil – “On the level of consciousness, this card shows that we come into contact with our dark side. These are the experiences in which we become aware of our unfreedom and dependency.”

I have been through dark nights of the soul in the past and it resonates with me that I need to go through another one. I need to die to my image of how I show up in the world. I have spent so much time conforming to a Generator world and as a Manifestor, I cannot be effective doing it that way. I have lost sight of my true self and have not relied on my Inner Authority. It will be a difficult and painful process of holding to my kindness and compassion but letting go of my need to please and not ruffle the feathers of those around me. As one Facebook post indicated, I am the conductor of a train. I move forward, I have a destination, I have a purpose that is on rails. Those around me can choose to purchase a ticket and join me or they can stay out of my way, but the train barrels on regardless. I need to find those willing to join me, not seek those I can join. I am not a passenger. That is a really difficult change of thinking for me and it will force me to get back in touch with the strong opinions that I have buried to get along with everyone.

The Universe – “From a psychological perspective, the Universe personifies the waking consciousness and the self-regulating power of the creative self. This allows us to act socially within the surroundings of our community, and process emotionally the creative contractions of eternal transformation.”

This is a relief after the Devil card. At least the darkness I will go through to find my true self will wake my consciousness and allow my creativity to surface. I do desire to find a community that will benefit from my experience and as a Line 6 in my HD Profile, I am destined to be a Role Model. This confirms that the work will result in benefits to others. Here is a quote from Carl Jung under The Universe:

“To experience the Self means that we are always conscious of our own identity. We then know that we can never be anything other than our Self, that we will never lose our Self, and that we can never be estranged from our Self. This is so because we realize that the Self is indestructible, that it is always one and the same, that it cannot be dissolved or exchanged for something else. The Self enables us to remain the same under all circumstances of our life.” AMEN!

July 3, 2022

Half a year down, and I can’t help but wonder what 2022 will be remembered for. 2020 was the year I left my husband. 2021 was a year of deep contemplation and rest where I started diving into astrology and feeling like I am in a cocoon. I recently discovered Human Design which I posted about. I relayed that I discovered I was a Manifestor, which is fairly rare. It is really rocking my world and I want to dedicate posts this year to what that actually means to me and how to live authentically.

Another aspect of Human Design is the “Profile”. Each person has marked profiles associated with their body graph based on their birth chart which is regarded as a basic character pattern that frames a person’s life. It indicates their purpose in life. On an HD chart, there is the personality side (the side you are aware of) and the design side (the side you are typically unaware of but should integrate as you mature). The numbers of the profile are Personality/Design based on the I-Ching of your Sun. There is a lot to it. I only mention it now because of what it means to me as a Manifestor.

I am a 4/6. The 6 in Human Design profiles means that their life is split into 3 categories. The first 28 years (prior to the Saturn Return) are dedicated to exploration. This is basically acquiring all the experiences possible and is directed to do in order to build knowledge of the world. From 28-50 years of age (or the Chiron return), the person will be what is called “on the roof”. This is a period of time where it is less about acquiring and more about observing the experiences of others. They learn to see things as they really are, rather than the idealism of the first stage. That isn’t to say they aren’t acquiring experiences, but the overall knowledge is less personal and more universal. I recently learned that there are stages within this period as well where one is slowly removed from feeling a part of things and moves toward a cocooning phase at the end of the stage. This is where I feel I am now. Once the Chiron return hits, the person is moved off the roof and becomes a role model. The keywords here are “moved off” as in “not by choice”. The person is no longer allowed to remain aloof but gets in the trenches and is involved in other people’s lives again.

My Saturn return occurred at age 29, ending Stage 1. Prior to that time, I felt propelled internally by everything and didn’t really think twice about it. I did what I wanted to do and the people in my life may have put up a fuss, but typically got out of my way. I can say a lot of things about my ex-husband now, but during that stage of my life, he was perfect for me. He went along and supported me to be in charge and do what I wanted. I, of course, did things that he was on board with and we felt like a team because he let me lead and I considered his feelings on what we were doing. However, my 2nd son was born just prior to that and I can pinpoint the downfall of our marriage to starting at that time. I now see I changed at that time, which opened the door to my dissatisfaction with myself, life, and my marriage.

Stage 2, I can see now, began the journey of me questioning myself and who I was and how I “should” show up in the world. I was never much of a joiner prior to this stage. I felt on the outside of most groups except for in college. I didn’t conform to others’ expectations or try to fit in (although I felt bad about not fitting in). It wasn’t because of confidence, I just simply didn’t know how to fit in. Stage 2 is when I got involved at church, women’s ministry, and eventually homeschooling where I ignored my Manifestor qualities and started doing everything in my power to adopt Generator qualities so people would like me. I discovered the 4-quadrant personality typing and started really researching what it was about me that people just didn’t like. I knew it was something, but I really didn’t understand it. Over time, I realized I was blunt and bold and people took that to mean bossy and controlling even though I wasn’t desiring to control them. Generators like conformity. They don’t mind leadership but something about Generators really feel ruffled by Manifestors. I spent several years experiencing what it meant to be included and live like a Generator and it was fulfilling for a while to fit in and feel respected by my peers. However, it completely messed me up on being authentic and I felt it.

