Eclipse Season

2022.11.08

I woke up early this morning to try to see the lunar moon eclipse. At the peak of the eclipse the clouds were covering the moon so I was unable to glimpse it, but about an hour after the peak, it came out of the clouds and I was able to view it fully for a while. I don’t know if it is an energy thing or just my fascination with the moon but I am drawn to eclipses. I remember many years ago when my kids were young pulling them out on the front porch of our house in the middle of the night to see the beautiful full eclipse. The moon looked so round in the sky with its red hue. Although I see the moon regularly it looks more like a disk rather than a ball, but something about that night’s eclipse really accentuated the roundness of the ball in the sky and made it feel more profound.

Astrologers speak of the eclipse season as giving us opportunities to remove the unwanted and call in what we need in our lives. Currently, the eclipses are centered around Taurus/Scorpio so there is a lot involved in stability, money (ours and other people’s), and our shadow sides. Ever since the eclipse last May I have felt a strong pull toward being more authentically me. I have realized how I have not fully and completely accepted myself over the years and it is forefront in my consciousness that doing so is essential to the next steps in my life.

One way this has shown up for me is in discovering I am a Manifestor in Human Design and my INFJ in Myers-Briggs. In my marriage and being a parent, I conformed to my idea of what those roles should look like. I chose to make myself domestic and serve my family because I felt that it was my responsibility. Of course, being the best I could be as a wife and mother is honorable. However, I did so in a way that was not honoring to my own energy. Ironically Manifestors and INFJs have a lot in common. I did a poll on a Facebook page for Manifestor women and over 80% had NF in their function stacks. One, I don’t have consistent energy. So getting up every day and taking care of kids and putting my needs aside was extremely difficult and burned me out entirely. However, getting up and going to a job every day is very hard on my energy as well. I’m not sure there are a lot of options for people who are not a trust-fund babies to have difficulties in this world. Two, Manifestors and INFJs are not meant to fit in with the generator world. I spent far too much time trying to provide a life that was ordinary so my kids would fit in. In doing so I never felt like I belonged.

My commitment to myself for this eclipse season is to honor my own energy. I will no longer apologize for being unique and strong. I have had so many people comment to me that I am the rock in their life. I provide stability and depth. They look to me to set the example of how to live, so I need to just live authentically. Trying to conform around anyone or any “agenda” is not authentic at all. I set my intention this eclipse season to fully and completely accept myself as I am. I can’t really be anything else (well) so let’s give it a go!

July 4, 2022

FREEDOM BY DESIGN

Independence Day! Instead of reflecting on what it means to be free in my country, though, I ponder what it means to be free and independent as a Human Design Manifestor. I know that it a hallmark of my personality. Not only am I a Sagittarius Sun but I have my Mercury, my Mars, my Neptune and my North Node in Sagittarius. There is no way that I don’t need freedom more than most people with that alignment.

What does that look like to me now that I know I am a Manifestor? Ra Uru Hu was a Manifestor and said that the rule of thumb is don’t ask them to do anything, don’t tell them to do anything and stay out of their way. He says that if you, as a Manifestor, are okay with being told what to do you have been conditioned by Generators too much and need to learn your authority and live by it first or you’ll never be happy. I have been conditioned to allow people to direct me, even though it doesn’t feel good, it does seem like the right thing to do to get along with people. Is freedom really about being so independent I am alone?

When I was completely un-self aware I know I didn’t listen to other people. I would learn things and take it into consideration their suggestions but I did what I wanted to do and I loved that my husband at the time admired that about me. However, I have never liked to lead other people. I have a live and let live attitude. I think all people should be responsible for themselves so that if I have information, I can share it with them, but they choose what to do with it. In a management perspective, I would train and hold accountable but I didn’t like to have to “manage” them. Fortunately, in my line of work, I didn’t have to treat my staff like children and farm them. I have always worked in offices or businesses that were along the white collar lines, so the employees took responsibility. When I was a parent, I did have to become more forceful and domineering, which I hated and then spent a lot of time learning how to control my anger. I can see, as a Manifestor, that if I have to tell other people what to do I expect them to do it or I get angry. The solution there is find a way not to have to tell anyone what to do right? It tells me that I not only like freedom for myself but that I prefer freedom for those in my life as well.

So, as I am on internet dating websites and contemplating what it means to date I am completely boggled. I mentioned I spent a lot of time learning how to be feminine/Yin from Pat Allen’s book, but it is contrary to my original pre-Saturn return self. She indicates that if the woman is more masculine/Yang energy then the woman needs to be prepared for her man to not make much money, be the one who brings the fun and sensuality to the relationship, that she will likely have to pay for everything and lead in the relationship. With my aura, I will never attract a Yang energy man, but do I have to be the total dude in the relationship? I’d like a man who makes enough money to be financial stable on his own. I’m happy to share paying for things, but I don’t want to be the sugar mama. I admit, although I can be fun and sensual, I am very attracted to men who bring that dynamic to the table. Perhaps Pat Allen is taking things to the extreme and there are variations. For example, she indicates that most Yang women are obsessed with their careers. I’m not. I’m happy to have my income but I’m not a corporate climber. I am obsessed with my hobbies and my learning about astrology and spiritual things but not at the expense of my relationships.

