Don’t Over Think It

December 2, 2022

Have you ever noticed that people who are oblivious seem to be protected by the Universe? I have been in awe so much of my life by people who are not big thinkers just going about life with invisible bumpers on them that seem to protect them. For example, my mother is a very frustrating and not particularly evolved person but she believes God will provide her with parking spaces and protect her from harm. She drives like a blind, drunk sailor. However, she rarely has any problems arise and when she does she skates through it without major conflict. It is like 1,000 angels are surrounding her car making sure she gets to where she is supposed to go. People she interacts with feel sorry for her and cut her a break, even though she isn’t particularly nice. She just exudes “take care of me” and those around her do.

Certainly, you’ve seen other people like that. The airheads that it never occurs to them that they don’t deserve less and end up with a great partner and the amazing life that they neither earned nor really even seem to appreciate. They just expect that life will provide for them, and it does. Conversely, you know the one who is like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh who walks around expecting disaster and seems to find every negative thing that life has to offer. The rain cloud of disappointment just lurks above them waiting for the crap of life to fall. They expect life to piss on them and they exude the attitude of “treat me badly” and those around them do.

Do you see a trend? I have been listening to YouTube videos from Abraham Hicks and am finally realizing that having positive thoughts is not just a “sort of” thing. It is a way of life if you want good things to happen. It also appears that the more thoughts you put into something, the more you are likely to fowl it up. Having spent time learning from Joe Dispenza, there really is something to setting an intention in your meditation and then dropping it. Be like the airhead that assumes the Universe is waiting like a lap dog to provide for you and expect it to happen without overthinking it. When we overthink things, it is like the hover-mother critiquing every move of their poor child trying to get something done. Imagine that you’re making the Universe nervous and it can’t do its best with you looking over its shoulder giving instructions on every step. Set it and forget it!

As a side note, have you ever noticed that when you are around some people you are compelled to treat them in a certain way? I have a son that exudes negativity so I am compelled to argue with him and push him regardless of whether he “deserves” it. I have met people that I felt compelled to be unkind to, and even if I didn’t follow my notion I disliked them for no reason. I was amazed by a lady I met recently who just radiated to be ignored. It was so hard to even want to talk to her. We really need to be careful about where our thoughts go because they become the magnet for how we are treated.

It is my intention to continue to emit a positive attitude that I believe the Universe can and will bless me greatly. It isn’t about deserving or achieving, any more than our children have to deserve or achieve for us to give to them. I find ways to bless my children because they exist and I love them. Yes, if they behave badly there are consequences just like if I choose something that isn’t for my highest good I may suffer for it. However, the Universe is ready and waiting to bless us if we open our hearts and minds to be blessed. Regardless of getting a good parking place, we may just find that other people are more apt to like us!

Eclipse Season

2022.11.08

I woke up early this morning to try to see the lunar moon eclipse. At the peak of the eclipse the clouds were covering the moon so I was unable to glimpse it, but about an hour after the peak, it came out of the clouds and I was able to view it fully for a while. I don’t know if it is an energy thing or just my fascination with the moon but I am drawn to eclipses. I remember many years ago when my kids were young pulling them out on the front porch of our house in the middle of the night to see the beautiful full eclipse. The moon looked so round in the sky with its red hue. Although I see the moon regularly it looks more like a disk rather than a ball, but something about that night’s eclipse really accentuated the roundness of the ball in the sky and made it feel more profound.

Astrologers speak of the eclipse season as giving us opportunities to remove the unwanted and call in what we need in our lives. Currently, the eclipses are centered around Taurus/Scorpio so there is a lot involved in stability, money (ours and other people’s), and our shadow sides. Ever since the eclipse last May I have felt a strong pull toward being more authentically me. I have realized how I have not fully and completely accepted myself over the years and it is forefront in my consciousness that doing so is essential to the next steps in my life.

One way this has shown up for me is in discovering I am a Manifestor in Human Design and my INFJ in Myers-Briggs. In my marriage and being a parent, I conformed to my idea of what those roles should look like. I chose to make myself domestic and serve my family because I felt that it was my responsibility. Of course, being the best I could be as a wife and mother is honorable. However, I did so in a way that was not honoring to my own energy. Ironically Manifestors and INFJs have a lot in common. I did a poll on a Facebook page for Manifestor women and over 80% had NF in their function stacks. One, I don’t have consistent energy. So getting up every day and taking care of kids and putting my needs aside was extremely difficult and burned me out entirely. However, getting up and going to a job every day is very hard on my energy as well. I’m not sure there are a lot of options for people who are not a trust-fund babies to have difficulties in this world. Two, Manifestors and INFJs are not meant to fit in with the generator world. I spent far too much time trying to provide a life that was ordinary so my kids would fit in. In doing so I never felt like I belonged.

My commitment to myself for this eclipse season is to honor my own energy. I will no longer apologize for being unique and strong. I have had so many people comment to me that I am the rock in their life. I provide stability and depth. They look to me to set the example of how to live, so I need to just live authentically. Trying to conform around anyone or any “agenda” is not authentic at all. I set my intention this eclipse season to fully and completely accept myself as I am. I can’t really be anything else (well) so let’s give it a go!