Some of the ways trying to be a Generator messed me up was in my marriage. Well-meaning friends in the Christian community saw that I was the “leader” in my marriage and shamed me. They made me feel like I was not obeying God’s commands by taking charge. I spent a lot of years trying to get my husband to step up and lead, which is a role he didn’t sign up for and didn’t want. It wasn’t all in Christian communities either. After I left the church and started my journey into different religions I was a part of an amazing community that introduced me to Pat Allen’s “Getting To I Do” book about feminine and masculine dynamics. I highly recommend the book, but as I was reading it I saw that all the character qualities of a feminine man were not what I wanted (which my ex-husband embodies beautifully!) That meant that in order to be with a masculine man, I would have to be more feminine. I have spent the last 5 years of my life trying to adopt a more feminine, receptive lifestyle. That definitely ended my marriage, not that I regret that. He has no interest in anything spiritual or personal growth, along with some other character qualities I can no longer align myself with so it was part of my journey to disconnect from him. However, as I am in the process of dating and understanding how I need to show up in relationships I realize that although my having softer, more feminine qualities are beneficial it may conflict with being a Manifestor. I need to find the balance between what I want and who I am.

So, starting today I intend to reprogram my expectations of myself and how I am to show up in the world so that I can be authentic to my design. My inner authority is my emotions. Not that I need to make emotional decisions, but that it is better for me to wait until my emotional wave goes through its cycle before I make a decision. I need to feel it is right in my core, not because I am heightened by an emotional response. The first rule here is always to sleep on it if I am in any way uncertain or it doesn’t feel right. Another way is allowing myself to not be accepted or part of the group. It’s okay to be on the outside. I have acquired a friendliness and a warmth I didn’t have in Stage 1 but will assist me a great deal in Stage 3. However, I don’t want to be a joiner, and that is okay. As a role model, I will be a part of a community but it will be as the wise sage not as the ring-leader or community organizer and that is a role I really look forward to and feels right to me.

The reprogramming I am struggling with is in relationships. I dated someone for a few months earlier this year that I really enjoyed. However, I did not show up as a Manifestor. He, however, was not a leader (although he tried for me). Everything about the relationship dynamics felt wrong even though I was really attracted to him and enjoyed his company. We were both unsure of what role we needed to play and never found a rhythm. As a side, we stayed friends, and again, I don’t regret leaving the relationship because it would not be good for me long-term regardless of how I show up. However, after all I have learned and all the ways I have evolved I don’t know how to be a Manifestor in a romantic relationship. I can do it in every other relationship I have, like friendships and my children, etc., but I feel really uncomfortable initiating with men now. I also do not want a weak man who wants to be taken care of by me. I want an equal partner that is not afraid of the times my urge to move forward with something causes me to take charge. I need him to either support me or step out of my way. When I am not propelled by something and in my resting phase, I need someone who is willing to step up and lead so I can rest and not feel like I am carrying the burden of the relationship all the time. I have faith that there is someone out there that can feel like a partner in a dance, rather than a parent/child — like my marriage.

The journey will be difficult and there will be twists and turns. Since my Chiron return is coming up in 2 years, and I will be forced to deal with anything that hasn’t been dealt with before I can come off the roof, taking the time now seems like a worthwhile endeavor. For those who are familiar with astrology, I am a Sagittarius Sun and my progressed Moon has been in Scorpio since December 2020, to move out in March 2023. I need to take the next 10 months to reflect and determine my plan of action in being a Manifestor so that when my Moon leaves Scorpio and moves into Sagittarius and I have the energy and drive I need again I can be authentic and hit the ground running without messing everyone around me up!

Undefined Sacral

Human Design 101

I love seeing the way patterns emerge over time. When you look back over 10, 15, or even 30 years and take a big picture analysis of things you can see how not only you showed up in the world but all the events that directed you along various paths. We may not like what we see, since we tend to want to be something we are not, but if we assess things with a non-judgemental eye we can find out who we are by who we have been. With any luck, we’ve seen personal growth, something like shaving the edges a rock to polish it, but we are still made up of the materials we started with.

I had heard of Human Design through various YouTubers that were into astrology, but because of the depth of it and my being new to astrology, I decided to not pursue learning about it. I belong to a terrific group I found on Meetup called Awkwardly Zen and one of the members does Human Design readings. One might think it was an accident, but in my meditations and due to spending a weekend at a Joe Dispenza conference, I have been focused on what direction my life should take moving forward. In pops Human Design as an answer to that direction I’ve been seeking.

