July 3, 2022

Half a year down, and I can’t help but wonder what 2022 will be remembered for. 2020 was the year I left my husband. 2021 was a year of deep contemplation and rest where I started diving into astrology and feeling like I am in a cocoon. I recently discovered Human Design which I posted about. I relayed that I discovered I was a Manifestor, which is fairly rare. It is really rocking my world and I want to dedicate posts this year to what that actually means to me and how to live authentically.

Another aspect of Human Design is the “Profile”. Each person has marked profiles associated with their body graph based on their birth chart which is regarded as a basic character pattern that frames a person’s life. It indicates their purpose in life. On an HD chart, there is the personality side (the side you are aware of) and the design side (the side you are typically unaware of but should integrate as you mature). The numbers of the profile are Personality/Design based on the I-Ching of your Sun. There is a lot to it. I only mention it now because of what it means to me as a Manifestor.

I am a 4/6. The 6 in Human Design profiles means that their life is split into 3 categories. The first 28 years (prior to the Saturn Return) are dedicated to exploration. This is basically acquiring all the experiences possible and is directed to do in order to build knowledge of the world. From 28-50 years of age (or the Chiron return), the person will be what is called “on the roof”. This is a period of time where it is less about acquiring and more about observing the experiences of others. They learn to see things as they really are, rather than the idealism of the first stage. That isn’t to say they aren’t acquiring experiences, but the overall knowledge is less personal and more universal. I recently learned that there are stages within this period as well where one is slowly removed from feeling a part of things and moves toward a cocooning phase at the end of the stage. This is where I feel I am now. Once the Chiron return hits, the person is moved off the roof and becomes a role model. The keywords here are “moved off” as in “not by choice”. The person is no longer allowed to remain aloof but gets in the trenches and is involved in other people’s lives again.

My Saturn return occurred at age 29, ending Stage 1. Prior to that time, I felt propelled internally by everything and didn’t really think twice about it. I did what I wanted to do and the people in my life may have put up a fuss, but typically got out of my way. I can say a lot of things about my ex-husband now, but during that stage of my life, he was perfect for me. He went along and supported me to be in charge and do what I wanted. I, of course, did things that he was on board with and we felt like a team because he let me lead and I considered his feelings on what we were doing. However, my 2nd son was born just prior to that and I can pinpoint the downfall of our marriage to starting at that time. I now see I changed at that time, which opened the door to my dissatisfaction with myself, life, and my marriage.

Stage 2, I can see now, began the journey of me questioning myself and who I was and how I “should” show up in the world. I was never much of a joiner prior to this stage. I felt on the outside of most groups except for in college. I didn’t conform to others’ expectations or try to fit in (although I felt bad about not fitting in). It wasn’t because of confidence, I just simply didn’t know how to fit in. Stage 2 is when I got involved at church, women’s ministry, and eventually homeschooling where I ignored my Manifestor qualities and started doing everything in my power to adopt Generator qualities so people would like me. I discovered the 4-quadrant personality typing and started really researching what it was about me that people just didn’t like. I knew it was something, but I really didn’t understand it. Over time, I realized I was blunt and bold and people took that to mean bossy and controlling even though I wasn’t desiring to control them. Generators like conformity. They don’t mind leadership but something about Generators really feel ruffled by Manifestors. I spent several years experiencing what it meant to be included and live like a Generator and it was fulfilling for a while to fit in and feel respected by my peers. However, it completely messed me up on being authentic and I felt it.

Some of the ways trying to be a Generator messed me up was in my marriage. Well-meaning friends in the Christian community saw that I was the “leader” in my marriage and shamed me. They made me feel like I was not obeying God’s commands by taking charge. I spent a lot of years trying to get my husband to step up and lead, which is a role he didn’t sign up for and didn’t want. It wasn’t all in Christian communities either. After I left the church and started my journey into different religions I was a part of an amazing community that introduced me to Pat Allen’s “Getting To I Do” book about feminine and masculine dynamics. I highly recommend the book, but as I was reading it I saw that all the character qualities of a feminine man were not what I wanted (which my ex-husband embodies beautifully!) That meant that in order to be with a masculine man, I would have to be more feminine. I have spent the last 5 years of my life trying to adopt a more feminine, receptive lifestyle. That definitely ended my marriage, not that I regret that. He has no interest in anything spiritual or personal growth, along with some other character qualities I can no longer align myself with so it was part of my journey to disconnect from him. However, as I am in the process of dating and understanding how I need to show up in relationships I realize that although my having softer, more feminine qualities are beneficial it may conflict with being a Manifestor. I need to find the balance between what I want and who I am.