When I was dating the last guy, he was on fire in the beginning to impress me. He paid for our dates, pursued me, paid a lot of attention to me and felt balanced in the Yin/Yang energy. However, after a few months he started wanting to hang out on my couch more than going out. He stopped planning anything to do on the weekends and started getting really comfortable with the idea that I enjoyed being a giver (a Yang energy trait). Was that in response to my energy, or was he just naturally Yin and put on a show in the beginning? I think a lot of people are confused by what society tells them and what is natural to them. As I look at this man’s history, he has Yin written all over it. He was drawn to my aura being strong and my being financially stable but I didn’t step into the Yang dominant role. I wanted him to remain more Yin/Yang balanced and he couldn’t keep up the energy that wasn’t natural to him.

Being that I like freedom, but I like balance, I am refuting some of what Pat Allen indicates. She may have been over-simplifying, because she says whoever speaks first when you meet is the Yang energy. So, if I go up to a guy and introduce myself or speak first that is my indication that I’m the Yang and he will then take the Yin role. That may be true for a while, but I contend that if someone is Yin or Yang predominantly it will come out. A Yang man is not going to remain in a Yin role just because the woman he is with asked him out. He will either feel resentful of the woman’s strength or they will butt heads a lot on who gets to be the boss. It is correct in assuming the relationship won’t work out to have two Yang energy people, but they can be married for a LONG time (as evidenced by my parents!)

So, in online dating, as a Manifestor I should initiate. That can mean I like them on the site, that can mean I say “Hi” first, but does that mean then I have to set up the dates and I have to pay for things? Again, I don’t mind paying for myself but I’m not going to set the precedent that I’m going to be the dude. I know that is my societal and feminine energy training talking but it doesn’t feel right to me. I take care of my man in so many ways and I am a giver, but I’m not going to do all the giving just for the pleasure of someone’s company. That is another trait of being a Manifestor, we don’t mind being alone. If I have to do all the work then what’s in it for me? Where is the balance? Part of that comes with having things in common and enjoying each other’s company. A key phrase on a FB page I belong to is that Manifestor women don’t need their man for anything, but they want their man for everything. Having the companionship, support, affection and feeling of going through life with someone who understands them is the most important thing. However, feeling taken advantage of never feels good to anyone!

That is my journey. As for online dating, I will say “Hi” and I will converse but I will not go out with a man who will not “make it happen”. That may mean I don’t date. However, if I am destined to be with a Yin predominant man, it will need to be 55/45 not 80/20. He will have to be able to be “a man” just without the Yang dominance. I will have embrace my inner authority and lead without stepping on my man’s male ego. The journey will be long. Thanks for joining me on it.

General Overview of the Types

Human Design 101

I love seeing the way patterns emerge over time. When you look back over 10, 15, or even 30 years and take a big picture analysis of things you can see how not only you showed up in the world but all the events that directed you along various paths. We may not like what we see, since we tend to want to be something we are not, but if we assess things with a non-judgemental eye we can find out who we are by who we have been. With any luck, we’ve seen personal growth, something like shaving the edges a rock to polish it, but we are still made up of the materials we started with.

I had heard of Human Design through various YouTubers that were into astrology, but because of the depth of it and my being new to astrology, I decided to not pursue learning about it. I belong to a terrific group I found on Meetup called Awkwardly Zen and one of the members does Human Design readings. One might think it was an accident, but in my meditations and due to spending a weekend at a Joe Dispenza conference, I have been focused on what direction my life should take moving forward. In pops Human Design as an answer to that direction I’ve been seeking.

There are 4 main types of people in Human Design. Most people are Generators, estimated at around 70% of the population. They are the types that are like builders with creative energy to get things done and assist others in their goals. Projectors are the administrators of the world, they excel at bringing people together and how to maximize the potential of others. They make up about 20% of the population. The smallest group is the Reflectors, at 1% of the population, they live up to their name by mirroring the energy of the environment they are in. They are like the cheerleaders helping others to be aware of what needs to be worked on and guiding them to become their best selves.