There are 4 main types of people in Human Design. Most people are Generators, estimated at around 70% of the population. They are the types that are like builders with creative energy to get things done and assist others in their goals. Projectors are the administrators of the world, they excel at bringing people together and how to maximize the potential of others. They make up about 20% of the population. The smallest group is the Reflectors, at 1% of the population, they live up to their name by mirroring the energy of the environment they are in. They are like the cheerleaders helping others to be aware of what needs to be worked on and guiding them to become their best selves.

I have left the remaining 9% for last because I discovered it is what I am. I am a Manifestor. In the times before the discovery of Uranus in 1781, Manifestors were the ones in charge. They are natural leaders in that, unlike the other 3 types, they don’t have to wait for the Universe to give them permission, they can take charge and “manifest” the change they want to see. They initiate where they see fit. After the Uranus discovery, lots of things changed I don’t have a grasp on yet, but Manifestors were removed as the ones in charge as a society didn’t want dictators anymore, but rather more of a democracy of people shaping their lives on a collective level. For those of us that are born Manifestors now, we live on the outskirts of the community and produce the ideas and initiate change still, but leave it to the others to put it into motion and complete it. The problem with Manifestors is that their energy is closed and repelling, meaning that others sense that they are not open to the energies of others so people tend to distrust Manifestors until they get to know them. Historically Manifestors were tyrants, enslaving others to do their bidding. Although that is no longer necessarily true, there is a fear of the strength the energy Manifestors put off.

What this means for me is that as I look back on my life, I can see the big picture of how I showed up as a Manifestor. I go along and learn and gather information until something strikes a chord in me to take action. Then, with the goal in place, I go gang-busters toward it steam-rolling everything to make that goal happen. I am unassuming, compassionate, and friendly but when I want something nothing can stop me from getting it. Once I have obtained my goal, I sit back and go inward again for some time. I can be closed off and a classic introvert when I need to recharge from using my energy so forcefully. Those times can be months or years depending on how much energy I need for the next adventure. During my down times, I am not interested in taking charge, can focus on the mundane aspects of life, and can be somewhat boring just taking in knowledge and not getting excited about anything. Then, all of a sudden, BOOM! I have a goal to accomplish and all of life changes and everything in me explodes in the direction of my goal and I become an extrovert pushing toward my goal with the ferocity of a volcano.

One of the problems with the world not understanding the different types is that everyone wants others to be like them. So growing up with nothing but Generators around me (literally every family member I have) they didn’t understand me. My ferocity when I dug in, my general energy of independence, and my lack of needing others in any tangible way once I was old enough to dress myself, confused and frustrated those around me. It is very normal for Generator parents to try to break the spirit of Manifestor children, and mine did their very best. What that ended up looking like was my being passive and shutting off my thoughts and feelings to people so they weren’t intimidated by my strength. It worked out for me to be able to live in a world of mostly Generators. As a child, most other children didn’t resonate with me and I had a lot of trouble making friends. Learning to hide my strength and show a more adaptable side to people allowed me to have good relationships in the world, which I do not regret in the least.

The only issue I see is in my intimate relationships. Because I am not consistent in my nature, I can rest for quite some time in a more Yin role of compliance where I don’t need to control things. However, once there is something that I do want to focus on and initiate change I am quite dominating and will get downright scary when people stand in my way. Because my very aura is one of strength, I draw men who are more compliant types. However, I have difficulty respecting men who are not able to be strong during the times that I am needing to rest and recover my energy. I am not wanting to lead overall, I just need to be given leeway when I have a goal. I don’t know how to reconcile that and that will remain a focus of my meditations going forward. A true Yang energy man is going to be very unhappy with my closed, repelling aura because a Yang energy man needs a receptive and open Yin woman. Perhaps I need another Manifestor. When we are in our downtime we can read and travel together just enjoying life, but hopefully, we can find goals we both want to accomplish together that will allow us to become an unstoppable force for change and growth in the world. It would be tremendous to have a fellow Manifestor to accomplish goals with because the amount of energy needed would be divided and allow for less burn-out and possibly less down-time in between spurts. That, however, is just a theory. It may very well blow up in my face to be with another person who cannot be stopped if I am not in alignment with their goals.

More to come on Human Design. I cannot recommend enough learning as much as possible about how you operate and show up in the world. It is so freeing to be able to have permission to be me and know how I am seen and understood by others. Because we are conditioned by others who want us to be like them, it is so easy for us not to show up authentically even if we think we are. I have spent the last 5 years trying to become more Yin so that I could find a strong man, however, I don’t have trouble being Yin, I have trouble coming to terms with my inner strength and not apologizing for it when I do want something. It is completely redirecting how I approach life moving forward now that I have this information.

It is a beautiful thing to give yourself permission to show up how you were designed to show up in the world. There is always room for improvement, so learning to love others and show up in a kind and honoring way is essential. But, not apologizing to anyone about being authentically you is truly a gift to yourself.