Manifestor Mania

It’s been a few months since I learned about being a Manifestor. I belong to a few Facebook groups that are supportive of both Manifestors in general and women Manifestors specifically. However, beyond Facebook and a few scant YouTube videos, there is not really a lot of information about what it means to live a Manifestor life. It is almost like everyone who is not a Manifestor is reluctant to even speculate what we go through, or assume our lives are amazing. Those who are Manifestors cannot be bothered to recount their struggles.

In Human Design they talk about deconditioning. This is the process where when you learn about your type you then spend the next few years (up to 7) learning how to live according to your design. So, as a Manifestor who was surrounded by Manifesting Generators, I need to learn to follow my urges to initiate things as well as follow my inner authority and ignore pretty much everyone else. Do what I want, when I want without being told what to do by anyone and, apparently, I’ll be happy then, as long as I don’t mind being alone. As I look back on my teenage and college years, I did live a Manifestor life. I did what I wanted when I wanted (within the parental framework) and didn’t follow the advice of other people most of the time. It was a very lonely life. I usually had one friend at a time, never groups, and they would rotate out and be replaced fairly often. It wasn’t until halfway through college I made some guy friends that I formed a group with and enjoyed a strong connection with. I was in a relationship with who I was to marry, so it was all plutonic, but it was great having my two best friends be men. After that, I started working full-time and, in retrospect, did my best to adopt a Generator lifestyle in order to fit in.

Fitting in after college wasn’t so successful. I found various groups, whether social or church groups, to belong to and made a concerted effort to blend in and make friends so I could feel a part of things. I did this not just for myself but for my family. Again, in retrospect, it never felt right. Human Design calls it the not-self. I really felt constantly out of place even when those around me accepted me. I made all kinds of efforts against my nature to pursue relationships with female friends that I didn’t really like so I could be accepted. They felt it, I felt it, and they interpreted that as me being fake. Which I guess I was. However, my desire to belong was so strong I was motivated to find a way to make it work. Until I didn’t. A point came when I was heavily involved in a homeschool group that I did finally achieve my “belongingness” and I was suddenly hit with such unhappiness. I realized that making such a strong effort to be a part of something that I didn’t feel good about belonging to was causing me a great deal of stress. We ended up moving states about that time, so I bowed out graciously. From that point forward I only made half effort at belonging in various places until I felt the desire, which was rare and not consistent over time. I would belong for a while and then slowly my desire would fade and I’d move on to something else.

Now that I know about Human Design I am attempting to follow my urges and initiate when I want to. I haven’t really wanted to. I think part of it is astrology based in that my progressed Moon is in Scorpio (and I am fire/earth/air predominantly) so it feels like I’m slogging through quicksand mentally and physically. I’ve been tired and lazy for almost two years now. I also think it is recovery from pushing myself to take care of everyone and everything for so long as a wife and mother that after I left my ex-husband I just collapsed and need to not be responsible for anything for a while. I never imagined it would be two + years to recover, so I’m hoping I will feel better when my progressed Moon moves into Sagittarius in March 2023.

I am determined to follow my inner authority as a Manifestor. My concern is that means I will live a largely solitary life. My daughter is in high school, and with any luck, will be off doing her own thing with her own life in a few years. That means I will have no one in my home to be a part of my daily life unless I meet a new mate. Although it doesn’t scare me to be alone, it does feel very wrong to me. I have spent my whole life caring for other people to the detriment of my own sanity and health. While I have learned to take better care of myself, I don’t know how to not have someone else to care for. Life should be about interacting and caring for other people, shouldn’t it? It is healthy to want to have people around that you can support and be supported by, right? I’m not sure if that is entirely true for a Manifestor.

Here is the problem, to be true to our authority we cannot be told what to do. We cannot be asked to do things. We initiate what we want when we feel the urge to do so. Technically other types are supposed to respond to what we initiate. Theoretically, this would be beautiful if we like being a crazy tyrant who is authoritarian, but what about those of us sensitive types who really like people and don’t want to boss them around all the time? I’ve spent the last 30 years trying to stop being so bossy because people didn’t like me, only to realize that I don’t really like most people. (#misanthropic altruist) In our society, being bossy isn’t really appreciated and, conversely, I don’t like having to tell people what to do all the time. Hence why it is largely believed that Manifestors should just stay on the fringe of society doing their own thing. Having a closed and protective aura makes this even more likely because most people can’t figure us out and therefore are not as apt to invite a Manifestor into their lives. As I have joined various hiking Meetup groups, when I meet ladies I’d like to be friends with they make little to no attempt to maintain a friendship, unless I initiate. Is it my protective aura or a natural inclination subconsciously that makes Generators just wait for me to do all the initiating? If I don’t push things forward, they don’t happen.