I have left the remaining 9% for last because I discovered it is what I am. I am a Manifestor. In the times before the discovery of Uranus in 1781, Manifestors were the ones in charge. They are natural leaders in that, unlike the other 3 types, they don’t have to wait for the Universe to give them permission, they can take charge and “manifest” the change they want to see. They initiate where they see fit. After the Uranus discovery, lots of things changed I don’t have a grasp on yet, but Manifestors were removed as the ones in charge as a society didn’t want dictators anymore, but rather more of a democracy of people shaping their lives on a collective level. For those of us that are born Manifestors now, we live on the outskirts of the community and produce the ideas and initiate change still, but leave it to the others to put it into motion and complete it. The problem with Manifestors is that their energy is closed and repelling, meaning that others sense that they are not open to the energies of others so people tend to distrust Manifestors until they get to know them. Historically Manifestors were tyrants, enslaving others to do their bidding. Although that is no longer necessarily true, there is a fear of the strength the energy Manifestors put off.

What this means for me is that as I look back on my life, I can see the big picture of how I showed up as a Manifestor. I go along and learn and gather information until something strikes a chord in me to take action. Then, with the goal in place, I go gang-busters toward it steam-rolling everything to make that goal happen. I am unassuming, compassionate, and friendly but when I want something nothing can stop me from getting it. Once I have obtained my goal, I sit back and go inward again for some time. I can be closed off and a classic introvert when I need to recharge from using my energy so forcefully. Those times can be months or years depending on how much energy I need for the next adventure. During my down times, I am not interested in taking charge, can focus on the mundane aspects of life, and can be somewhat boring just taking in knowledge and not getting excited about anything. Then, all of a sudden, BOOM! I have a goal to accomplish and all of life changes and everything in me explodes in the direction of my goal and I become an extrovert pushing toward my goal with the ferocity of a volcano. It cannot be explained to other types, whose energy is more consistent and reliable.

One of the problems with the world not understanding the different types is that everyone wants others to be like them. So growing up with nothing but Generators around me (literally every family member I have) they didn’t understand me. My ferocity when I dug in, my general energy of independence, and my lack of needing others in any tangible way once I was old enough to dress myself, confused and frustrated those around me. It is very normal for Generator parents to try to break the spirit of Manifestor children, and mine did their best. What that ended up looking like was my being passive and shutting off my thoughts and feelings to people so they weren’t intimidated by my strength. It worked out for me to be able to live in a world of mostly Generators. As a child, most other children didn’t resonate with me and I had a lot of trouble making friends. Learning to hide my strength and show a more adaptable side to people allowed me to have good relationships in the world, which I do not regret in the least.

The only issue I see is in my intimate relationships. Because I am not consistent in my nature, I can rest for quite some time in a more Yin role of compliance where I don’t need to control things. However, once there is something that I do want to focus on and initiate change I am quite dominating and will get downright scary when people stand in my way. Because my very aura is one of strength, I draw men who are more compliant types. However, I have difficulty respecting men who are not able to be strong during the times that I am needing to rest and recover my energy. I am not wanting to lead overall, I just need to be given leeway when I have a goal. I don’t know how to reconcile that and that will remain a focus of my meditations going forward. A true Yang energy man is going to be very unhappy with my closed, repelling aura because a Yang energy man needs a receptive and open Yin woman. Perhaps I need another Manifestor. When we are in our downtime we can read and travel together just enjoying life, but hopefully, we can find goals we both want to accomplish together that will allow us to become an unstoppable force for change and growth in the world. It would be tremendous to have a fellow Manifestor to accomplish goals with because the amount of energy needed would be divided and allow for less burn-out and possibly less down-time in between spurts. That, however, is just a theory. It may very well blow up in my face to be with another person who cannot be stopped if I am not in alignment with their goals.

More to come on Human Design. I cannot recommend enough learning as much as possible about how you operate and show up in the world. It is so freeing to be able to have permission to be me and know how I am seen and understood by others. Because we are conditioned by others who want us to be like them, it is so easy for us not to show up authentically even if we think we are. I have spent the last 5 years trying to become more Yin so that I could find a strong man, however, being more Yin is not what is best for me. I don’t have trouble being Yin, I have trouble coming to terms with my inner strength and not apologizing for it when I do want something. It is completely redirecting how I approach life moving forward now that I have this information.

It is a beautiful thing to give yourself permission to show up how you were designed to show up in the world. There is always room for improvement, so learning to love others and show up in a kind and honoring way is essential. But, not apologizing to anyone about being authentically you is truly a gift to yourself.

Astrology and Myth

Over the last few months I have been doing my best to shore up some of the basics of astrology. I joined a class that meets weekly for a year to go over all the structure and knowledge from the Hellenistic traditional teachings. There are terrific textbooks to go through which help solidify a lot of missing pieces for me. Obviously, I have a long way to go in the class and there is a lot more to learn but what I’m finding is that to really understand astrology it requires a devotion to archetypes and mythology.