Astrology and Myth

Over the last few months I have been doing my best to shore up some of the basics of astrology. I joined a class that meets weekly for a year to go over all the structure and knowledge from the Hellenistic traditional teachings. There are terrific textbooks to go through which help solidify a lot of missing pieces for me. Obviously, I have a long way to go in the class and there is a lot more to learn but what I’m finding is that to really understand astrology it requires a devotion to archetypes and mythology.

When I was learning about the Enneagram, I really enjoyed the depth of it. Not only do you have the 9 different basic types of personality but you have nuances from the other types on either side a person can lean toward. You can go to different types when you’re stressed or when you are very happy. You can have different tendencies even within your own type based on your mental health and state of mind. It then factors in so many other aspects to your type that reveal the extreme complexities that really do make us up as individuals. The only problem I had with the Enneagram is that you can’t really assist other people other than to educate them. I cannot look at my friend or my child and help them determine what type they are on the surface without really understanding their inner mind. It is very easy to mis-type yourself and not easy to type someone else because we are so complex. What I love about astrology is that from someone’s birth chart I can see the various areas of potential growth or pitfalls and then assist from there and although someone may not be exhibiting their chart they cannot choose another one.

However, in looking at someone’s chart it is not enough to see that they have Jupiter in the 12th house or Venus in the 5th. As a student of astrology that does not tell much. Yes, you can derive some information from the basic placements. Being an analytical, logic-minded person I was looking for formulas and checkboxes to be able to read a chart accurately. That may make for a decent reading, or a basic one, but it is not a professional-level reading. I picked up Richard Tarnas’ Cosmos and Psyche book as well as Liz Greene’s The Astrology of Fate. It has become abundantly clear to me to observe the chart like a game board. Stay with me here. My oldest son played Magic and Dungeons and Dragons. Occasionally I would be in the room and hear the process. They had to know, in-depth the characters and what tools and assets they had to offer. They had to know how they interacted with other characters. They would make up scenarios for the game to lay the groundwork of the storyline etc. It was very complex. The same appears to be true of astrology as well. Not only do I need to know that Aries is ruled by Mars but when Venus comes through the 1st house is she welcome? What is it like to live in the territory of Mars and what tools do they have to offer? Are they willing to share the tools with Venus or is Venus rejected and treated like an enemy? Does Venus have power there because she is an outsider? When she moves into a Mercury-ruled house, is she more welcome? Is she treated with respect and given the tools she needs? These are the mental constructs needed to really understand a chart. It takes imagination and knowledge of the archetypes of each character and how they relate.

So, it is my next step in the journey toward astrological mastery to read up on the old mythologies of old. I intend to look into the Greek stories as well as the Jungian archetypes to get a foothold on the various characters and the feelings and tendencies behind the complex personalities of the gods and creatures represented there so that the birth chart comes to life. Granted, my imagination cannot drive someone else’s chart. It still requires their input to confirm that the archetypes are presenting in the way that the chart seems to indicate, but once that is verified it will help in really diving into what the karma and fate of a person’s trajectory truly may be. It is my sincere opinion that unless I can actually assist a person in locating pitfalls and finding their destiny than being an astrologist is really no more than interesting at best.

Another interesting thought I had in relation to the birth chart being like a game was from Liz Greene’s description of Pluto moving through the houses as a person gets older. Pluto starts out in one house and can take 20+ years in each sign as it moves. Where Pluto starts out is an indication of the area of life that is most needed to work on for the person. However, as Pluto ticks through each sign, it creates havoc and upsets all the person’s perception of life and how they find stability. As I was pondering movies/stories that I’m familiar with that may provide some insight I thought of The Hunger Games. In the final book/movie the “players” find themselves in a game that is similar to a clock. As the clock strikes a new hour something crazy and disrupting happens, in some occasions killing characters, burning them, or driving them to another part of the “clock” to ensure they do not get comfortable. Pluto, likewise, can represent chaos and death. Not only actual death but the death of ideas, comfort, relationships, the self/ego etc. It is meant to drive change and force the person to become what they were meant to become. The purpose of The Hunger Games is very different than Pluto. Pluto isn’t attempting to destroy for the sake of punishment. It is looking to take down so it can rebuild better and stronger unless of course death actually occurs. Liz Greene points out that we are at the mercy of Pluto and fighting it will only cause more damage than just accepting the lessons it has to give.

These are the kind of stories that we can look at and relate to as we look at charts and attempt to explain them to the people looking for information within them. As I grow to understand the myths and stories, both new and old, it can give some depth of understanding and a foothold to the person’s ability to relate their lives to those of the characters in the stories. Accepting that we are like Katniss navigating a volatile Pluto transit through the 12th house and gearing up for the battle within is more empowering than just telling someone that Pluto in the 12th house will cause depression and questioning of everything they believe. The house Pluto is transiting through indicates the kind of armor and weaponry we may need to get through it with strength and purpose rather than being battle-torn and wounded. A 20-year transit is no joke and should be taken seriously.

