Don’t Over Think It

December 2, 2022

Have you ever noticed that people who are oblivious seem to be protected by the Universe? I have been in awe so much of my life by people who are not big thinkers just going about life with invisible bumpers on them that seem to protect them. For example, my mother is a very frustrating and not particularly evolved person but she believes God will provide her with parking spaces and protect her from harm. She drives like a blind, drunk sailor. However, she rarely has any problems arise and when she does she skates through it without major conflict. It is like 1,000 angels are surrounding her car making sure she gets to where she is supposed to go. People she interacts with feel sorry for her and cut her a break, even though she isn’t particularly nice. She just exudes “take care of me” and those around her do.

Certainly, you’ve seen other people like that. The airheads that it never occurs to them that they don’t deserve less and end up with a great partner and the amazing life that they neither earned nor really even seem to appreciate. They just expect that life will provide for them, and it does. Conversely, you know the one who is like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh who walks around expecting disaster and seems to find every negative thing that life has to offer. The rain cloud of disappointment just lurks above them waiting for the crap of life to fall. They expect life to piss on them and they exude the attitude of “treat me badly” and those around them do.

Do you see a trend? I have been listening to YouTube videos from Abraham Hicks and am finally realizing that having positive thoughts is not just a “sort of” thing. It is a way of life if you want good things to happen. It also appears that the more thoughts you put into something, the more you are likely to fowl it up. Having spent time learning from Joe Dispenza, there really is something to setting an intention in your meditation and then dropping it. Be like the airhead that assumes the Universe is waiting like a lap dog to provide for you and expect it to happen without overthinking it. When we overthink things, it is like the hover-mother critiquing every move of their poor child trying to get something done. Imagine that you’re making the Universe nervous and it can’t do its best with you looking over its shoulder giving instructions on every step. Set it and forget it!

As a side note, have you ever noticed that when you are around some people you are compelled to treat them in a certain way? I have a son that exudes negativity so I am compelled to argue with him and push him regardless of whether he “deserves” it. I have met people that I felt compelled to be unkind to, and even if I didn’t follow my notion I disliked them for no reason. I was amazed by a lady I met recently who just radiated to be ignored. It was so hard to even want to talk to her. We really need to be careful about where our thoughts go because they become the magnet for how we are treated.

It is my intention to continue to emit a positive attitude that I believe the Universe can and will bless me greatly. It isn’t about deserving or achieving, any more than our children have to deserve or achieve for us to give to them. I find ways to bless my children because they exist and I love them. Yes, if they behave badly there are consequences just like if I choose something that isn’t for my highest good I may suffer for it. However, the Universe is ready and waiting to bless us if we open our hearts and minds to be blessed. Regardless of getting a good parking place, we may just find that other people are more apt to like us!

Liar, Liar

2022.11.23

I started a personal growth project in August. It is a book called The Presence Process by Michael Brown. The basic idea is that I meditate twice daily for 15 minutes using breathing exercises and open myself to feeling repressed emotions. Not for the faint of heart, for sure. I have actually had the book for almost two years and avoided actually practicing it. This summer I was compelled to figure out what blocks I may have personally that may be standing in my way of finding a solid, intimate relationship. This book is an excellent way to clear out some emotional baggage, for sure.

Admittedly, I have not been able to slog through the resistance that Mr. Brown warns about. I made it about 5 weeks of being faithful and then got smacked with far too many emotions to carry out the 10-week process. It is my intention this week to begin again this. I have been dealing with a lot of questions internally on whether I really want a new life partner or not. Do I actually like being alone, or am I just so used to it that I feel more comfortable?

I have been doing my best to listen to YouTube videos from Abraham Hicks and get into the Vortex. If you’re not familiar, it’s basically the Law of Attraction and getting to a place where you are in alignment with the Universe to obtain what you desire. The overarching message I’ve had this week is that if you put it out there that you want something you cannot say “but. . .” Going back and forth between “I want it,” “I don’t want it,” “I want it,” “I don’t want it,” is the surest way to either get what you really don’t want or delay any progress whatsoever. I am not of a singular opinion on calling in a new life partner, which explains why they are not currently in my life.