When I was learning about the Enneagram, I really enjoyed the depth of it. Not only do you have the 9 different basic types of personality but you have nuances from the other types on either side a person can lean toward. You can go to different types when you’re stressed or when you are very happy. You can have different tendencies even within your own type based on your mental health and state of mind. It then factors in so many other aspects to your type that reveal the extreme complexities that really do make us up as individuals. The only problem I had with the Enneagram is that you can’t really assist other people other than to educate them. I cannot look at my friend or my child and help them determine what type they are on the surface without really understanding their inner mind. It is very easy to mis-type yourself and not easy to type someone else because we are so complex. What I love about astrology is that from someone’s birth chart I can see the various areas of potential growth or pitfalls and then assist from there and although someone may not be exhibiting their chart they cannot choose another one.

However, in looking at someone’s chart it is not enough to see that they have Jupiter in the 12th house or Venus in the 5th. As a student of astrology that does not tell much. Yes, you can derive some information from the basic placements. Being an analytical, logic-minded person I was looking for formulas and checkboxes to be able to read a chart accurately. That may make for a decent reading, or a basic one, but it is not a professional-level reading. I picked up Richard Tarnas’ Cosmos and Psyche book as well as Liz Greene’s The Astrology of Fate. It has become abundantly clear to me to observe the chart like a game board. Stay with me here. My oldest son played Magic and Dungeons and Dragons. Occasionally I would be in the room and hear the process. They had to know, in-depth the characters and what tools and assets they had to offer. They had to know how they interacted with other characters. They would make up scenarios for the game to lay the groundwork of the storyline etc. It was very complex. The same appears to be true of astrology as well. Not only do I need to know that Aries is ruled by Mars but when Venus comes through the 1st house is she welcome? What is it like to live in the territory of Mars and what tools do they have to offer? Are they willing to share the tools with Venus or is Venus rejected and treated like an enemy? Does Venus have power there because she is an outsider? When she moves into a Mercury-ruled house, is she more welcome? Is she treated with respect and given the tools she needs? These are the mental constructs needed to really understand a chart. It takes imagination and knowledge of the archetypes of each character and how they relate.

So, it is my next step in the journey toward astrological mastery to read up on the old mythologies of old. I intend to look into the Greek stories as well as the Jungian archetypes to get a foothold on the various characters and the feelings and tendencies behind the complex personalities of the gods and creatures represented there so that the birth chart comes to life. Granted, my imagination cannot drive someone else’s chart. It still requires their input to confirm that the archetypes are presenting in the way that the chart seems to indicate, but once that is verified it will help in really diving into what the karma and fate of a person’s trajectory truly may be. It is my sincere opinion that unless I can actually assist a person in locating pitfalls and finding their destiny than being an astrologist is really no more than interesting at best.

Another interesting thought I had in relation to the birth chart being like a game was from Liz Greene’s description of Pluto moving through the houses as a person gets older. Pluto starts out in one house and can take 20+ years in each sign as it moves. Where Pluto starts out is an indication of the area of life that is most needed to work on for the person. However, as Pluto ticks through each sign, it creates havoc and upsets all the person’s perception of life and how they find stability. As I was pondering movies/stories that I’m familiar with that may provide some insight I thought of The Hunger Games. In the final book/movie the “players” find themselves in a game that is similar to a clock. As the clock strikes a new hour something crazy and disrupting happens, in some occasions killing characters, burning them, or driving them to another part of the “clock” to ensure they do not get comfortable. Pluto, likewise, can represent chaos and death. Not only actual death but the death of ideas, comfort, relationships, the self/ego etc. It is meant to drive change and force the person to become what they were meant to become. The purpose of The Hunger Games is very different than Pluto. Pluto isn’t attempting to destroy for the sake of punishment. It is looking to take down so it can rebuild better and stronger unless of course death actually occurs. Liz Greene points out that we are at the mercy of Pluto and fighting it will only cause more damage than just accepting the lessons it has to give.

These are the kind of stories that we can look at and relate to as we look at charts and attempt to explain them to the people looking for information within them. As I grow to understand the myths and stories, both new and old, it can give some depth of understanding and a foothold to the person’s ability to relate their lives to those of the characters in the stories. Accepting that we are like Katniss navigating a volatile Pluto transit through the 12th house and gearing up for the battle within is more empowering than just telling someone that Pluto in the 12th house will cause depression and questioning of everything they believe. The house Pluto is transiting through indicates the kind of armor and weaponry we may need to get through it with strength and purpose rather than being battle-torn and wounded. A 20-year transit is no joke and should be taken seriously.

I’m excited about this new adventure. It will require me, as a person, to get in touch with my right brain and weave the left-brained knowledge into something more tangible and interesting. There are no boxes to check or pat answers to give in real astrology. I intend to learn what I need to do to be the best I can be.