I’m excited about this new adventure. It will require me, as a person, to get in touch with my right brain and weave the left-brained knowledge into something more tangible and interesting. There are no boxes to check or pat answers to give in real astrology. I intend to learn what I need to do to be the best I can be.

August 12, 2021

It’s official, I’m divorced. I’ve actually been divorced for two months now. I happily feel that it was the best decision for me, without a doubt. Even though I was separated for a year before the divorce, it was important to me not to start the dating process until I was officially single. I have spent a couple months getting some important life matters taken care of and now I’m ready to see if I can find love again. I have been working towards putting up my profile on a couple of dating websites. Being the dutiful over-achiever that I am I have been “studying” to make sure I’m successful. Is there any way to be truly prepared?

A couple of hurdles come to mind as I, again, peer over the hedge into a new world. The last time I “dated” was in the 90s. I think a few things have changed since then – not the least of which is the age of the men I am compatible with. It is odd that I continue to think of myself as youthful and see the pictures of my potential dates as “old”. My mirror confirms I am not 18 anymore but my heart does no such thing. Another hurdle is that I never actually learned how to just have fun. I was a very serious person as a teenager. Oddly, I was more serious then than I am now. I had no patience for guys who didn’t fit my perfect ideals so, needless to say, I had a lot of first dates and very few 2nd dates. I think I’m much more prepared to be light-hearted about my time spent with the opposite sex. However, I still feel the rule that if I don’t really like them I’m not going to waste my time has to remain high on my list.

Whether for good or for bad, I have fallen down the rabbit hole of YouTube research. I have found a few favorite male dating coaches that I have been adamantly following. They have some differences in opinion about things, but what they all seem to agree on is that women who want a “real” man have to be feminine and not chase the guy. They all agree that sex is not required after the 3rd date. They also highly recommend not having dinner as the 1st date, too awkward and unspontaneous. It would seem that the only way to find someone I will really like is to find topics to discuss that are non-interview style. Tell me about your job, is not a question that needs to be asked, unless I want to bore the guy to death. Another agreement they seem to have is that I’ll have to touch base with dozens if not hundreds of men to sort through to get one that will stick. Wow, is it really like sending out a hundred resumes so you can go on a dozen job interviews to finally land the one job? What is the payoff? At least with the job you get a steady paycheck and health benefits. With a relationship it is tenuous and uncertain, and you can still get fired!

What do I want from all this? I recently meet with a counselor who recommended throwing out the rulebook from my YouTube gurus and just focus on being playful, having fun and keeping my antennae up on what makes me feel authentic and engaged. Whereever I am at in the process keep asking myself “Am I having fun?” If not, redirect or move on. It is great to be at the stage of life where I don’t have any clocks ticking to move me closer to something. I don’t want any more kids, I don’t really care if I remarry, and I am financially in a good place. I’m looking for a life partner that I truly enjoy. What does that look like? Great conversation, which may include playful sparring and disagreements but all for the sake of digging into the issues to have fun conversing, not to argue a side. It looks like being able to just sit together without feeling the need to entertain or force conversation too. I want to feel like best friends and great lovers without feeling trapped or obligated. I want to wake up every day and choose the make the commitment to continue in a relationship that has flowing energy, not stagnant, festering energy that is soul-draining. Passion is important too, but I’ll leave those details to the imagination. I want to have fun!

My nature is to embrace both stability and change. It may be an odd combination but I have to have movement, hence the change to keep things interesting, but I also have to have grounding and security. I want my relationship with my life partner to be that way. Like the swing set at a park. It is cemented to the earth to keep it from flying off or toppling over but yet there is free flow of movement. Sometimes it can go slowly. Sometimes it is moving backwards instead of forwards. However, sometimes it is exhilarating. You can choose the speed and it takes work but it is experiencing both flow and stability.

In my work, I spend my whole day solving problems and creating order. I am looking forward to dating to not solve a problem but to just experience the chaos of life and meet new and interesting people. If dating is like any other situation involving people, there will be plenty of people I don’t like, find annoying and just simply don’t want to spend time with. However, there will be people I find fascinating and even if it isn’t a long-term relationship will find value in having known them for whatever time they have graced my life. The important thing, I believe, is not to try to “manage” it but to just experience it. I need to trust my intuition, keep important safety protocols in place, and enjoy the experience.

July 16, 2021

I recently had surgery, which I’ve never gone through before. It was a positive experience with the medical staff doing what they do best and taking care of me. I recall over the years with grandparents in the hospital and other situations that medical people are trained to look for life-threatening situations and get people to a stable position. They may not be 100%, and they may have permanent issues but they are alive and able to sustain self-care and that seems to be the goal for those caring for others.