So, starting today I intend to reprogram my expectations of myself and how I am to show up in the world so that I can be authentic to my design. My inner authority is my emotions. Not that I need to make emotional decisions, but that it is better for me to wait until my emotional wave goes through its cycle before I make a decision. I need to feel it is right in my core, not because I am heightened by an emotional response. The first rule here is always to sleep on it if I am in any way uncertain or it doesn’t feel right. Another way is allowing myself to not be accepted or part of the group. It’s okay to be on the outside. I have acquired a friendliness and a warmth I didn’t have in Stage 1 but will assist me a great deal in Stage 3. However, I don’t want to be a joiner, and that is okay. As a role model, I will be a part of a community but it will be as the wise sage not as the ring-leader or community organizer and that is a role I really look forward to and feels right to me.

The reprogramming I am struggling with is in relationships. I dated someone for a few months earlier this year that I really enjoyed. However, I did not show up as a Manifestor. He, however, was not a leader (although he tried for me). Everything about the relationship dynamics felt wrong even though I was really attracted to him and enjoyed his company. We were both unsure of what role we needed to play and never found a rhythm. As a side, we stayed friends, and again, I don’t regret leaving the relationship because it would not be good for me long-term regardless of how I show up. However, after all I have learned and all the ways I have evolved I don’t know how to be a Manifestor in a romantic relationship. I can do it in every other relationship I have, like friendships and my children, etc., but I feel really uncomfortable initiating with men now. I also do not want a weak man who wants to be taken care of by me. I want an equal partner that is not afraid of the times my urge to move forward with something causes me to take charge. I need him to either support me or step out of my way. When I am not propelled by something and in my resting phase, I need someone who is willing to step up and lead so I can rest and not feel like I am carrying the burden of the relationship all the time. I have faith that there is someone out there that can feel like a partner in a dance, rather than a parent/child — like my marriage.

The journey will be difficult and there will be twists and turns. Since my Chiron return is coming up in 2 years, and I will be forced to deal with anything that hasn’t been dealt with before I can come off the roof, taking the time now seems like a worthwhile endeavor. For those who are familiar with astrology, I am a Sagittarius Sun and my progressed Moon has been in Scorpio since December 2020, to move out in March 2023. I need to take the next 10 months to reflect and determine my plan of action in being a Manifestor so that when my Moon leaves Scorpio and moves into Sagittarius and I have the energy and drive I need again I can be authentic and hit the ground running without messing everyone around me up!

Undefined Sacral

Human Design 101

I love seeing the way patterns emerge over time. When you look back over 10, 15, or even 30 years and take a big picture analysis of things you can see how not only you showed up in the world but all the events that directed you along various paths. We may not like what we see, since we tend to want to be something we are not, but if we assess things with a non-judgemental eye we can find out who we are by who we have been. With any luck, we’ve seen personal growth, something like shaving the edges a rock to polish it, but we are still made up of the materials we started with.

I had heard of Human Design through various YouTubers that were into astrology, but because of the depth of it and my being new to astrology, I decided to not pursue learning about it. I belong to a terrific group I found on Meetup called Awkwardly Zen and one of the members does Human Design readings. One might think it was an accident, but in my meditations and due to spending a weekend at a Joe Dispenza conference, I have been focused on what direction my life should take moving forward. In pops Human Design as an answer to that direction I’ve been seeking.

There are 4 main types of people in Human Design. Most people are Generators, estimated at around 70% of the population. They are the types that are like builders with creative energy to get things done and assist others in their goals. Projectors are the administrators of the world, they excel at bringing people together and how to maximize the potential of others. They make up about 20% of the population. The smallest group is the Reflectors, at 1% of the population, they live up to their name by mirroring the energy of the environment they are in. They are like the cheerleaders helping others to be aware of what needs to be worked on and guiding them to become their best selves.