February 10, 2021

New Moon in Aquarius

Tomorrow is the new moon this month. As a part of my New Year’s resolution, I intend to write down every new moon up to ten “wishes” that I have for my life. I was given the suggestion to read New Moon Astrology by Jan Spiller by one of my favorite astrologers, Annie Botticelli. The book is filled with suggestions from many different aspects of life to help you decide what to wish for. I have a nice bound journal to keep track of my wishes so I can track if they come true or not. The theory is that the new moon holds special energies that will amplify your desires. Regardless, I believe any time we focus on something we are one step closer to manifesting it in our lives.

The journey from logic to belief is long and arduous. I’m a strongly left-brained, scientific type person who has spent most of my life thinking rather than feeling. I think part of my transition in this life is to tap into my intuition and feelings and balance that with logic and rationality. It is a bit like a tug of war that sometimes makes me feel either insane or in need of medication. However, as I lean into it I am starting to feel better footing.

One of my wishes is to exhibit more feminine qualities. I am looking back at my 24-year marriage that ended and thinking through all the things that could have been done differently. One of the most glaring issues that I’m discovering is the balance of masculine and feminine energy in our marriage. I’ve recently been listening to YouTube videos by John Gray, author of all the Men are From Mars books. He really lines out the roles the genders should be playing and just how very wrong we end up getting it in relationships. Listening to him, it really is no wonder I have such a strong desire to not be married anymore.

My parents set the stage wrong. Although my dad was capable of strong masculinity my mother was the typical bossy, controlling wife that didn’t delight in what my dad provided and shamed and manipulated him into not wanting to do anything for her. As a young wife, I thought that it was my job to do all the cleaning, cooking, and caretaking. I had low expectations of my husband providing anything for me because I never saw my dad do much of anything for my mom or the family outside of work. According to John Gray in a properly balanced relationship, the man always gives more than the woman. There may be defined roles, but if there were a way to quantify who was doing more in the relationship the man would take the heavy end. In the “old days” it meant the husband went to work to provide the house and all the possessions and the wife took care of those possessions in gratitude. I am NOT in favor of the old ways. I am very happy I was born into a world of gender equality. However, in a perfect world it was a beautiful way for the woman to have freedom to live each day as she saw fit making sure the house ran smoothly and the man bore the brunt of obligation. I say this with dreamy eyes because the reality for me was working full-time, taking complete care of my children, handling all the cleaning and mental load of running a family/household/finances (not to mention all the decision making) and my husband went to work for 8 hours a day, cooked dinner (mostly), and then spent the rest of his time with feet up resting. The imbalance laid the bulk of responsibility at my feet and I became more and more stressed and resentful.

According to Gray, When a woman is stressed, her estrogen drops and she takes on the more masculine role (which diminishes her sex drive). When a man isn’t giving more than a woman in the relationship his testosterone drops and he develops more feminine qualities in the relationship (which makes him lazy). Both of those hormonal responses produce depression and more stress in the genders. True happiness and fulfillment happens when the woman is producing strong estrogen (which means she feels sexy) and the man is producing strong testosterone (which gives him the energy to DO things). Sadly, when you’ve practiced the wrong habits for so long the only answer seems to be divorce and to try to get it right with the next person. Habits are so strongly engrained it is nothing short of a miracle to get a couple to stop dancing that same dance, like my parents, who never learned a new dance.

I recognize that although I didn’t know better, it was my fault for allowing myself to take on more stress than I could handle and not expect more from my husband. My personality is on the neurotic side of the spectrum, so I take on more and more responsibility to prove my worth. Or at least I did. As I transition from logic to intuition my desire to take care of myself and allow for my joy and rest to take more of a central role in my life increases. I expect less of myself and oddly my self-worth is increasing rather than decreasing. I am feeling the supreme peace of knowing that there is a “good enough” in my view instead of striving for unobtainable perfection. I can honestly say that meditation replaced the need for medication to achieve a non-neurotic life.

So, as tomorrow approaches and I set about to determine what my new moon wishes will be for this month I am focusing on learning to embrace femininity. Not out of selfishness, or even resentment toward lazy men, but knowing that by finding my own value and joy and I can actually bring value and joy to my next relationship. Yes, it will be my wish to find that lucky guy to test out my new-found knowledge, but not out of neediness. In this beautiful new moon, an absence of something, I have found wholeness.

December 31, 2020

A NEW YEAR OUTLOOK

It seems important to take time at the end of a year to reflect on what I’ve learned and the growth or challenges of life so as to move forward with intention. In years past, working for myself, I didn’t take much time to reflect. I was gang-busters on getting shit done. I’m thankful that I have a job that I can take PTO and sit and drink my coffee in the morning quiet of my apartment and just be.