As a female Manifestor trying to date, how do I find a man that will let me initiate AND let me be the feminine energy in the relationship? Combine that with the Generator qualities that I’ve adopted and I think the men that I meet are really confused by me. They get the sense that I’m strong and confident, but I am also feminine and a caretaker so they really don’t know how to approach me or move forward if they are interested in me. However, I absolutely do not want a man who wants me to tell him what to do. Initiating should imply I have ideas and urges that I am meant to follow, not being bossy and in control. Perhaps in my younger years I took on bossy, and now that I’m more mature I can see being a Manifestor as more of a force, like the wind blowing through the lives of those around me.

I recall hearing Ra Uru Hu on the Manifestor Manifesto recording state that he felt really sorry for Manifestor women. I now get why. I hope to recount my journey here on deconditioning and hopefully, some other ladies new to Human Design will appreciate learning that the journey is worth it. I hope it is worth it in the end. I just hope that I will find peace but I will also find companionship and fulfillment.

July 29, 2022

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

That phrase usually means that something bad happened after you wished for something good. Not this time. It is interesting how life can meander and go in completely different directions than we anticipate. Learning about Human Design has been a huge eye-opener for me. It explains so much of my life and the difficulties that I had as a child. As I am coming to terms with the reality of having a closed and protective aura being that I am a Manifestor, I am having so many “a-ha” moments. All this knowledge likely stems from going to the Joe Dispenza conference in Denver in May. As part of our meditations, we were supposed to have a goal in our minds to meditate on and mine was to clear any blocks I may be having to fulfill my life purpose. Learning about Human Design is like finding the hidden door in the attic to a bunch of treasures you didn’t know about but were actually there all the time.

When I was a child I felt very much alone. In my family, I felt unseen, unheard, and unappreciated. This is an extremely common complaint of Manifestor children and I’m realizing that the closed aura makes it very difficult for family and friends to predict what the mani-child is thinking or what they will do next. I was listening to a YouTube interview of a Manifestor (from London) and she said the best way to describe it is that when we walk into the room people cannot tell if we want to sit and have a cup of tea or we want to kill them. Let that sink in. People can’t read if we hate them, love them, want to kill them or are delighted with them by our expressions because our aura hides everything and people sense there is more going on underneath than they can understand so they make their own assumptions. As an insecure, awkward child people would just avoid me. Other children would get uncomfortable around me and not want to play with me. A closed aura makes people uncomfortable. Knowing this is profound because now I can forgive everyone who rejected me because they had no idea who I was or what was going on with me so they could not see my innocence or my compassion and good nature because I was shy and quiet. On a positive note, I was not bullied. That was likely because people didn’t know what I was capable of and didn’t want to make the mistake of finding out.

Another “a-ha” moment for me was realizing why I draw people who are prone to projection. The people I have felt unseen by are the ones who tend to see other people as movie screens playing out whatever is going on inside them. For example, my mother would tell me what I was thinking and feeling (instead of asking me) based on how she was thinking and feeling. It made me so angry that she never understood me and gaslighted me constantly into mirroring back to her what was untrue for me. However, as a protection mechanism, I refused to tell her what I was thinking and feeling so she couldn’t turn it against me or shame me for the differences between us. She was then left with nothing to go on except her own feelings and it then reinforced her delusion that I was a mirror of her rather than being entirely different. If we look at the universe as providing lessons in life, I was given this kind of mother to force me to be more open and honest with other people. I was just stubborn and refused to learn it sooner.

As for friends and romantic partners, I have always been frustrated that I end up with people who don’t seem to care what I think or how I feel. Now that I have a clear understanding of how I show up, I realize that people who want intimacy and true connection cannot tell up front if that is something I can deliver. Being that I was unhealthy and not self-aware in my early years, I repelled the people that could have been there for me because I wouldn’t open up and let them in (by informing them of my thoughts and feelings). The ones that were left were the ones that are so wrapped up in themselves that they really just needed someone to be there to confirm their own thoughts and feelings. Because I didn’t learn the lesson from my mother I was given my ex-husband, a Manifesting-Generator. He also was not open or revealing about his thoughts and feelings but he has something of black-hole energy in that he is so inwardly focused that he draws sympathy from others. He gives the impression that he wears his heart on his sleeve and is in touch with his emotions, even though he cannot actually express them. Everyone in his life feels compelled to take care of him because of his ultra-sensitivity, like a wounded puppy. It was perfect for me because neither of us made the other one uncomfortable and we went our entire marriage without really knowing what the other one was thinking or feeling. We both projected on the other one and never contradicted each other outwardly. It wasn’t until I became more self-aware and started expressing my feelings and trying to understand him that I realized how far apart we really were!

Fortunately, I have very different relationships with my children than my mother or ex-husband. I learned when my kids were little that if I informed them of my plans, my thoughts, and my expectations up front things went more smoothly. Being that I homeschooled my kids, I spent a lot of time sharing my thoughts, feelings, and opinions as a means of educating them. My love language is physical touch so they got lots of hugs and kisses, and I intuitively was able to verbally affirm my love and support for them. Some children of Manifestor mothers struggle to feel loved by them because of their closed aura, which is heartbreaking.