I have left the remaining 9% for last because I discovered it is what I am. I am a Manifestor. In the times before the discovery of Uranus in 1781, Manifestors were the ones in charge. They are natural leaders in that, unlike the other 3 types, they don’t have to wait for the Universe to give them permission, they can take charge and “manifest” the change they want to see. They initiate where they see fit. After the Uranus discovery, lots of things changed I don’t have a grasp on yet, but Manifestors were removed as the ones in charge as a society didn’t want dictators anymore, but rather more of a democracy of people shaping their lives on a collective level. For those of us that are born Manifestors now, we live on the outskirts of the community and produce the ideas and initiate change still, but leave it to the others to put it into motion and complete it. The problem with Manifestors is that their energy is closed and repelling, meaning that others sense that they are not open to the energies of others so people tend to distrust Manifestors until they get to know them. Historically Manifestors were tyrants, enslaving others to do their bidding. Although that is no longer necessarily true, there is a fear of the strength the energy Manifestors put off.

What this means for me is that as I look back on my life, I can see the big picture of how I showed up as a Manifestor. I go along and learn and gather information until something strikes a chord in me to take action. Then, with the goal in place, I go gang-busters toward it steam-rolling everything to make that goal happen. I am unassuming, compassionate, and friendly but when I want something nothing can stop me from getting it. Once I have obtained my goal, I sit back and go inward again for some time. I can be closed off and a classic introvert when I need to recharge from using my energy so forcefully. Those times can be months or years depending on how much energy I need for the next adventure. During my down times, I am not interested in taking charge, can focus on the mundane aspects of life, and can be somewhat boring just taking in knowledge and not getting excited about anything. Then, all of a sudden, BOOM! I have a goal to accomplish and all of life changes and everything in me explodes in the direction of my goal and I become an extrovert pushing toward my goal with the ferocity of a volcano.

One of the problems with the world not understanding the different types is that everyone wants others to be like them. So growing up with nothing but Generators around me (literally every family member I have) they didn’t understand me. My ferocity when I dug in, my general energy of independence, and my lack of needing others in any tangible way once I was old enough to dress myself, confused and frustrated those around me. It is very normal for Generator parents to try to break the spirit of Manifestor children, and mine did their very best. What that ended up looking like was my being passive and shutting off my thoughts and feelings to people so they weren’t intimidated by my strength. It worked out for me to be able to live in a world of mostly Generators. As a child, most other children didn’t resonate with me and I had a lot of trouble making friends. Learning to hide my strength and show a more adaptable side to people allowed me to have good relationships in the world, which I do not regret in the least.

The only issue I see is in my intimate relationships. Because I am not consistent in my nature, I can rest for quite some time in a more Yin role of compliance where I don’t need to control things. However, once there is something that I do want to focus on and initiate change I am quite dominating and will get downright scary when people stand in my way. Because my very aura is one of strength, I draw men who are more compliant types. However, I have difficulty respecting men who are not able to be strong during the times that I am needing to rest and recover my energy. I am not wanting to lead overall, I just need to be given leeway when I have a goal. I don’t know how to reconcile that and that will remain a focus of my meditations going forward. A true Yang energy man is going to be very unhappy with my closed, repelling aura because a Yang energy man needs a receptive and open Yin woman. Perhaps I need another Manifestor. When we are in our downtime we can read and travel together just enjoying life, but hopefully, we can find goals we both want to accomplish together that will allow us to become an unstoppable force for change and growth in the world. It would be tremendous to have a fellow Manifestor to accomplish goals with because the amount of energy needed would be divided and allow for less burn-out and possibly less down-time in between spurts. That, however, is just a theory. It may very well blow up in my face to be with another person who cannot be stopped if I am not in alignment with their goals.

More to come on Human Design. I cannot recommend enough learning as much as possible about how you operate and show up in the world. It is so freeing to be able to have permission to be me and know how I am seen and understood by others. Because we are conditioned by others who want us to be like them, it is so easy for us not to show up authentically even if we think we are. I have spent the last 5 years trying to become more Yin so that I could find a strong man, however, I don’t have trouble being Yin, I have trouble coming to terms with my inner strength and not apologizing for it when I do want something. It is completely redirecting how I approach life moving forward now that I have this information.

It is a beautiful thing to give yourself permission to show up how you were designed to show up in the world. There is always room for improvement, so learning to love others and show up in a kind and honoring way is essential. But, not apologizing to anyone about being authentically you is truly a gift to yourself.