That is one of my New Year’s resolutions. Learn to just be. I truly want to embrace whether astrology is what it claims to be. I spent 15 years neck-deep in the Christian Bible trying to sort out how I feel about religion and came out the other side realizing that there is so much more than that box can hold. It doesn’t mean it isn’t a valid box to sit in, but as I’ve stated elsewhere truth is truth at all levels, not just the one we are camping on. I recall that people I met along the Christian path made all eastern thoughts such as yoga or astrology out to be evil. One of my more stubborn traits is that if you tell me something is wrong, I’m going to explore it to figure out why I should believe that. I don’t take things a face value, if it is important I will deep dive in to figure it out. It must be the insanely strong Sagittarius nature I have. 5 of my placements are in Sag, making me seek truth above all things. Astrology may be just an indicator of possibilities, but I would like to explore how those posibilities actually play out to get a sense of what may come moving forward. It isn’t a crystal ball, but it can be useful none the less. It is worth my focus for a while to see if it is both trustworthy and true.

According to my astrological predictions of 2021, my progressed moon is moving into Scorpio for 2021. I need to learn more about how that all works, but apparently it means I will be more emotional. Moon in Scorpio. . . seems like sending a scientist into a daycare center. Chaos reigns! There is very little logic and no way to contain it. I look forward to emotional growth and learning to deepen my ability to understand myself better. It perhaps will deepen my interest in astrology and other psychological endeavors. I am hoping it will increase my ambitions since Mars rules Scorpio. I have spent the last couple of years feeling listless in setting goals so with any luck I will be able to truly figure out what I want for the next phase of life. The Moon in Libra, that I’m moving out of, explains why I was so set on keeping the peace and not rocking the boat in my relationships. Even in moving out of my house and leaving my husband I did it in a very peaceful and non-confrontational way. It also explains why the turmoil with my daughter during the Spring COVID shut-down was so difficult for me. I’m actually looking forward to embracing the ability to have constructive conflict and not feel the need to make everyone else comfortable for a while. It also seems like a great time to take up dating! That will be a roller-coaster of emotions I haven’t felt for 30 years and this time I am much more grounded and mature in understanding myself.

As I listen to the predictions for both Virgo and Sagittarius in 2021 it appears my energies will get off the hook with some of the more negative tones of the year. The over arching idea of 2021 appears to be that it will be better than 2020 but only in that it is unpredictable in nature fluctuating up and down rather than the “under the thumb” feeling of 2020. Steve Judd is adamant that January is going to be the hardest hit with some unpredictable nightmares occurring mid-month and then some release of that until September-October when some scary hidden things are going to come to light that will rock the world. November may see some natural disasters and other physical earth changes too. Overall, though, my sign outlook for both Sag and Virgo are very positive as Jupiter is my dominant figure and it is blowing me kisses on both fronts for most of the year.

So, in planning my year, or at least making my resolutions, I want to focus on my own stability and ability to take care of myself. Ever since I got pregnant with my first child I have focused on my family. That appears to be from a strong 4th house and Saturn in Cancer placement. However, something about leaving my husband and two sons and camping with my daughter in my own sanctuary as released me from my bonds of enslavement. Not that I don’t still want to nurture and love my children, but I feel a strong sense of release from being burdened by it. It is like my boundaries have been lifted and instead of trying to reign in and control everything I am feeling a strong sense to let the cards fall where they may. My boys are adults now (my mid son doesn’t turn 18 until June by by in large he is his own man in every way). In discovering the depth of astrology I am learning that they have their own lives to lead. I am now a spectator and although I can call out my observations, it is their game to play. I do not need to shelter or protect them from all the harsh aspects because it just hinders their growth and development. As I have seen in my own life, the earlier you learn the lesson the better it will be for you in the long run. There are SO many lessons to be learned in life and skipping over any of them is a huge disservice.

I see that in my ex-husband’s chart. Although I am still convinced his birth time is wrong, it is impossible to overlook his birth day. As I review all the placements and what they mean and how his life path “should” be according to his chart, he has pretty much missed all his opportunities for growth and completely derailed his path in this life. He is on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces – literally to the hour. Although technically his is Aquarius he exhibits all the Pisces negative qualities. However, the rest of his placements make no sense. I see very little of his life in the interpretations. Why? I believe that childhood trauma brought out the Pisces ability to detach into a dream world took over. He has stuck his proverbial head in the sand and refused to engage in life. As I learn more, I understand where it started. We married when he was 19. That was our first mistake, but I digress. Around 28 is the Saturn return, which causes someone to really question who they are, what they want, and what direction their life is taking compared to their life path and purpose. Because when he was 28 we had 2 small children and he was a stay-at-home dad, he chose to refuse to take up the torch, so to speak. I was the “boss” of the family and he was happy to keep the kids alive during the day and have no real responsibility. That is not his life path and purpose. As our family grew and life continued to get more mundane, he got further and further from who he was supposed to be to the point that he became very unhappy. However, he saw this as “life” in that being a dad and a husband meant that he wasn’t supposed to be happy somehow. Instead of then figuring out his responsibilities and engaging as a father to his children, he checked out. He holed himself up inside his own head, not letting anything or anyone in. He kept his nose to the grindstone of work, after our daughter was born and I chose to stay home with the kids, because he enjoyed it and it suited him, but his home life was completely boring to him.