I feel that the reason why I’m of two minds in regard to a life partner is that I still need to work through the blocks that I may have in being the best life partner I can be. The Law of Attraction focuses on the idea that we resonate at a certain frequency and that we call in what is a vibrational match. If I am calling in the wrong kind of people, I must be at the vibrational energy that is matching them. That doesn’t feel good from a conscious level, especially if we are really unhappy with what we have called in, but it is true at a subconscious level.

I realized, as I look through my posts, that I have left out a lot of references to my dating experience this past year. I have been on over 20 first dates through various online dating sites. Only two made it past the 1st date and only one made it past the 3rd date. Without getting into details of our relationship, which was not what I was looking for, I can say that it humbled me on many levels as to what I was vibrationally calling in.

The aspect that is hitting me the hardest is the lack of honesty in the relationship, on both ends. I consider myself a person of high integrity and do my very best in every relationship, romantic or platonic, to reflect courtesy and consideration. As I reflect on the relationship, trying to determine how my energy was thwarting my happiness, I realized that my issues with honesty are not about deceiving, but protecting. When I have something going on with me that I know will hurt someone, I tend to hide it. These are not big things, as I would never cheat on someone or tell them I am going somewhere or doing something that is untrue. I continue to maintain my integrity in being able to live with myself. However, it is more of a sin of omission than commission.

However, it is still lying to let someone believe something that is not true even if you never actually told them something that wasn’t true. As much as I don’t like to admit it I have done this more than I should have. It is showing me that my integrity is not as solid as I thought it was. It also explains why the person I had a relationship with also exhibited this tendency. There were so many things that he would imply and allow me to draw my own conclusions rather than tell the truth. In the end, even when I pressed him for the truth on certain things he would skirt around it. I knew he was hiding something from me but he refused to be open with me. That was a deal breaker.

As I think about my marriage and this previous relationship, I can say that I have always divulged information if it came to light. I would rather eat crow over the truth than an outright lie. I found this was then my breaking point with the person I was dating because it is a line I don’t cross with the people in my life. However, it doesn’t make it okay to hide things from people just to avoid hurting them. As an example, neither my ex-husband nor this guy knew the extent of my beliefs spiritually because neither of them had an interest in spiritual things. With my ex-husband, it was more that I changed my beliefs during the relationship but with the guy I dated it was about him having an aversion to any strong beliefs in anything. I didn’t really discuss that stuff with them and changed the subject if my full interest in “weird” things rolled around. It isn’t that I think either of them would leave me over any of my beliefs, it’s just that I didn’t want to feel so different from them and create division. I realize now that what I believe is part of who I am and should never be hidden without harm to myself.

That becomes an interesting slope to slip on, how much truth is too much truth? It will be interesting to navigate. The reason I say this is because I have a friend who shares every thought and feeling with her mate and it appears to make him neurotic. I can have very different feelings from the a.m. to the p.m. on the same day and just because I’m hormonal I don’t want to tell my mate I hate him and then go back and tell him how much I love him when my mood changes. So, in being authentic I also think one must understand what the truth really is rather than thinking erratic emotions are “true”. If over a period of a couple days I am still struggling with a thought or a feeling, it should be shared with my mate. I know it is my life path to process and honor my emotions more fully, I just want to be considerate of which ones need to be shared. Which ones are something real and present in the now and which ones are past traumas I need to work through without making my mate feel assaulted by my past?

As being authentically me, and fully and completely accepting myself, becomes a dominant theme in my life, it is time to accept the ugly parts too. I do lie, even if it isn’t overtly. I am ashamed of this and want to make full transparency a priority in my life moving forward. I ask the Universe for forgiveness for my desire to hide less the desirable things about myself and vow to consider carefully if something needs to be shared and chose to keep everything in the light. If someone doesn’t allow me to live my truth they do not belong in my life. I can share the truth and protect feelings, they are not mutually exclusive.

Blessings to you all, thank you for being on my journey.

The Wait Is Over

2022.11.21

Over the summer when I was focused on weight loss and looking my best I discovered a gym that was opening in my neighborhood. It seemed right up my alley. However, they were struggling with the city and permits to get the gym opened. They had all kinds of gimmicks to keep people interested in them while they waited. Each month that has gone by they have teased and tempted us with the opening that was “coming soon”. This past Friday they sent an email that indicated they were now open and classes were beginning the next day. Just like that. The prize was just over the ridge for five whole months and then, SLAM…in your face!