That isn’t a bad goal for people who are having heart attacks or those in car accidents. Even those with cancer are happy that their medical crew are doing their best to get them to go home and keep living. However, when someone has an issue that is not life or (even sustainable day-to-day living) threatening medical staff seem less than sympathetic. For example, I have a friend whose child is suffering from severe anxiety. She has attempted suicide on a couple occasions and the medical staff are on the ready to assist on those occasions. However, when the family attempted to get a battery of tests on hormones and other blood readings to see what the root cause of the depression and anxiety was they were met with a great deal of resistance. Once a person is “out of the red” it appears that the motivation to keep looking for the reason they aren’t at their best abates. Why is it that the bare minimum for living is all that is necessary?

That leads me to think about mental health in our society. I don’t agree with locking people up for mental health issues but our society seems to turn a blind eye to those with mental health issues and make the assumption that it is normal to be a little bit crazy. Yes, we can pay a lot of money to therapists who are happy to listen to our woes day after day if we so choose to keep paying. However, it seems that as long as a person is getting by and not on the brink of harming themselves or others it is not considered something to be concerned about. When my son was around 14 he was having a lot of issues just understanding his place in the world. He had plenty of stressful situations between moving a couple times and a bad relationship with his dad. I hired a teen specialist, who was a nice guy, to come to our home and talk to him to be that guidance counselor that my son was not getting from any other man in his life. He came and he did help, but he had a personal issue come up that prevented him from continuing to meet with my son. When I asked him who he would refer to replace him and he brushed me off saying that my son would be fine. He eluded to the very troubled teens he worked with in his day job who had substance abuse and legal issues. He very vocally indicated I didn’t need to pursue additional counseling. Why does it not make more sense to assist my son before he turns to drugs or stealing (or suicide)?

I don’t know much about the mental health scales that are used to determine if a person needs treatment. However, it seems to me that it is inadequate. Our brains are very complex and self-sustaining. I have known people who had serious personality issues that could not be classified on the scale of disorders because they were highly functional. So, if a person cannot sustain personal relationships but can go out and buy food and hold down a job we call them normal. As I had a glimpse into Ken Wilber’s levels of development it is easy to see how a child should behave and when they get to a certain age they start to question things and expand their mind. He does a good job explaining how each stage looks. However, so many full-grown adults are stuck at lower-level stages that they should have grown out of in their late teens. I won’t get into the details of his stages, but suffice it to say that we have all the tools necessary to help people through their negative patterns of living and we don’t take the necessary resources to develop people’s minds to mature and think critically.

Perhaps if we started really understanding people and how their minds work and started classifying them into categories of health it would cause more harm than good with us vs. them and other people knowing their issues preventing them from getting jobs or relationships due to a label. I realize that parents don’t want their kids getting labeled in schools because of bullying and hindering them from being treated normally.

I don’t have an answer. I know I could use just as much help as the next guy in figuring out why I have the tendencies I have that are not benefiting me. I also know we don’t want to have any ONE way of thinking or operating to be pushed any more than we want one religion or one type of government. There are so many people with so many beautiful expressions of life that we don’t want to damper them in any way. My concern is for the millions of people that are stuck in negative thought patterns to the extent that they don’t even want to do anything differently. Is there an answer? Can we help them without hurting them more?

May 14, 2021

Great Expectations

No, I’m not reading Charles Dickens, I’m thinking along the lines of relationships and how we start out with certain ideals and expectations and then allow them to dwindle down until we are just getting by in a relationship but for whatever reason we don’t seek to move on from them. Every time in years past that I brought up with friends how unhappy I was in my marriage I was met with a barrage of reasons why their relationship was just as bad or worse. As if their being unhappy was all the reason I needed to remain unhappy with them. Oddly, this social norm of staying in relationships that are entirely unsatisfying is very, very standard. Yes, there are people who get a divorce but more often then not those people seem to have extenuating circumstances that make it more socially acceptable like infidelity or abuse. Considering how far we have come with being tolerant of various lifestyles that used to be taboo, we have not yet come to a point in society were we expect to actually enjoy our chosen life partner past the wedding vows.

In a few recent conversations, one friend remains with her husband even though they never connect and never have meaningful conversations. They spend time together physically, but emotionally they haven’t spent time together in years. Yes, they have younger children who take up a lot of their time. They both work full-time and have the ordinary albeit overwhelming responsibilities of life that get in their way. I imagine this makes up most of married couples. The kids come along and their relationship suffers but it is their duty to march on in their apathy toward each other until the kids are grown and hope they can salvage how they once felt toward each other. In ways this is noble; the kids are important. However, what this is teaching the kids is that mom and dad’s relationship is not valuable and they will carry on the tradition in their marriages. Wouldn’t the children be better off if the parents carved out time to remain friends and lovers instead of just roommates? That would be a much better example to duplicate.