What is interesting to me as I read the CafeAstrology.com version of “who he is”, I really like that guy. If he had actually become what his chart indicated, if he had met all the challenges and stepped up, embraced conflict in that he fought for his own happiness and become the best version of himself, we would still be together. It is in refusing to see the pressure life was putting on him as helpful, he was squashed by it rather than elevated. I look at my own chart and see it reflects me, scarily, to a T. Although I feel like I’ve failed in a lot of ways, according to my chart I have embraced life’s challenges beautifully and learned the lessons presented thus far. I lived out my South Node (in Capricorn) in my early years, embraced my North Node (in Cancer) during my parenting years and now get to release myself from that burden. I was tortured by my IC being in Scorpio by my Scorpio mother and now my mid-heaven in Taurus can shine with my satisfaction in my physical world.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have a lot to learn still. Equipped with my chart, I know what that is. My Jupiter in my 7th house predicted the end of my 1st marriage and now my Pluto squaring my Venus tells me I have to get comfortable with my emotions. That indicates both having a fear of intimacy and a strong desire for it. I need to move past the fear of it to find it with my next mate. I abhor the thought of dating in that I know I will have to date a lot of different people, which means exposing myself and all my inadequacies to the nth degree. However, it is my next path of growth to put myself out there and find out how to hold on to my energy and not allow other people to toss it around like a boat on the ocean in a storm. I was drawn to my 1st husband because he was stable, emotionally, and did not cause drama. However, intimacy comes from moving through conflict to resolution. I never felt emotionally intimate with him because he was so guarded and we never actually resolved any conflict. After a fight, I never felt closer to him, only more frustrated and lacking in release. I have my children to thank in teaching me that we can have serious disagreements but still be dedicated to each other and come out the other side feeling stronger and more connected. I am not the emotional vampire my mother was, and conflict is not death, as her Pluto nature imposed. I do feel, however, a strong desire to stay completely away from people with strong Scorpio as it feels like regression back to childhood for me.

What have I learned in 2020? My worth is in who I am not what I do. As a Virgo I have an insatiable desire to be useful. I have learned that I am useful and have proven that in every way and no longer need to prove that. Of course, I still have to get things done and do a good job in what I do, but now I see that is innate in who I am not something I have to worry about. I over-do my usefulness to the point that others feel like they don’t have to do things because I’ll take up any slack. That puts me in a position of feeling resentful and lacking in boundaries of what really is mine to do and what really belongs to others that I have taken on. I want to hold on to this notion that I cannot take up other people’s slack without somehow injuring both myself and those I think I’m helping. There is always a time when they cannot do something and helping them is the compassionate thing to do, but knowing when that time is and when it is them just refusing to take responsibility is a supremely important line to understand and not to cross.

I have also learned that I have to step out of my head and engage in life too. I’m not the “head in the sand” person my ex-husband is, but because most of my planet placements are in the southern hemisphere of my chart my life lives in my consciousness not out in the world. It has been a safe-haven and a wonderful first half of my life to really develop my mind and conquer my sub-conscious wiring. Not that I’m an expert, but I’ve done the work. I really feel that it was in physically leaving my husband that I realized action is just as necessary as making the decision in your mind. I left my husband mentally 5 years ago, honestly, but I feared the reality of it and how it would affect my family if I physically left. I realize that the mind is like the sandbox version of a computer program. It is nice to play around and see how it might go to work out bugs and make sure it is what you really want, but it is the production side of the program or life that matters. Until it leaves the storyboard and is physically realized it doesn’t really count. So one step I need to take is in speaking my truth. I spend a lot of time hiding what is really in my mind to “protect” either myself or others from the harshness of who I really am. This has created relationships that aren’t actually real. People don’t actually know me. I blame the fact that my parents and my ex weren’t capable of knowing me no matter what because of their own inability to see reality, but that doesn’t excuse my hiding things from them. I have to put out there who I am and they can either deal with it or ignore it at their leisure and I can choose to spend time with them or not depending on their reaction. However, until I put it out there we can’t know what will really happen.

So, in summary, 2021 will be a year of honesty and of self-acceptance both mentally and physically. I am who I am and those who appreciate that will stick around and those that don’t will fall away but I’m not taking responsibility for anyone but me and showing up as the real me. Dating will test this and hone it and helps me fight against my tendency to hide and pull back from those who would energetically deminish me. It will be rough for sure, but I want to embrace my Sagittarius nature and have fun with it. I want to be playful and enjoy getting to know people on a different level. To really embrace my Jupiteriousness (not a real word!) I need to seek truth not only internally but live it externally. Carpe Diem!!