So, thank you Joe Dispenza! The result of my weekend retreat is that I now know that I need to be more forthcoming with my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis to have the relationships I want and ease the path toward my purpose. I will also be able to test people for their ability to not project on me and actually show interest when I inform them of my thoughts and feelings. It is interesting because I have no reservations now in telling people anything they want to know about me and am a very open person. However, I have been waiting for them to ask. Them asking equates to initiating in the Human Design world and everyone except Manifestors are not meant to initiate. It hurt my feelings that they didn’t initiate but now I can inform them that I am open and ready to divulge information and it will open the door to better communication and deeper intimacy with those around me. I am still seeking my ultimate purpose in a practical sense, but in a grand scheme, it is to be 100% true to myself and my own energies and initiate when the urge to do so hits me. It will be an adventure!

July 14, 2022

Masculine or Feminine? That is the question.

I was out on my balcony this morning drinking my coffee and enjoying the cool air before the temperatures get into the 90s today. I have trees surrounding my third floor balcony that overlooks a courtyard at my complex. There are always squirrels or birds that like to play on the branches and I really enjoy watching them. This morning there were two squirrels on one of the trees. One was actively chasing the other one around. It became clear that one was male and was wanting to procreate with the female. She would stop for a bit and he would get close to her. She would run off and stop, wait for him to get close again and then run off. He seemed playful at first but after some time he got impatient and made it clear her running away was no longer an option. They looked like they were wrestling the way they were rolling around with her trying to get away, but it wasn’t angry or violent. It was foreplay.

Not to say that I have a deep interest in the mating habits of squirrels, but I do have a deep interest in what it means to be masculine vs. feminine. I spent my younger years warding off the feminine because I saw my mother display it so poorly. She loves to play the victim and “help me” feminine side but then becomes manipulative and controlling with it rather than truly appreciating the help she receives. I was so angry and resentful of her “feminine” behavior that I swore I would never be like that. I didn’t realize at my young age that she was exhibiting a very unhealthy behavior and that true femininity is nothing like that.

I recently was messaged through an online dating sight by a man who was interested in my comments on my being in touch with my feminine. He, apparently, is currently reading a book on healthy masculinity and was intrigued. We had a lovely conversation and it has me thinking a lot more about what I actually am and want to be. It is a feminine woman’s desire to be pursued. I think the unhealthy side has produced all the extreme push to look good to a man so a woman can be desired sexually. It absolutely makes a woman feel good to know that a man desires her, but healthy relationships are about being desired for all aspects not just physical ones.

It seems that most of the world today has blurred lines as to what is the correct roles people are to play. Of course, a man is more than welcome to take the feminine role and allow a woman to pursue him. The problem is when a man wants to lead or doesn’t provide the sensuality in a relationship if he is the feminine. Men who want to be chased and then still want to call the shots in the relationship will be met with resistance. You have to pick one role or the other, you really cannot have both. Just like a woman who is masculine cannot be aggressive and lead with her man and then expect him to step up and take responsibility. That was my mistake. Because I was feminine-averse in my younger years I made decisions and took the lead, but when my passive husband refused to engage it frustrated me. I chose the role, but didn’t realize the consequences.

As I have spent the last five years learning about healthy femininity I realize the power they have. I always thought the feminine was the weak one. That is only unhealthy femininity. As I watched the squirrels I saw that she had personal power. She went where she wanted, she wandered off in any direction she chose. He made the choice to follow her or not, but it was an active action not a passive one. She stopped and he made his move, then she ran off only to have him chase her some more. He was focused on his determination to have his way with her and kept pursuing but in finally “getting caught” it was clearly her decision to allow it. In dating, the feminine is the prize. The masculine wants something and sees the one he/she wants to acquire. This can be for lots of reasons other than physical pleasure, but it is a desire to acquire either way. In any case, the masculine does not want something that is easy to acquire. The fun is in the chase. They want a feminine to play with them and make it interesting even if they both know where it is going in the end.

I had dinner with my oldest son. He is a masculine guy, although in touch with his feminine side. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and someone at work was interested. She played the masculine role and pursued him vigorously. He has been spending time with her but admitted that he had no real interest in her because she has been the lead in the relationship. He is playing along because he wants the distraction from his recent breakup but the reality is that regardless of the condition of his readiness for a new relationship he would not be attracted to this new girl because she has been so relentless in pursing him. He has the self-awareness to know that if it is too easy for him to obtain (aka it falls in his lap and won’t leave) he doesn’t appreciate it and will get rid of it when it is no longer convenient.

As I am looking to date, I am going to do my best to cultivate my feminine side. I mentioned that it is a struggle because being a Manifestor (HD) I am innately masculine energy through my need and ability to initiate things. However, I want to try to take the feminine role – and be true to it, to see how it feels to me. I will need someone who is very in touch with their feminine side and self-aware. I will still not like to be controlled, because of my Manifestor nature, but I do not like to control and I don’t want to lead in my romantic relationships. Perhaps I will find that I cannot energetically feel attracted to a strongly masculine man. However, I have acquired the desire to be chased. Like the squirrel, there is power in being chased and choosing to get caught and I would like to know what that feels like to feel desired on that level.