For the other friends I have, it varies between utter distain of their spouse to desperately trying to get the spouse to be, do or feel the way that they “used to” in a way that is codependent and unhealthy. With audiobooks and the internet there is no shortage of ways to learn how to communicate, interrelate and find healthy boundaries and yet most couples just march on in their drudgery and eventually may snap and divorce. However, the fault doesn’t lie in the resistant partner entirely and as we see with those that divorce and remarry, the likelihood of happiness goes down because each person is still behaving in the new relationship in the same manner they did before.

Because so many of my friends have parents or loved ones who divorced and were no happier, when I talked to them about dating again they were all adamant that there is “nothing better out there” and “no man can communicate”. I disagree. I do know of relationships that are great and men who communicate. What is the key factor in those people and relationships is that they are committed to working on things and being mindful to keep making an effort rather than becoming complacent and apathetic. If one partner is eager to work on things and the other one is not, eventually it will become a serious problem. If both are content to be below average in their relationship is is certainly better than one person nagging and getting angry with their partner that is not willing to make the effort.

Another issue that I have observed in relationships is that one person in the relationship is carrying the lion-share of the responsibility while the other one doesn’t feel responsible for anything. The non-responsible party is happy to blame the other person when things are not going well, however. This is not specific to men and women as far as who is the responsible one. I do think this is part of the masculine/feminine dilemma. The more I understand masculine and feminine energies the more I see how the feminine is the one that can take more and become apathetic and lazy while the masculine can be more neurotic running around trying to find their worth in all the tasks they do for everyone else. I fully admit that I was trained to be a masculine energy woman. I took on more and more responsibility for my spouse and my children because that is what had to be done, not because I desired it. I have natural abilities to problem solve and I’m good and organizing and taking care of things. It makes me a great employee, but at least there I get paid. Over the course of 25 years in marriage it burned me out and practically gave me a nervous breakdown.

As I look back, I could blame my ex for allowing our relationship to become so lop-sided but the truth is that it is the natural order of things. Yin-yang is necessary in life to keep things balanced. We attract the opposite to us or we will feel very uncomfortable with the relationship and will not stay in it. I was a strong, opinionated, highly motivated person in my early life and because of various experiences I had with my family and was determined never to be at the mercy of a man to take care of me. Therefore, I picked a man who I had to take care of. It put me in a position of power because growing up I felt so powerless. In the beginning our relationship was exactly what I wanted and felt comfortable with. However, over the course of time and more than one serious bouts of depression I realized that I could not sustain the neurotic, over-achieving lifestyle and begged my husband to move out of the fully feminine (taker) mode and have a more balanced relationship. Unfortunately, he was not able to do so. That was his right to continue to be what is best for him. Besides, I changed the dynamics, I couldn’t expect him to change. I have healed the wounds that made me the neurotic and masculine energy. I look forward to exploring a healthy, unselfish feminine energy role, as well as attracting my new opposite energy.

Again, as I peer over the divorce hedge and consider what I want for the remaining years of my life I do know that I need a life partner. My reasons are no longer so I can take care of someone and feel validated by my self-sacrifice. My reasons are that I am a better me when I have someone I care about in my life. For those still in the thick of parenting, their children may be enough. I am on the downward slide to empty-nesting and I desire a companionship with someone that feels like it is fair and balanced like a proper yin-yang relationship. That is my expectation moving forward, and a great expectation I wish more couples had for themselves.

March 12, 2021

As the New Moon approaches I am again looking through the book “New Moon Astrology” by Jan Spiller to see what areas of focus I want to take on my meditation. She recommends looking at the sign the moon is located in to align with the energies. As I look at Pisces I’m reminded how gentle and non-aggressive the energy of Pisces is. The calm before the Aries storm of “me” energy. The 12 signs are like a song that starts off strong and has various highs and lows throughout and ends softly only to begin again like Beethoven’s 5th. All I can say is “be warned!”

I love astrology not just because of the personality typing but also for the evolutionary development it proposes. My south node is in the 10th house which implies that “in a previous life” I was a high performer and career-focused and because it was in Gemini I likely was skilled at communicating. My north node is in Sagittarius/4th house both imply that learning and philosophy/truth are supposed to be my focus in this life but also understanding my roots and being very attached to quiet home life. It is important to spend some time reflecting on both the north and south nodes. The south node comes easy for us and is like the worn-out rut that we just can’t seem to get out of. I have spent far too much time in my life dedicated to earning money. Obviously, I felt I was doing it for the good of my family and spent it on their care (being faithful to the 4th house stellium I have) but it was not being true to my ultimate purpose in this life. When we ignore our purpose and choose to remain in what is comfortable, we not only do ourselves a huge disservice we hurt those around us who are not receiving the benefit of the growth we should be sharing with them.