December 21, 2020

Winter solstice, shortest day of the year, and this year it marks the convergence of both Jupiter and Saturn in the sky. They will look almost like one planet even though they are millions of miles a part. This is the first time they have been in this position in 800 years and in addition to being significant by themselves they are both entering into the house of Aquarius. Yes, I am interested in astrology now.

I have spent the better part of my adult life trying to figure myself and other people out. It never ceases to amaze me how different people can be and how diverse they can be. I started learning about the 4 quadrant typing system, DISC is the one that comes to mind but there are so many variations of this system and they go by many names. However, that is like saying it is a 2-story house or a ranch style. It doesn’t describe the size, neighborhood, color etc. It just gives you a framework to mentally understand a few of the dimensions. It is important the same way knowing if someone is an introvert or an extravert. It sheds light on otherwise confusing differences in people. I, however, need more.

I have looked at Myers-Briggs. I think it is very helpful from a career perspective because it goes into details about work style and communication. If you are an ISTJ (as I am) you will not likely go into sales. If you do, you will be supremely unhappy because it just isn’t “who you are”. With 16 different types in Myers-Briggs it helps to really dig a little deeper to pinpoint some more unique differences between people. However, it doesn’t really take into consideration upbringing and influences that life throws at you to help you become more balanced. The typical ISTJ is someone who lacks in the people skills department so they focus on facts and data. They make great accountants and scientists, which is why I went into finance where I can both analyze and be neck deep in data. However, my life influences have given me the ability to teach and counsel and be able to break down the steps into understandable sections to show other people how to do things. I thrive when I’m training others and being able to see them understand what I’m showing them. That is not necessarily common to ISTJ. There comes a point in these kinds of models where you can’t just type-cast a person based on a test or you may overlook some really important factors.

The Enneagram has been my favorite for several years due to the depth and breadth it offers. Not only are there 9 specific personality types but it shows how people will change when they are doing well or doing poorly. It also shows the different directions they may lean within their personality toward the one next to them on the wheel. I do find it very validating and the most compelling is the levels of health it dives into. A healthy Type 1, for example, is humanitarian and eager to “fix” the world on a selfless level. However, an unhealthy Type 1 is judgmental and negative to a pretty strong degree. People live on the spectrum each day but the Enneagram gives guidance to how a person may be drifting downward on the levels as to how to bring themselves back up. What works for a Type 1 will not work for a Type 3 to improve their levels. The key to the Enneagram is knowing which one you are. It is easy to mis-type yourself. People have a problem with not seeing themselves in reality. They may not like aspects of themselves so they project different behaviors so they feel better about who they are. If you mis-type yourself it is really pointless to use the Enneagram. As with the other two systems you really need the help of someone who really knows you to tell you if a type fits.

So, what about astrology? People read a lot about their horoscope and most people know the basics about their sun sign just because it is fairly common now. However, the sun sign is really misleading. I am a Sagittarius and for most of my life, that just didn’t fit me. Yes, I do like to travel but I’m a solid home-body who likes consistency. I do like my freedom, but it expresses itself in a very muted fashion. It is more of a freedom of the mind and choices rather than a physical freedom. It wasn’t until I discovered that the rising sign (ascendant) is what your personality really is that it made sense. I am a Virgo rising, which explains my attention to detail and my organization as well as my need to do everything the “right” way. The sun sign is your path to growth. As a Virgo I need to lighten up and embrace a fun-loving side to honor my Sagittarius nature. I see the struggle for both and know that is things like picking up and moving my family across the country (twice) that my Sagittarius-ness came out. My hopping on a plane and wandering around London by myself for 4 days (and loving it!) shows my gypsy side. My day to day presence is defined by the Virgo.

Astrology is so much more detailed, and confusing, so it is not for the faint of heart. Once you get a full natal chart and see the planets spread out and find out their locations all mean something entirely different for you than for other people your head might spin a bit. However, if you actually understand what they all mean, you find a lot of details that the other systems miss. You also are what you are. I know my birth date and time and that isn’t going to change. I cannot mis-type my astrology chart. One interesting thing to note is that you can not become your astrology chart. Depending on your traumas in life, and your willingness to let life shape you, you can end up on a path that is different than your chart. So, if your chart doesn’t resonate with you, it would be best to really look into what happened in your life that pushed you away from realizing your true potential – because the chart is a map to becoming the best you. And you always have a choice. However, if you choose not let life shape you there is no chance you are happy about it. There will always be a feeling that a piece of you is missing because you literally amputated your real self somewhere along the way. You can use the chart to understand where you do need to go and do your best to get back on track. You can find the missing pieces and repair the damage if you are intentional and dedicated.