I feel so many things in my life have been like that. It is almost like we are in love with the waiting more than the receiving. We love to fantasize and dangle the idea of something in front of us to give us motivation, to tease us into action. However, the receiving is sometimes surprising and sometimes not as welcome as we’d like. For example, I had made it a goal many times over the years to reach a certain weight. It was the weight I was at when I got married when I was 21. It has been my ideal weight for as long as I can remember and I only got below it on one season after I started having kids, and I happened to be very sick when I did. It was a lofty goal for me because I struggle to lose weight when it was really only 25 pounds, I reached that goal in August. I look great. I got into a swimsuit I’ve had since I reached it many years ago when I was sick. Go me!

Another example is wanting to leave my husband. I started making plans to disconnect from him in 2014. Before that, I was resigned to staying married but secretly hoped he would suddenly pass away allowing me to be free. I think divorce is a more healthy thought, don’t you? Over the course of the six years between wanting to leave him and actually leaving him I came close a couple times, but it was freer to think about leaving him. Once the gauntlet was almost down I got scared about what my life would look like on the other side, so I stayed. Until I didn’t. One day (after a lot of circumstances) I woke up and just knew it was time. I told him, and I moved out shortly after. No more doubts, no more fears, the time had just come. The wait was over.

I think the important thing to ponder is what is it that we really want and will the goal we’ve set get us there, or is it just that we think it will? I think losing weight and looking good was about being “enough”. I had it in my mind that I would not be attractive enough until I weighed a certain weight. What I found when I got there was that I didn’t look much different. Sure, my love handles were smaller, but my losing 25 pounds wasn’t all that noticeable until I got into that swimsuit. That meant I didn’t look that bad before, it was all in my head. My issue is that I’m 5’9″ and have big hips and broad shoulders. I’m proportionate, but compared to other women I’m larger (super-sized!). My trainer at that lovely gym I was waiting for said I could lose another 15 pounds to be at the “ideal” weight for my height. However, I now realize that achieving that just means I start to focus on my sagging arms (I am 48) and the loose skin on my belly from having three kids. If that isn’t enough I’d have to lipo this that and the other thing and then I’d start looking like a freak from all the surgery. When does it end? When do I just accept myself as I am?

The goal with my ex-husband was a different goal. It wasn’t about me being enough, it was about being in alignment. I could feel that we did not belong together, but my stubbornness and my commitment to my family were more important to me. That isn’t a bad thing. Most people would commend someone for staying to provide a good environment for their kids. My ex and I didn’t fight, we were kind to each other until the end, so there was nothing really wrong with staying together for the concept of marriage. Except. . . (there is always an exception) I taught my kids that they should give up their happiness for security. As if we can’t actually have both and need to choose. I made that choice. I gave up being my true self to fit the role that I chose. Until I didn’t. Now I have the alignment I desired and the security I need. I can’t say I regret not leaving sooner, but it will be interesting to see how my kids perpetuate that decision in their lives. What will they give up in their lives because they think they can’t have two seemingly opposite desires?

The theme of my life now is authenticity. Not that I have been a glowing example of that. In fact, I could point out several examples in the last month or two where I have fallen flat on my face in manure, but I won’t because that isn’t the lesson. The lesson is that every time I have fallen short I have realized that it doesn’t pay to not be authentic. It hurts myself and others around me to pretend to be someone I’m not, to not tell the complete truth, or not just accept both the good and the seemingly bad together. I feel almost dirty and definitely depressed, and very, very unhappy when I chose not to be authentic and fully present. I read a book a long time ago called The Me I Want To Be (which was inspirational). However, I want to live the title The Me I Accept Myself To Be. I have, time and time again, over the last couple of months been reminded that I have a design. I chose this life. I am stuck in this body, for good or for bad. I have to be me to the fullest and most unapologetic way in order to actually live my purpose and have the people that belong in my life around me. To not be truly authentic is just hurting me and forcing me out of alignment.

So, I am not joining that gym. It is almost poetic that when I came to the conclusion that I am meant to be happy to just be me, wrinkles and love handles and all, the gym opens. The wait is over, but the prize is self-acceptance. I am finally free to be me.