July 8, 2022

Are goals necessary?

I’ve lived my life thinking that I have to have goals. I have always been driven by the “next thing” to do or aspect of myself to work on to be a more perfect well-rounded person. In the course of my life every time I strive for more perfection I am faced with the reality that I can never obtain it. There are far too many areas in life that I cannot focus on and once I stop focusing on an area a lot of the skills and mastery I’ve obtained slip away.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a bit of anxiety in that I have nothing on my goal list. I mentioned before that I encountered a mid-life crisis at 45 because of this realization that I didn’t have dreams past my kids growing up. Before, I would get a nagging sensation that I needed to do something, sometimes anything, to alleviate this need for movement and change. As I look at Human Design I have the Channel of Transitoriness (35-36 gates) that is a force for change. The quote from the book I have is “This is an emotional Manifesting channel that defies logic’s caution and restrictive patterns. It will try anything and everything, whether of intrinsic value or not, to get things moving in the direction of a new experience.” This means I am good with change but it also means I can create a crisis where there doesn’t need to be just to feel the experiences it entails.

I am a member of MindValley. It is an awesome resource for a multitude of subjects and I have been a member off and on since 2014. I attribute a lot of my growth, especially spiritually, to MindValley’s quests. I am working through several right now, and the recurring theme of them all is to clear my mind and lean into my intuition to guide me rather than to allow my mind to control things. The mind is not looking out for our best interests most of the time. What if I could just allow life to unfold like watching a movie? What if I could stop creating crises and call in the experiences that will bring me to my fullest potential and life purpose? This is a foreign thought to me. Being a Manifestor I have always pushed the stream and now that I know about being a Manifestor it seems like I have permission to push the stream. Yet, I have to trust that everything that has happened to bring me to this point in my life is not for nothing. Everything happens for a reason, right? I have learned from my astrology chart that I am to surrender to life, not be in the limelight. This life is about my subconscious development, not my conscious fulfillment.

It is my intention to try an experiment. For the next six months, through the end of 2022, I am not going to push anything other than my learning. I will meditate daily and journal about my desire to allow the universe to bring to my attention the things that I am to involve myself in and take part in initiating. I allow myself to completely surrender to what my guides direct me toward and develop my intuition to look for the synchronicities that bring opportunities my way. I will do my best not to push or pull unless I feel the Manifestor urge (a very specific feeling) rather than just nervousness or impatience. What will I be able to look back on at New Year’s and see as the result?

As I contemplate this, I feel at peace. Before, the thought of not having anything to strive for felt like death. I would look at disdain people who just lived purposeless lives going to work, watching TV, going to bed, and starting all over again. Today, the thought of just being rather than having the pressure of accomplishing brings me hope. My whole life I have felt like I had to be useful and do something to find worth. Never, have I ever, felt that I am worthy just for being. I am filled with gratitude for this moment that I am feeling that I am enough. The feeling may pass. I may forget and go back to my old routines, but it gives me hope that this feeling can exist within me and I look forward to being able to come back to it as I practice allowing it.

July 5, 2022

TAROT

Something that has been on my mind for a while is that at this stage of my life other than meeting a life partner that fits who I am now I have accomplished most of what I wanted in my life.

1. I was driven to get a degree and a career so I could support myself financially
2. I knew I had to have children; which allowed me to deal with my family issues and learn boundaries (HD Gate 37)
3. I was able to deep-dive into religion to sort out my beliefs (HD Gate 9 & 11)
4. I homeschooled my children to make learning and growth the focal point of my home (Sag in 4th house stellium)
5. I was a part of, and included in, community through church and homeschool (Gate 37)
6. I resolved my shadow issues through deep dives into psychology and human behavior (Gate 36)
7. I was able to break free of the bonds to my ex-husband (Akashic/karmic bonds from a previous life)
8. I now live in a home that is like a sanctuary, working a job that is financially stable and living a stress-free life able to pursue whatever topic I want to learn about. (Gate 58)

When I turned 45 I went through a mid-life crisis, which prompted my leaving my ex-husband. I blogged about that separately, but the main takeaway was that all my dreams and goals really ended with my kids getting older. I didn’t have any goals that went past getting a divorce and finding a better life partner. It scared me. Fast forward two years and I have done my best to live a peaceful life and situate myself so that I would be who I needed to be to welcome a new life partner. I was feeling like I was ready. However, with the discovery of my Human Design nature and that I am forced to be a Yang/masculine energy woman whether I like it or now, it is causing me to again have a crisis of being. I was fooling myself as to what my life partner would be like and how I would show up.

After my mediation this morning I felt drawn to my Thoth Tarot cards. I am not an expert on Tarot, but I have found Alister Crowley’s Thoth cards to be beautiful and inspiring. Here is the spread:

TAKEAWAYS:

Defeat – “We do not suffer because of a desire to do so, but rather need suffering and defeat as a necessary experience in order to grow by overcoming it. The desire for knowledge is the wish for redemption. Crowley sees this card as the consequences of an attitude that has been too peaceful, whereby the defeat is the price of an exaggerated avoidance of conflicts.”