There is nothing more sad than to meet someone in the late stages of life that have refused to grow, refused to meet life’s challenges head-on, or simply just has not become the best version of themselves. However, that is more common in my life than not. I hesitate to bash my family of origin, but as I look at their development I see people who have basically dug into their south node and fought tooth and nail to retain it.

Since I left my husband last summer, I have spent a great deal more time with my parents than I have in the previous 10 years. Granted for 3 of those 10 years I was estranged from my mother because she has extremely poor boundaries and continued to hold me responsible for her feelings and needs even though I had my own family and children to take care of. That period of withdrawal from my mother took me down a path of psychological growth and personal development. I learned everything I could about boundaries and how to handle conflict and what was a healthy way to interact with someone if they are not meeting your needs. I focused on working on myself, hammering out how I could be a better mother, wife, and human but it then became more obvious how those around me were not aligning to those healthy standards. Fortunately, I was also working on my spiritual growth so I have not felt the need to point out and punish those in my family for not being healthy, but it hasn’t been easy. When you find the path that feels right and aligns with what you feel the Universe calls you to be, it makes it hard to align yourself with others not on that path. No one will ever be perfectly in alignment, and we have to open our hearts to people who struggle, but we don’t have to continue to invest energy in unhealthy relationships with people who have no desire to be the best versions of themselves. I left my husband not because he wasn’t a good person, but because our paths no longer aligned and I am not going to try to force someone down a path they don’t want to be on.

What do you do with your parents and children, though? I can easily say with my children, I will suck it up and do everything I can to remain in their lives in a positive way. I suppose if they were very unhealthy I would limit the amount of investment, but they are always my children and always deserve my love and attention as they desire. That may be my 4th house stellium talking again. However, I have struggled my whole life on how to approach my relationship with my parents (especially my mother) because it is so difficult to have a healthy relationship with them. After the 3 years of estrangement, we settled into a relationship where we just don’t talk about feelings. I maintained boundaries and she terrorized my children with her constant need for validation, but we found a “happy ground” where we could spend time together. In the last 8 months living apart from my ex, my mother and I spent a lot more time together. Admittedly, I do not share my heart with her and keep the amount of information about my personal beliefs and hobbies to a minimum. She is a very conservative fundamental Christian and if anyone has views outside of hers she seems to take it as a personal attack. How can I be fully open and present to a person who would get vicious and angry if she knew I no longer consider myself a Christian and am highly absorbed in understanding astrology, energy healing, and alternative spiritual practices?

For various reasons, I have not been in much contact with her over the last month. We met last weekend to have breakfast and instead of approaching it with hurt and expressing herself in a healthy way that she didn’t understand why I had not reached out much in that time, she went back to her pre-estrangement days of attacking me personally and viciously trying to get me to make her feel loved and adored. Because of the amount of growth I’ve experienced, I think I handled it well. However, I could not bring myself to make her feel better. I felt understanding for her reaction, but no sympathy for her pain. There is so much more I need to work on, and so many areas that I fall short, but one area I am proud of is my desire to let my children be who they need to be. I have two boys, one full adult and one who is not legally an adult but close enough to be considered one. They have all kinds of quirks and personality “issues” they are working on, but I love them dearly and don’t try to force them into my mold or control their reactions to things. Being boys, I have no expectation of how often they spend time with me and delight in them when they do. Conversely, they do want to spend time with me and we have great conversations on those occasions. I practice my healthy conflict skills when problems arise and only assert my authority when it is absolutely necessary because they are old enough to decide (most) things for themselves. My teen-daughter is another story because I still need to parent her, but she still receives respect and when we have conflict we work through it in a manner that is not abusive or detrimental to her self-esteem (or so I hope!) It is those experiences that give me confidence that although I’m not perfect, I am learning and open and compassionate with my family.

I don’t expect to be able to work through the answer to my dilemma here, nor do I want to be estranged from my mother again. I spent time away from her not to change her, but to develop my boundaries and heal my wounds so that she no longer had power over me. I feel through our conversation this time that I was successful with learning both those things. However, when someone sets expectations of you that they have no right to set and then tries to hold you accountable to those expectations without being open and willing to compromise or negotiate, it makes things impossible. I could be passive aggressive or even fully aggressive, but those approaches are not in alignment with who I want to be. I’d like to take a compassionate stance that something drove her into this place of protection and the inability to satiate her own needs without getting forceful and angry toward those in her life. The problem is that I am her child. If it were anyone else in the world, I would know how to handle the relationship, but being her child means that navigating the relationship will never be easy. I hate no-win situations. When I say “win” I don’t mean being right so much as resolving it in a way that feels good to me. I prefer win-win situations and she will not allow that. If I benefit she feels she has lost and if she benefits she makes sure I feel I have lost. How do I work with that?

Therefore, I will meditate on my Pisces energy and ask for wisdom and likely find a way to navigate my dilemma.