July 20, 2022

I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED

As I have been wrestling over the direction my life should take, I have been juggling the various areas of interest in my mind like flaming bowling ball pins. I have spent my career life in business, helping businesses and counseling people on tracking their finances for their business. However, it is not my passion or my gift. My gift is in merging all that exists up in the world of thought into the reality of what that means on a day to day basis. Whether it be how to track inventory or how to understand the wonders of the Universe, it doesn’t matter if you can’t actually do something with it in the here and now.

I am not an optimist or a pessimist. Both have their innate issues. An optimist tends to ignore the possibility for failure in the effort to make their dreams come true. A pessimist tends to refuse to look for possibilities because of all the reasons things can go wrong. Truth lies in the middle. We must look at all the possibilities and then forecast where things can go wrong so we can actually make things happen working towards our goals. That is the sweet spot of the realist. That is where I want to live and breathe and help others in their journey.

In my meditations I have been asking Spirit to guide me toward something to focus on. After some reflection, it hit me that I have this website and a ton of information that I can post to help people with content they are interested in. Whether it be spiritual reflections, astrology, Human Design, or general mysticism I have a lot of resources that I can provide people. I have everything I need to reach out into the world and help people pull down their lofty general notions and figure out how to make it real in their life. Being that I am who I am, I cannot promise daily content or even consistent areas of focus but I can use this platform to document what I have learned/am learning.

I have spent the last year + learning astrology. I have gone through more than one course to learn how to read charts and have a lot of books to assist me, but I have not wanted to offer myself for readings because I don’t feel I am an expert yet. It occurred to me that only in actually doing readings will I become an expert. I have been on FB in some astrology groups where I have contributed some useful insight into people’s charts to offer my guidance and it has been very encouraging that although I may miss some things I do know enough to be helpful. It is my intention to use my astrology knowledge as a springboard to helping people in their spiritual lives. People come to astrology and other tools to understand themselves and their purpose. It ends up being a very deep and personal journey that is ultimately spiritual in nature. When we learn how to understand ourselves we also learn how to understand others and everyone’s place in the world. When we learn to understand others we see that we are all connected. When we see we are all connected we see that their is something connecting us all – a higher power. Spirit. Once we see that there is a bigger picture it opens so many doors to discovery. I hope to be a guide to opening doors.

I have everything I need. I am everything I need. However, life is about inclusion. I cannot exist on my own and sustain myself. We were created to connect, to nourish others, to live in community. Being part of the whole means getting involved in the whole. I am ready to connect.

April 12, 2020

Happy Easter!

I miss looking at things from a big picture. I majored in Finance rather than Accounting because I love concepts and finding meaning in big things. As it turns out I also am really good with the details and being in the weeds. I find comfort in the nitty-gritty because there are results and it is more apparent when you actually finish something. As it turns out there is so much frustration with the big picture because there are so many ways to look at things. Because our view may be limited to one side, we come to believe our side is the “right” side, the only side, the most important side. We even believe that there are no other sides, because we don’t have access to the big picture. When we realize that there is so much more to see, we can either reject that and keep our old views or we can humble ourselves to start changing the way we are thinking to understand the whole view.

It is like the story of the three blind men that come up to the elephant and are asked to describe what they find. One, who has the elephants trunk, describes it like a snake. Another, who has the elephants leg, describes it like a tree trunk. The last one is at the elephants belly and describes it like a big leathery wall. None of them are wrong, but none of them are right either. They do not understand and, therefore, what they think is right is only partially right.

That, to me, is like our view of God. We all have developed our own view based on what we have had access to through family, church etc. There is so much more. We may have words for it, so when we discover more it gives meaning to those words, but inside our hearts and minds the view has expanded to include more depth and understanding.

As I sit and ponder Easter on my couch at home because stay-at-home orders forbid me to attend services in person, I wonder how much of my view of God is still not open to me. I have gone from having very firm views of the side of God that I held as being the “only truth” to intentionally challenging myself to see God from the other views to understand why people hold them. I have gone from being certain of what I know to being very uncertain that I know anything at all.

I don’t believe that we should all just find our own truth. I do believe that there are things more true than others. Children can believe they can fly, but as parents we don’ t let them jump out their window. There are laws that govern all of life, whether we believe or know about them are not. We should seek to understand those laws about God and the Universe so that we can find firm foundation in our lives; then seek inside and out to formulate our beliefs of however much of the big picture we’ve been given. Finally, we should be open to the idea that there is more yet to be revealed. None of the blind men explored the ears or head of the elephant. What have we yet to even discover about God?