It isn’t hard to look back and see that I have had an exaggerated avoidance of conflict in my life. I have a strong desire for peace, which is written all over every profile I have ever taken for personality typing. I hope this doesn’t mean that I have to embrace conflict, but I also hope it means that I can be more open to disagreeing with people and stating what I need and want and accept it if the other person is not in alignment not feeling any stress over it. I do feel this card symbolizes that I need to lay to rest my old patterns and what I thought wanted for my life and look for something that may feel uncomfortable but be better for me.

The Devil – “On the level of consciousness, this card shows that we come into contact with our dark side. These are the experiences in which we become aware of our unfreedom and dependency.”

I have been through dark nights of the soul in the past and it resonates with me that I need to go through another one. I need to die to my image of how I show up in the world. I have spent so much time conforming to a Generator world and as a Manifestor, I cannot be effective doing it that way. I have lost sight of my true self and have not relied on my Inner Authority. It will be a difficult and painful process of holding to my kindness and compassion but letting go of my need to please and not ruffle the feathers of those around me. As one Facebook post indicated, I am the conductor of a train. I move forward, I have a destination, I have a purpose that is on rails. Those around me can choose to purchase a ticket and join me or they can stay out of my way, but the train barrels on regardless. I need to find those willing to join me, not seek those I can join. I am not a passenger. That is a really difficult change of thinking for me and it will force me to get back in touch with the strong opinions that I have buried to get along with everyone.

The Universe – “From a psychological perspective, the Universe personifies the waking consciousness and the self-regulating power of the creative self. This allows us to act socially within the surroundings of our community, and process emotionally the creative contractions of eternal transformation.”

This is a relief after the Devil card. At least the darkness I will go through to find my true self will wake my consciousness and allow my creativity to surface. I do desire to find a community that will benefit from my experience and as a Line 6 in my HD Profile, I am destined to be a Role Model. This confirms that the work will result in benefits to others. Here is a quote from Carl Jung under The Universe:

“To experience the Self means that we are always conscious of our own identity. We then know that we can never be anything other than our Self, that we will never lose our Self, and that we can never be estranged from our Self. This is so because we realize that the Self is indestructible, that it is always one and the same, that it cannot be dissolved or exchanged for something else. The Self enables us to remain the same under all circumstances of our life.” AMEN!

July 3, 2022

Half a year down, and I can’t help but wonder what 2022 will be remembered for. 2020 was the year I left my husband. 2021 was a year of deep contemplation and rest where I started diving into astrology and feeling like I am in a cocoon. I recently discovered Human Design which I posted about. I relayed that I discovered I was a Manifestor, which is fairly rare. It is really rocking my world and I want to dedicate posts this year to what that actually means to me and how to live authentically.

Another aspect of Human Design is the “Profile”. Each person has marked profiles associated with their body graph based on their birth chart which is regarded as a basic character pattern that frames a person’s life. It indicates their purpose in life. On an HD chart, there is the personality side (the side you are aware of) and the design side (the side you are typically unaware of but should integrate as you mature). The numbers of the profile are Personality/Design based on the I-Ching of your Sun. There is a lot to it. I only mention it now because of what it means to me as a Manifestor.

I am a 4/6. The 6 in Human Design profiles means that their life is split into 3 categories. The first 28 years (prior to the Saturn Return) are dedicated to exploration. This is basically acquiring all the experiences possible and is directed to do in order to build knowledge of the world. From 28-50 years of age (or the Chiron return), the person will be what is called “on the roof”. This is a period of time where it is less about acquiring and more about observing the experiences of others. They learn to see things as they really are, rather than the idealism of the first stage. That isn’t to say they aren’t acquiring experiences, but the overall knowledge is less personal and more universal. I recently learned that there are stages within this period as well where one is slowly removed from feeling a part of things and moves toward a cocooning phase at the end of the stage. This is where I feel I am now. Once the Chiron return hits, the person is moved off the roof and becomes a role model. The keywords here are “moved off” as in “not by choice”. The person is no longer allowed to remain aloof but gets in the trenches and is involved in other people’s lives again.

My Saturn return occurred at age 29, ending Stage 1. Prior to that time, I felt propelled internally by everything and didn’t really think twice about it. I did what I wanted to do and the people in my life may have put up a fuss, but typically got out of my way. I can say a lot of things about my ex-husband now, but during that stage of my life, he was perfect for me. He went along and supported me to be in charge and do what I wanted. I, of course, did things that he was on board with and we felt like a team because he let me lead and I considered his feelings on what we were doing. However, my 2nd son was born just prior to that and I can pinpoint the downfall of our marriage to starting at that time. I now see I changed at that time, which opened the door to my dissatisfaction with myself, life, and my marriage.

Stage 2, I can see now, began the journey of me questioning myself and who I was and how I “should” show up in the world. I was never much of a joiner prior to this stage. I felt on the outside of most groups except for in college. I didn’t conform to others’ expectations or try to fit in (although I felt bad about not fitting in). It wasn’t because of confidence, I just simply didn’t know how to fit in. Stage 2 is when I got involved at church, women’s ministry, and eventually homeschooling where I ignored my Manifestor qualities and started doing everything in my power to adopt Generator qualities so people would like me. I discovered the 4-quadrant personality typing and started really researching what it was about me that people just didn’t like. I knew it was something, but I really didn’t understand it. Over time, I realized I was blunt and bold and people took that to mean bossy and controlling even though I wasn’t desiring to control them. Generators like conformity. They don’t mind leadership but something about Generators really feel ruffled by Manifestors. I spent several years experiencing what it meant to be included and live like a Generator and it was fulfilling for a while to fit in and feel respected by my peers. However, it completely messed me up on being authentic and I felt it.

Some of the ways trying to be a Generator messed me up was in my marriage. Well-meaning friends in the Christian community saw that I was the “leader” in my marriage and shamed me. They made me feel like I was not obeying God’s commands by taking charge. I spent a lot of years trying to get my husband to step up and lead, which is a role he didn’t sign up for and didn’t want. It wasn’t all in Christian communities either. After I left the church and started my journey into different religions I was a part of an amazing community that introduced me to Pat Allen’s “Getting To I Do” book about feminine and masculine dynamics. I highly recommend the book, but as I was reading it I saw that all the character qualities of a feminine man were not what I wanted (which my ex-husband embodies beautifully!) That meant that in order to be with a masculine man, I would have to be more feminine. I have spent the last 5 years of my life trying to adopt a more feminine, receptive lifestyle. That definitely ended my marriage, not that I regret that. He has no interest in anything spiritual or personal growth, along with some other character qualities I can no longer align myself with so it was part of my journey to disconnect from him. However, as I am in the process of dating and understanding how I need to show up in relationships I realize that although my having softer, more feminine qualities are beneficial it may conflict with being a Manifestor. I need to find the balance between what I want and who I am.

So, starting today I intend to reprogram my expectations of myself and how I am to show up in the world so that I can be authentic to my design. My inner authority is my emotions. Not that I need to make emotional decisions, but that it is better for me to wait until my emotional wave goes through its cycle before I make a decision. I need to feel it is right in my core, not because I am heightened by an emotional response. The first rule here is always to sleep on it if I am in any way uncertain or it doesn’t feel right. Another way is allowing myself to not be accepted or part of the group. It’s okay to be on the outside. I have acquired a friendliness and a warmth I didn’t have in Stage 1 but will assist me a great deal in Stage 3. However, I don’t want to be a joiner, and that is okay. As a role model, I will be a part of a community but it will be as the wise sage not as the ring-leader or community organizer and that is a role I really look forward to and feels right to me.

The reprogramming I am struggling with is in relationships. I dated someone for a few months earlier this year that I really enjoyed. However, I did not show up as a Manifestor. He, however, was not a leader (although he tried for me). Everything about the relationship dynamics felt wrong even though I was really attracted to him and enjoyed his company. We were both unsure of what role we needed to play and never found a rhythm. As a side, we stayed friends, and again, I don’t regret leaving the relationship because it would not be good for me long-term regardless of how I show up. However, after all I have learned and all the ways I have evolved I don’t know how to be a Manifestor in a romantic relationship. I can do it in every other relationship I have, like friendships and my children, etc., but I feel really uncomfortable initiating with men now. I also do not want a weak man who wants to be taken care of by me. I want an equal partner that is not afraid of the times my urge to move forward with something causes me to take charge. I need him to either support me or step out of my way. When I am not propelled by something and in my resting phase, I need someone who is willing to step up and lead so I can rest and not feel like I am carrying the burden of the relationship all the time. I have faith that there is someone out there that can feel like a partner in a dance, rather than a parent/child — like my marriage.

The journey will be difficult and there will be twists and turns. Since my Chiron return is coming up in 2 years, and I will be forced to deal with anything that hasn’t been dealt with before I can come off the roof, taking the time now seems like a worthwhile endeavor. For those who are familiar with astrology, I am a Sagittarius Sun and my progressed Moon has been in Scorpio since December 2020, to move out in March 2023. I need to take the next 10 months to reflect and determine my plan of action in being a Manifestor so that when my Moon leaves Scorpio and moves into Sagittarius and I have the energy and drive I need again I can be authentic and hit the ground running without messing everyone around me up!

Undefined Sacral

Human Design 101

I love seeing the way patterns emerge over time. When you look back over 10, 15, or even 30 years and take a big picture analysis of things you can see how not only you showed up in the world but all the events that directed you along various paths. We may not like what we see, since we tend to want to be something we are not, but if we assess things with a non-judgemental eye we can find out who we are by who we have been. With any luck, we’ve seen personal growth, something like shaving the edges a rock to polish it, but we are still made up of the materials we started with.

I had heard of Human Design through various YouTubers that were into astrology, but because of the depth of it and my being new to astrology, I decided to not pursue learning about it. I belong to a terrific group I found on Meetup called Awkwardly Zen and one of the members does Human Design readings. One might think it was an accident, but in my meditations and due to spending a weekend at a Joe Dispenza conference, I have been focused on what direction my life should take moving forward. In pops Human Design as an answer to that direction I’ve been seeking.

There are 4 main types of people in Human Design. Most people are Generators, estimated at around 70% of the population. They are the types that are like builders with creative energy to get things done and assist others in their goals. Projectors are the administrators of the world, they excel at bringing people together and how to maximize the potential of others. They make up about 20% of the population. The smallest group is the Reflectors, at 1% of the population, they live up to their name by mirroring the energy of the environment they are in. They are like the cheerleaders helping others to be aware of what needs to be worked on and guiding them to become their best selves.

I have left the remaining 9% for last because I discovered it is what I am. I am a Manifestor. In the times before the discovery of Uranus in 1781, Manifestors were the ones in charge. They are natural leaders in that, unlike the other 3 types, they don’t have to wait for the Universe to give them permission, they can take charge and “manifest” the change they want to see. They initiate where they see fit. After the Uranus discovery, lots of things changed I don’t have a grasp on yet, but Manifestors were removed as the ones in charge as a society didn’t want dictators anymore, but rather more of a democracy of people shaping their lives on a collective level. For those of us that are born Manifestors now, we live on the outskirts of the community and produce the ideas and initiate change still, but leave it to the others to put it into motion and complete it. The problem with Manifestors is that their energy is closed and repelling, meaning that others sense that they are not open to the energies of others so people tend to distrust Manifestors until they get to know them. Historically Manifestors were tyrants, enslaving others to do their bidding. Although that is no longer necessarily true, there is a fear of the strength the energy Manifestors put off.

What this means for me is that as I look back on my life, I can see the big picture of how I showed up as a Manifestor. I go along and learn and gather information until something strikes a chord in me to take action. Then, with the goal in place, I go gang-busters toward it steam-rolling everything to make that goal happen. I am unassuming, compassionate, and friendly but when I want something nothing can stop me from getting it. Once I have obtained my goal, I sit back and go inward again for some time. I can be closed off and a classic introvert when I need to recharge from using my energy so forcefully. Those times can be months or years depending on how much energy I need for the next adventure. During my down times, I am not interested in taking charge, can focus on the mundane aspects of life, and can be somewhat boring just taking in knowledge and not getting excited about anything. Then, all of a sudden, BOOM! I have a goal to accomplish and all of life changes and everything in me explodes in the direction of my goal and I become an extrovert pushing toward my goal with the ferocity of a volcano.

One of the problems with the world not understanding the different types is that everyone wants others to be like them. So growing up with nothing but Generators around me (literally every family member I have) they didn’t understand me. My ferocity when I dug in, my general energy of independence, and my lack of needing others in any tangible way once I was old enough to dress myself, confused and frustrated those around me. It is very normal for Generator parents to try to break the spirit of Manifestor children, and mine did their very best. What that ended up looking like was my being passive and shutting off my thoughts and feelings to people so they weren’t intimidated by my strength. It worked out for me to be able to live in a world of mostly Generators. As a child, most other children didn’t resonate with me and I had a lot of trouble making friends. Learning to hide my strength and show a more adaptable side to people allowed me to have good relationships in the world, which I do not regret in the least.

The only issue I see is in my intimate relationships. Because I am not consistent in my nature, I can rest for quite some time in a more Yin role of compliance where I don’t need to control things. However, once there is something that I do want to focus on and initiate change I am quite dominating and will get downright scary when people stand in my way. Because my very aura is one of strength, I draw men who are more compliant types. However, I have difficulty respecting men who are not able to be strong during the times that I am needing to rest and recover my energy. I am not wanting to lead overall, I just need to be given leeway when I have a goal. I don’t know how to reconcile that and that will remain a focus of my meditations going forward. A true Yang energy man is going to be very unhappy with my closed, repelling aura because a Yang energy man needs a receptive and open Yin woman. Perhaps I need another Manifestor. When we are in our downtime we can read and travel together just enjoying life, but hopefully, we can find goals we both want to accomplish together that will allow us to become an unstoppable force for change and growth in the world. It would be tremendous to have a fellow Manifestor to accomplish goals with because the amount of energy needed would be divided and allow for less burn-out and possibly less down-time in between spurts. That, however, is just a theory. It may very well blow up in my face to be with another person who cannot be stopped if I am not in alignment with their goals.

More to come on Human Design. I cannot recommend enough learning as much as possible about how you operate and show up in the world. It is so freeing to be able to have permission to be me and know how I am seen and understood by others. Because we are conditioned by others who want us to be like them, it is so easy for us not to show up authentically even if we think we are. I have spent the last 5 years trying to become more Yin so that I could find a strong man, however, I don’t have trouble being Yin, I have trouble coming to terms with my inner strength and not apologizing for it when I do want something. It is completely redirecting how I approach life moving forward now that I have this information.

It is a beautiful thing to give yourself permission to show up how you were designed to show up in the world. There is always room for improvement, so learning to love others and show up in a kind and honoring way is essential. But, not apologizing to anyone about being authentically you is truly a gift to yourself.